What Excites Us!

Episode 6 - Sex Coach Lex

Transcript

Gwyn  0:22 
Hi there, I'm Gwyn Isaacs, and this is What Excites Us, the show that discusses sex and sexuality through time and place. Today I'm talking with my colleague and friend, sex coach Lex about his work as a coach, how he helps people get where they want to be, and the foundations needed to get there. Coach Lex is a WASC certified sex coach. He's specializes in sexual communication in order to create a world where people can speak about sex as comfortably as they speak about breakfast. His work includes individuals, couples, the polyamorous community, as well as the LGBT and kink communities. Lex facilitates groups workshops and works with clients one on one worldwide. Coach Lex also publishes a blog on his website, sexcoachlex.com known as Bad Sex Advice, where he takes user submitted bad sex advice, explains what makes it bad, and what you can do instead. Stay tuned for this great conversation. Now is the part where we would normally go into the Word on the Street segment, but I gotta be honest with you, I didn't do it. I even have a great question everything. I didn't do it. I love the segment. I think it's compelling audio. And I really love putting it together. But as a person with social anxiety, approaching strangers and asking them to tell me intimate things is pretty scary. For some reason, I thought I would be able to get over this. Or maybe I was hoping a magic elf would want to collect the answers for me. Perhaps I was just really hopeful, because I decided to do it when it was sunny and warm. And I was full of go getter energy. However, here we are. And I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to keep it up without more people anonymously recording themselves on the website. The reason I'm telling you all of this and not just letting it fade away into audio history is because I genuinely want your opinion. So please tell me what you think. Is it an interesting segment to you? Do you enjoy hearing a montage of voices telling you what they think? Or could you take it or leave it? Or would you rather I just left it out? Let me know can send me an email. Or you can record your answer anonymously on my website, which is whatexcitesus.com All right. Now with that off my chest, on with the show.

Leah Carey  3:04  
Hey, friends, I'm Leah Carey inviting you to listen to good girls talk about sex, where I interview everyday women about their sex lives. 

Speaker 1  3:14  
You know, I want to be like pushed against the law. Like in the movies. 

Speaker 2  3:17  
This feels good, but do I look fat?

Speaker 3  3:19 
That always turned me on but I don't think I've admitted that to my husband.

Speaker 4  3:23  
Have sex with women highly recommend.

Leah Carey  3:25  
Good girls talk about sex is here to remind you, you're not alone. And your desires are completely normal. Listen in your favorite podcast app today.

Gwyn Isaacs  3:38  
Okay, I want to officially start so that we have an official sounding Hi, let's welcome to the program. Thanks for being here.

Lex  3:47  
Thank you, Gwyn I'm happy to be here.

Gwyn  3:49 
Yay. Okay, so, Sex Coach Lex, you are a sex coach. How exciting is that? That's really cool. What led you to do that?

Lex  3:59
Well, that's a really interesting story. And the question is where to start? 

Gwyn  4:05
Right?

Lex  4:06
I'll start at the realization and then work backwards, which was around 2017. I was working this job, and I got a big promotion. And I wasn't entirely like feeling satisfied with myself in that place. And I couldn't tell exactly what it was. And I know this is stereotypical, but like, I ended up negotiating this really big salary increase. I thought that would like maybe mitigate what I was feeling? And it did for about like two weeks. But then the feeling started coming back like I'm not in the right place. And I found this free resources. I can't remember. I got so I used to follow Tim Ferriss who's also recommended another, there's this entrepreneur named Ramit Sethi, whose first book was called I will make you, I Will Teach You To Be Rich or something like that, or I'll make you rich. And although the unfortunately like, that's his website URL, and it's really cheesy, but his material is really good. And he's had a number of big courses since then. And at the time, he had a course on, like creating your own consulting business. And I signed up for his free email. And he gave the whole first lesson from that $2,000 course for free. And it was figure out what you want to do, which is what I couldn't figure out because I took business classes. I knew how business was supposed to work, but I didn't know what my business was supposed to be. Like, I tried helping other people start their businesses, but I couldn't do it for myself. And after going through the whole course, I ended up learning that all my close friends and family thought that I was a really good communicator. Like, I asked everyone like, what were the top qualities? Universally, all of them said in first place communication, which was weird, I got 25 different responses with the same answer. And then there was another set of questions, which was like, what could you talk about for three hours without getting tired? And like it was either sex or like comic books. And I was like, I don't see myself working in comic books. So I was like, well, let's check out human sexuality. Ironically, like I basically Googled working jobs and human sexuality. And of all places, an article on LinkedIn came up. You know, it said, like, the first thing was like working in the adult entertainment industry, there was something about sex therapy, but I had just been in college for eight years, just graduated, did not want to go back. And then there was sex coaching, which I had never heard of. And I realized immediately that this was basically what I always wanted to do since I was about 17 years old, but didn't know as an option. Because ever since I was a young man, I approached sex differently. When I thought I was going to be ready for it, I basically approached it like any other subject that I wanted to learn, I would study it, I found resources online, there were bad resources, there were good resources. Somehow, I was able to figure out which one was which for the most part, and I love talking about it. I love helping friends with it. I wanted to become like a relationship therapist when I was in high school, but that my whole life got derailed at 17, which is another conversation, but I didn't actually want to do therapy for people. And coaching is not therapy, it is a much more... Here you are as a person, we're gonna work together to either solve a particular problem or reach a particular goal with whatever tools you have at hand. And that's exactly the kind of approach that I wanted to do. I just didn't have a name for it. And yeah, that's how I discovered sex coaching. I think it was written by one of the faculty of sex Coach Hugh, which is a school I ended up going to I researched a few different options before settling on that one. And that's how I got there. And I'm really happy I made that session. And that school in particular.

Gwyn  8:37  
Little shout out to SCU, I also went there. And my my story is, is sort of similar in that I knew that I wasn't happy doing what I wanted, or doing what I was doing. I mean, I wasn't unhappy, but it wasn't fulfilling. And I was like, Well, what would be and I again, I didn't know that coaching was even an option. It just never even crossed my mind that that is something that you could do. And I also I was the person who all the people went to when they were having sex issues or relationship issues that was just natural. I wonder how many of us have that same story?

Lex  9:15  
I've heard it a lot.

Gwyn  9:16  
Yeah. Yeah, that's really, really neat. And not surprising at all. So okay, so you do coaching? Do you have a niche that you'd like to focus on? Or is there a certain client that you're more interested in helping than others? Or who is drawn to you?

Lex  9:34  
Yeah, I have a hard time trying to figure out exactly what my, my ideal client is, or whatever. What I find is that I'm working a lot with people that are at some kind of change or crossroad period in their life. Whether it is that they finally want to try to do the things sexually or romantically that they always denied themselves, or they recently became single again, and realize that, you know, they want to expand their knowledge, their knowledge of human sexuality and what can be done, or some other kind of like, big life decision thing. I don't know how to name that category of people. 

Gwyn  10:20  
Right. 

Lex  10:22  
But that tends to be the kind of people I ended up working with

Gwyn 10:25  
Folks at a crossroads, I think I would call that.

Lex  10:28  
Yes, that's the word I was looking for, thank you. 

Gwyn  10:30  
Sure.

Lex  10:33  
I'm the devil at the crossroads.

Gwyn  10:37  
You should get a fancy pen.

Lex  10:43  
That's great.

Gwyn 10:52  
So you help people. I imagine that some people you help even figure out what it is that they're trying to figure out. Is that true?

Lex  11:01  
Yeah, yeah. So a lot of that comes down to in many ways, I'm working with a lot of people on the basics, which I think are very important. I know, I saw recently, someone within the sex ed sphere, tried to make a point about how sex educators are always teaching the basic sentence, some kind of function of capitalism, maybe, maybe that person and I have a different understanding of the basics. But I think that it's extremely important to learn the basics and review the basics often. But, you know, the basics for me are things that apply in every single situation, across the board, like for the rest of your sexual life. And my specialty, if I have one is communication, I learned the skills for sexual communication, mostly through what I call "intentional masturbation". Where you're using the medium of masturbation to learn something.

Gwyn  12:11  
That's really neat. I want to come back to that. But I want to ask you what what you consider the basics.

Lex  12:18  
Okay, so I have these, I call them the pre three prerequisites to having the sex life that you want. When I say them, you might think, yeah, you know, you might think in hindsight, that that's really obvious, but for some reason, it's not. And the first thing is, in order to get what you want, you need to know what you want.

Gwyn 12:44  
That's so hard for so many people. Yeah. Yeah, no, we're not taught to tune into who we are and what we want. So I totally get that.

Lex  12:54  
What other people think we're supposed to want,

Gwyn  12:57  
Right? Okay, so the first basic is knowing what you want.

Lex  13:02  
The second one is, knowing how to communicate that knowing how to describe what it is that you like. And the third thing is then knowing how to listen to your partner, when they're describing what they like. Yeah, and those three are like what you need over and over. Because what I love about human sexuality is that on a personal level, it can be continuously a learning experience, because not only are there is there a plethora of things to try, but what you like may and most likely will actually change throughout your lifetime. And some people hate that it feels like going through puberty all over again. But I like to think of it as an opportunity to learn yourself as a new person.

Gwyn  13:53  
I love that. I think that's really brilliant. So do you find yourself teaching communication skills in specific to people or just all three together? Yeah, that's really neat.

Lex  14:08 
Yeah, I have sort of a progression that I take people through, but it is very much communication that I'm focusing on figuring out what people want, figuring out how to help them describe it, giving them frameworks for talking about it. So it's like, fill in the blanks when you're with your partner with what you learned from step one. What I find most interesting is depending how much people learned in the first step about themselves, they're more likely to be to have less trouble with learning the listening skills, because they've been exposed to how much difference and nuance there can be because the big stumbling block with listening is you think you know what the person is saying. And so you overlay that meaning to what are actually saying,

Gwyn  15:01 
I think that's endemic in, in our culture, certainly, maybe in the world. I mean, I really don't have a whole lot of experience outside of the states. So, yeah, that's a, I mean, that's a constant battle, even for those of us who know, it's a constant battle.

Lex  15:20  
Absolutely.

Gwyn 15:21
I mean, you know, I find myself projecting, and I'm like, Hey, knock that off, quit it. That's not he is not me. I am different. We have different things. And yeah.

Lex  15:33 
The more emotional you get, the more likely you are to protect.

Gwyn 15:36  
Exactly. Yeah. And I think that, first of all, I think it's brilliant. And what a wonderful way that you have of describing the process, because I don't think I could have taken it to that type of basic communication in the, in the... So I really love that. So thank you. But also, yeah. I love how, I mean, you really are meeting people where they are. And, and that's key to being able to help anybody is to be able to, you know, be like, Okay, well, let's start at the beginning. And this is and and, what do you want? Oh, you don't know what you want. Let's talk about how to figure out what you want. And so you're sort of meta teaching all the way from the beginning about how to listen and communicate. Yay, you. Alright, let me intentional masturbation. This is this is entirely new to me. I've never heard this.

Lex 16:48
This is it's my own invention, which is why you haven't heard of it. 

Gwyn Isaacs  16:52  
Excellent, let's make it go viral. It's brilliant. Okay,

Lex 16:55  
it is my take on sensate therapy, if we're going to look at the root of it.

Gwyn Isaacs  17:03  
As I was editing this, it occurred to me that you may not know what sensate focus is. So this is from the Sexual Medicine Society of North America. Sensate focus is a technique used to improve intimacy and communication between partners around sex, reduce sexual performance anxiety, and shift away from ingrained goal oriented sexual patterns that may not be serving the couple. The technique developed by Dr. William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson in The 1960s consists of a series of touching exercises that a couple completes in a sequence. The major aim of the exercise is for the partners to let go of their expectations and judgments around mutual touching, and instead focus solely on the sensory aspects of touch, like temperature, texture, and pressure. The idea behind sensate focus is that it allows a couple to relax and be mindful of the central touching experience without being weighed down by preconceived ideas of what should happen.

Lex  18:16  
It requires an expanded understanding of sex and therefore masturbation. It requires breaking down the idea that masturbation is about getting to an orgasm. And when I instruct people how to do it, I give them instructions that end up doing that for them. It's about learning your entire body as a sexual instrument. And so once you learn this technique, well, I kind of combine what some other people might call mindful masturbation, and then I add the intentional level onto it. Because with mindful masturbation, it's all about enjoying the present moment, which is amazing. But what I'm adding to it is, well, like for this learning thing, that is the most common thing that I do is I'm giving you instructions on what to try and what to pay attention to. And I'm basically telling you to record it. And so you're using this masturbation, to learn something about yourself. And then that can be applied again, whenever you want to learn something new sexually. There is some limitation there are certain things you cannot do on your own. You can't figure out if being in a full body harness is something that you're into on your own. And sadly, you can't figure out if tickling is your kink on your own because you cannot tickle yourself and there's probably more examples, but there is a lot you can do.

Gwyn Isaacs  20:02  
So are you asking people to fantasize or to do something physically or all of the above?

Lex  20:10  
All of the above? 

Gwyn Isaacs  20:11 
Okay. 

Lex  20:12  
Yeah.

Gwyn  20:13
I love that. I think that's really, that's really good. Would you say that you have most of your clients engage in that, or is that something that's...

Lex  20:24  
At least half. I'm trying to build it out into a whole program.

Gwyn 20:33  
I could totally see that 100%  and see it as an evergreen, where you only have to teach it a couple times and then...

Lex  20:43  
Eventually, eventually, it could become like an ecourse. But the program would originally be live, it would have elements of like, group coaching, as well as individual coaching, still figuring out the balance. I, again, love doing one on one work. When I spoke to another sex educator about my original lay out for this program, they were like, you don't have that much time. You either need less people, or less time with them. So which is where group coaching can work really well. So I'm still figuring that out. Through no intention of my own, I've become a very fancy person. I was, I was all I was already fancy, but I didn't actually know how to do fancy. But like I dated a lot of foodies, and then like someone in hospitality. So like I learned about all these different things. And so I like to think of my training as a way to teach people how to curate an experience. 

Gwyn  21:56  
I love that. 

Lex  21:59  
And if we're, again, like, I want to give credit where credit's due, essentially, what I'm teaching people to do is the same exact skills as setting a scene from kink. But in a vanilla sphere.

Gwyn 22:12  
Sure, that makes sense. Yeah, I can totally see that. So if somebody came to you for coaching, and you had your discovery call, or whatever it is that you do to decide that you're both happy going to be working together. Both going to be happy working together. Sorry, I've had a little extra caffeine today. So so you've met the person or however it is that you begin your communication, and then you dive in working. What does that look like? Is it a lot of talking? Do you do one on one over zoom? Or do you meet in person? Of course, that's challenging now. Or, or what? How do you work with people?

Lex  22:53  
I right now, it's exclusively over zoom. I've done a couple of in person things, especially during my time training. But yeah, it's all talk coaching. At least right now. Basically, after what I call the curiosity call, some people call it discovery call. I show the person my intake form before we get started because it can get pretty involved. But it's my preference to do the entire intake form together. Especially because  most of it is the sexual history. And I can gain a lot of information from the way people tell me what happened that is lost when it's in written form.

Gwyn  23:46  
I like that and you're also holding their hand through something that's unpleasant sometimes. And sticky at the very least. I did not mean that to be punny. Oh my god.

Lex  24:04  
Oh, God.

Gwyn  24:05 
Oh, I heard it as it came out. Oh. All right. Last time, I heard that one too. But I wanted to just move along
Oh my goodness, cuz I've actually given up completely on intake forms. And I just elicit the information as we're going because I found that people were just glossing over them or you know, just giving the minimal amount and I wouldn't understand the emotion behind it. You know, some and it can range completely. Language is so subjective, right? We have different we have the same word and we think we mean the same thing, but a lot of times we really don't. So I love that you are starting the process. Yeah, from the very beginning. You're right there with them. That's where really lovely.

Lex  25:02  
And your approach is totally valid as well, like I, at first, I was so critical seeing people who did it that way. But seeing people actually do it that way, and seeing that they're actually able to help people, I realized their approach is their approach, my approach is my approach and work, you know, in the end, we're just trying to empower our clients, the best way we know how,

Gwyn  25:29  
exactly and everybody's different. And that is one of the reasons I'm so grateful that there's more and more sex coaches coming online. Because not everybody's gonna relate to me, and everybody who needs help, which is like, Oh, I don't know, at least 75% of the population needs help at one point or another  figuring out some stuff, they should be able to find the person that works with them the best that they can relate to, that they can get their work done. So yeah, I agree that everybody's just different. And that's good. Thank God, that we're all different. So you do another thing that I was interested in on your website was the Bad Sex Advice. Tell me about Bad Sex Advice, that is brilliant. Brilliant.

Lex  26:18  
Bad Sex Advice blog. So you and I met at Sex Geek Summer Camp, and that idea was born there. And essentially, it is, it's very straightforward. I take submissions of real bad sex advice heard in real life. Explain why it's bad. And then explain what you can do instead.

Gwyn  26:48  
So that's brilliant. I mean, because who hasn't heard something stupid? Yeah, frankly from somebody out in the world. 

Lex  26:59  
If anyone listening here has any submissions for more, feel free, just come to my website, you can go to the contact page, or it should also be at the top of the blog, where you can submit stuff. I'm always looking for more submissions for that.

Gwyn  27:15  
Excellent. That's I was just gonna ask that. How do how do you get that information? And you just people just submit stuff to you? Imagine you've probably heard some of your own.

Lex  27:26  
Have I heard some of my own things that I've heard growing up? Yes. Yes. I have. Had to like go through my mental codecs. And be like, yes.

Gwyn Isaacs  27:41
Like you would be very rare if you had. But then again, you could be very rare. I mean, certainly are very...

Lex  27:49  
I am exceptional in almost every way. That's right. I think. And I'm not saying that in, like a complimentary way. I'm saying that, like, if there's an exception to the rule very often, it applies to me.

Gwyn  28:01 
it's you.

Lex  28:05  
Well, the reason I took so long is because like I said, I started early with the stuff that I did learn. So a lot of it was, I was sourcing from good places in the beginning. And I kinda like filter out this bad stuff. So I don't remember it as well, very often. It's kind of like Sherlock Holmes. If you've read that, or seen the show with Benedict Cumberbatch.  Where he can literally pick and choose which information stays in his head.

Gwyn Isaacs  28:35  
Yeah. Do you build mind palaces as well?

Lex  28:40  
I don't think so. 

Gwyn Isaacs  28:42  
People do. That's that's the thing. People People do that I don't remember where I learned that from somebody like Ramit Sethi or something like that Tim Ferriss. What some some, you know, learn how to be better guru talked about how to specifically build I don't know if they call it a Mind Palace, but that's what I immediately went to because yeah, Sherlock Holmes fan. And I was like, God, I wish I could do that. Put the little chambers, but my brain just doesn't work that it's all a big jumbled mess in there. I can't, haven't yet. Let me rephrase that. I haven't yet figured out how to organize my brain. Yay, ADD!

Lex  29:23  
It's a skill skill. 

Gwyn  29:24  
It is. 

Lex  29:26  
That definitely makes it harder.

Gwyn  29:27  
It does. And it's not one that I've spent a whole lot of time worrying about. So yeah, it's it's fine. It's all good. So you are accepting new clients? Yeah. That was a question. Are you accepting new clients? 

Lex  29:43  
Yes, I am accepting new clients. So if you want to learn about coaching, go to sexcoachlex.com/learn and if you are ready to schedule your curiosity call same URL sexcoachlex.com/curiosity will take you straight to the calendar, the calendar page.

Gwyn  30:08  
And what does that call? What does that like 15? Half an hour? What do you do?

Lex 30:13  
So officially, I set aside 40 minutes for it a time most people come to me It rarely takes more than 10 or 15 minutes. But I want to have the time there for them if they need more if they have a lot of questions. And then I could just like be there with them when they schedule their first thing, because sometimes people appreciate that support.

Gwyn  30:38  
Yeah, it can be really scary delving into this stuff. I mean, it's intimate by nature. And generally not stuff that we've been allowed to share. We all think we're all messed up in our own heads. And don't think that anybody is really available for that. So I appreciate that you that you set aside the time for them. That's really nice. And so a curiosity call with you is generally a quick sort of get to know you. And you asking them a few questions, they ask you questions.

Lex  31:16  
Yeah, I asked them two questions about what it is they're trying to do. And then I explained to them my technique, my approach to coaching, try to feel out whether or not there will be any problems with me coaching this particular person, and whether or not somebody else would be a better fit. In which case, I usually try to connect that person with somebody if I know somebody that would be better. Yeah, it's just to feel out if we can work together. 

Gwyn Isaacs  31:47
Yeah, that's great.

Lex  31:49  
If I can actually help this person.

Gwyn Isaacs  31:51  
Also key.

Lex 31:54  
It's happened, I remember one particular case, because this was my early days. So this was like a friend of a friend who contacted me. And I was like, you know, what, if you want to go into about this topic, and I'm not really the one you should be speaking with. And I connected them with another coach friend of mine. And it worked out really great for that person. I'm not going to go into any further details for privacy concern reasons, but like, we ended up becoming friends in real life. Because, you know, we were just only one person apart. But it was really great. Seeing the influence that working with this other coach had on this person and their life

Gwyn Isaacs  32:46  
Oh, that's really that's great. Yeah, being comfortable referring out I think is really important in this field because there's so much there's so many topics and and no one person can have expertise and everything and personalities also can clash or not not be good you might want to know somebody but not necessarily want to work with them or or they might not they might find you abrasive, not you nobody would find you abrasive. They might find me abrasive. Or whatever it is so

Lex  33:22  
Well some people prefer more aggressive people I'm sure. There's got to be somebody.

Gwyn  33:28  
Oh yeah, absolutely. There are definitely there's somebody for everybody in every sense of the word. My the last question that I asked people is what excites you?

Lex  33:40  
What excites me? Wow. It's such a hard question. It's often the little things like I have my little Nutella toast at night. I love that I you know, just seeing my partner's walking around the apartment casually just being able to sit outside sometimes on a nice day or even a not nice day but like under shelter canopy and like, I know that's technically not exciting, it's like calming, but it just feels like a happy space.

Gwyn  34:31
Yeah, I like that. Yeah, that makes sense to me. It's what excites you is is being involved in life. Yeah. And and finding the pleasure and joy in the in the little things. I think that's delightful. Thank you, Lex.

Lex  34:51  
Was a pleasure to be here.

Gwyn Isaacs  34:53  
So just to recap, people can find you where

Lex  34:57  
So my website is sexcoachlex.com , and I am on @SexCoachLex on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, though I almost never check Twitter. But if you contact me I should get it.

Gwyn Isaacs  35:14  
Excellent. Well, thank you so much. I super appreciate you helping me get this podcast rolling being one of my first guests and maintaining the connection. I think that's delightful. So yay.

Lex  35:30  
Glad to be here

Gwyn Isaacs  35:31
This episode of What Excites Us is brought to you by me. I'm Gwyn Isaacs. And besides being your podcast host, I'm a certified sex coach and educator. And right now I have some openings for text based clients. I love coaching over email and text. It allows you to be open and vulnerable in ways that may feel too difficult in person, which lets us tackle the concerns you have at your own pace. Very few of us were taught how to have sex, most of us are feeling our way through the dark. hoping we get it right. I can help you build skills in the bedroom and navigate your intimate relationships. I have two ways you can sign up to start texting with me right away. When you go to earthlydesire.com/coaching you will find a weekly subscription for daily correspondence, and the way to schedule a live one hour text chat. Visit earthlydesire.com to start on your path have more pleasure today, you deserve it

Well, that wraps up my conversation with Lex. And I have something very exciting to announce this episode. my Patreon page is now. That means that it will be even easier to make this an actual conversation, because if you subscribe to my Patreon at any level, you can send me messages that I can answer directly. And then when there are enough of us, I will open a private Facebook group and we can really get this party started. The tiers start at $3 and go all the way up to $99 and have a variety of prices and perks in between. However, if you find that that $3 is a financial hardship, please let me know and I can probably get you those digital perks anyway. So this will allow us to get to know each other better. And also, if you like my work, it's an easy way to support me with very little commitment. I look forward to seeing you on Patreon. What Excites Us is produced, edited and hosted by me Gwyn Isaacs, all the music is used under the Creative Commons Attribution license. This week it includes The Vendetta by Steven Kartenburg Harmony by Polyplus. And This is Quando by Julius H. If you have music you'd like to hear on the show, let me know I'd love to play it. Tickled.life hosts this and many other podcasts about sex and sexuality. And they have a whole bunch of great other content. Check them out, tickle.life, and thanks for listening. I really superduper appreciate you