What Excites Us!

Episode 10 - Intersectional Coaching with Angela Locashio

Transcript:

Angela  0:00  
My goodness, okay. Sometimes you just have to turn things off and on

Gwyn  0:05  
Often. Often. That is that is always always. And then and then we forget that. And so while it should always be the first thing, it often isn't the first thing and we go through all these things and then, damn, it should just turn it off and back on again.

Angela  0:20  
Right. Exactly. This is so true. 

Gwyn  0:24  
I find that that's actually useful for life to not just

Angela  0:29  
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. More often than technology. It feels like.

Gwyn  0:34  
Yeah, right? I just need to go to sleep, and then start over and it will be much better.

Angela  0:41  
Right? Sometimes that's just how it is.

Gwyn  0:43  
 Yeah. 

Angela  0:44  
100%.

Gwyn  0:50  
Hi, there, and welcome to What Excites Us, the show that discusses sex and sexuality throughout time and place, including the here and now. Which means that this show is adult in nature and is not aimed at kids. If you are a kid, please go listen to something else.

Today, I'm talking with Angela Locashio about the intersection of neurodiversity, sex, and relationships, and entrepreneurship. And it's a really interesting conversation where I got to learn new things, so I'm sure you will too. Angela, aka Mama Pistachio, is a self proclaimed nerd an avid role player who has been passionate about creating safe space for diverse populations, including LGBTQ plus, and neurodivergent folks. Using an intersectional approach, Angela helps her clients understand how their lived experiences, including sex and sexuality affects all areas of their lives from the games they play, to personal relationships, to running their own businesses. When she's not discussing d&d characters, sensory integration or sexuality and entrepreneurships with clients, you might find her training her dogs, or playing Amber with her family. Angela is a partner with the Transverse, and holds memberships in both the World Association of Sex Coaches, and the World Association for Sexual Health. She offers one on one coaching for individuals, mentorship for professionals, and consulting for organizations to create inclusive sex positive work environments. Recently, Angela has created a community on Discord for nerdy, neurodivergent, and queer entrepreneurs. And I'll tell you more about that after the chat. Stay tuned. 

Hi, Angela, how exciting to get to meet you in person, sort of, and have you on the show. I'm really, really excited to chat with you. So welcome to What Excites Us.

Angela  3:08  
Thank you so much. I mean, this excites me, right? I've been we've been friends on Facebook and looking at each other, as you know, as sex coaches. And sometimes we just don't get that chance to connect. So this is really super exciting for me.

Gwyn  3:24  
I feel that way too. I've been wanting to comment on your collar. Since the very first moment that I saw you

Angela  3:32 
see, in the know when somebody just immediately recognizes that I get somebody Oh, that's a pretty necklace. Like Thank you.

Gwyn  3:41  
I love the way that you can change out the charms on it.

Angela  3:45  
I could if I wanted to. I have never taken this off since it was put on the first time. I have not taken it off a single time. Gosh, it is three and a half years now. I have not taken it off. So it says light on one side and dark on the other. For lots and lots of reasons.

Gwyn  4:12  
I love that. That's delightful. How absolutely lovely is that? Yay. 

Angela  4:18  
Thank you. 

Gwyn  4:19 
Yeah. So So you're a sex coach. You also went to SCU? Yeah.

Angela  4:24  
Yes, I did. Yes, I did. I graduated from SCU. and still am  big in that community. I love getting on our community calls and participating in the book club and just having that amazing group of, you know, other like minded people around to talk about things and address our own beliefs and biases that we can continue to have, no matter how much we know.

Gwyn  4:49  
Yes, I concur. 100% like the eight senses, which is one of the things that you're going to talk about. That blew my mind. Let's start with that. 

Angela  5:01  
Yay! I love it. That is super exciting that really excites me that that blew your mind. It blows a lot of people's minds when I first talked to them about it, because we, especially in the sex coach scene, right, like we talk about the senses and how important they are and sensory integration all the time. But we talk about five of them. The ones that we talk about from the time we are in what kindergarten, maybe even preschool, learning about the senses, the regular five senses, sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. And especially in our world touch is the biggest one that is talked about, even though all of them are important. But then there are these other three that we don't talk about, because people don't know about them. Unless you're an occupational therapist, specializing in this, you have no idea a lot of doctors have no idea therapists working with people have no idea. But I love neuro neuro diversity. And as a neurodivergent person, myself, it's important for me to understand my own senses, my own sensory needs. So delving into that and seeing these three other senses. One is called vestibular. And that is, our, that's our balance. That's how we feel our own body in space. And then we have proprioception, which is like our own joints, and where we are feeling them, and being able to make that brain body connection with where those are and how they are moving in that space. And then we have interoception, and that's the inside of us, right? That is our feelings, and our heartbeat, and the temperature, and all of those things that happen inside of our body that we often are not aware of. And when you look at that, those three things, and you're like, oh my gosh, those could really, really have an impact on how I feel day in and day out. And how I feel day in and day out, impacts how I think about, feel about, and do sex.

Gwyn  7:31  
Which makes total sense. And this is, yeah, I've never heard of this before, before I read your blog, which by the way, is fantastic. And it will totally be included in the show notes. I really liked the way that you took that information, and then teased it out for what for what it means I recall something about time in there, and how we relate to time. And I know, so many neurodivergent people who have time issues. Hi, I have time issues.

Angela  8:01  
My gosh, I feel you, I feel you. I mean, this is, this is a thing for me. And I actually coach on this, you know, the coaching that I do is very, very holistic, taking this into consideration and saying, Okay, how does the intersectionality of all of these different pieces of our life experience affect what I'm doing, including my sexuality, you know, my sexuality is part of those intersecting pieces. But all of those intersecting pieces also come out in my sexuality, and just using that time example. I am with a partner, who is very regimented on time. And maybe I'm somebody who isn't. And so for them, they might start getting ready for something an hour or two hours in advance. And it really stresses them out to see me not getting ready. And I'm the kind of person who 15 to 20 minutes before we have to leave, I start scrambling and I'm running around, acting like a fool trying to get everything done, and I'm all panicky. But that's what works for me because that energy that is provided by that push, helps me really focus and get done what I need to get done. Whereas if I start getting ready two hours in advance, I'm super stressed out and getting ready isn't going to happen. The anxiety and everything that comes up during that time is really going to get to me, then we're going to have a terrible time out. We're going to start arguing, we're going to have a terrible time when we are going out. We're going to have a terrible time at dinner or with our friends. And by the time we get home we're exhausted, sex is off the table. And this could go into days or weeks of feeling badly and having stress in our relationship, just because the way we deal with and handle and understand time.

Gwyn  10:13  
This speaks to so many people. I can think of at least three couples off the top of my head, not clients, friends, who have very similar issues. I know ADHD, one of the ways that people naturally and then have learned to manage is by making things urgent. 

Angela  10:33  
Yep.

Gwyn  10:34 
I totally felt that when you were speaking about, oh, if I need to wait till 20 minutes ahead of time, and then your partner being like, Oh, what the hell? Why aren't you getting ready. So how do you learn how to figure out even where you are in these extra not extra in these unknown to most people senses? How do you learn to tease out that information?

Angela  11:02
I would like to say that that's really super easy. And I have a sensory checklist that that people can can look at, that just gives you a really brief overview of might sensory things be coming into play for you. And obviously, they do for everybody. But for people who have some sensory integration, either sensitivities or seeking behaviors, it affects our lives. And so looking at this, it's a very small one, just to give you a taste. And then you can really get into the deep stuff and start teasing out specifically, do you have sensitivities in this area? Do you have seeking behavior in this area, and then, you work at that, you work at learning how to communicate that to others, you work at learning how to accept that part of yourself, and you can also learn how to, I don't want to say adapt, because we are who we are, and we don't want to change who we are. But let's say you have significant sound sensitivities, you can put yourself in situations that are controlled, to help desensitizing yourself to some of those, so that when it does come up on you, unexpectedly, it's not such a shock. And people, you can actually go to an occupational therapist, and they can work with you on that. Of course, that's insurance issues. And it's expensive. And a lot of people in that field even work specifically with kids only, or autistic folks only. But it's not autistic folks only. And it's not kids only who have these needs. And that's what I mean, when I say it's not as easy as I would like it to be. But that's why I do what I do. Right? 

Gwyn  12:59  
So we come see you. 

Angela  13:00  
Yeah, absolutely. You can come see me. And I know that I'm not the only one. There aren't a lot of me out there doing this specific thing, who have the same, I guess, knowledge base that I have. But there are good occupational therapists out there who have that integration of sexuality, because they do they work with disabled individuals. And when you're working with people with disabilities, that's a skill set. And so some of them have taken that and said, Okay, I do understand how this affects people who have maybe not physical disabilities, but other things that create challenges for them in their lives, those invisible disabilities as well. And those occupational therapists are amazing individuals to work with on that whole life scale.

Gwyn  13:49  
That's great and brilliant, and I'm so glad that there are people out there to help folks who don't even realize that there's help available and sometimes don't even realize that they're different.

Angela  14:02  
Or they realize they're different. And they just try to squish it down and they're stressed out every single day, because they're trying to be somebody who they're not right.

Gwyn  14:12  
Yeah, well, our society leaves very little room for people who don't fit the mold, right? 

Angela  14:18  
So true. 

Gwyn  14:19
We don't need to get into that though. Me ranting for hours blah. So if you know you have some differences, and you start figuring out the things, and then learning how to learn about yourself seems first, learning how to communicate that seems crucial. Absolutely. How do you figure out how to communicate them centrally and sexually?

Angela  14:45  
I love that. I get a lot of people who come to me because they are either wanting to explore kink, and BDSM or they are wanting to let go of shame  because they do have these interests. And they don't recognize  that many, many, many people who are in the kink and BDSM community are there. Because of these sensory things. There have been a few, not very many, a few studies that have been done on autistic folks, where they have talked with autistic folks about sexuality because we, as a society have this belief that if you're autistic, you're not sexual. And that's flat out bullshit. 

Gwyn  15:30  
Right? That's ridiculous. 

Angela  15:32  
It is ridiculous. I mean, first of all, we are all sexual, e ven those of us who choose and are not interested in actually having sex, we are all sexual beings, it's part of being human. It's one of our core emotions, two of our core emotions put together right lust and play. So it is absolutely crucial that we start understanding this. So looking at the kink, and BDSM community, these are individuals who have said, You know what, I have this thing. And when I do it, I feel so good. And regularly, when you are talking to anybody who is in that scene, it comes down to nervous system regulation. You know, you you hear people talking about going into a trance, or having a spiritual connection or being quiet, it's the only time I can be quiet. I can't meditate, I cannot sit on that stupid meditation pillow, do not tell me to just breathe, but get somebody to tie me down and lay their entire body on top of me, and within 30 seconds, my heart rate starts to drop, I start to be able to experience all of the senses around me for the first time, because I can finally get out of my damn head. And that's really the key that we're talking about here is being able to fully participate and experience all of our senses in a way that works for us.

Gwyn  17:09  
That's brilliant. When I was younger, I would refer to needing to be overwhelmed. Yeah, by sensation. Yes. And that sex was the best way to do that. And kinky sex in particular was the best way to do that. And I had no idea what I was doing. So we have these ways of sort of self-medicating, although medicating isn't the right word. But I don't really know what what the right word would be. But but we instinctually gravitate towards these things. But then as you said, society comes in and goes, No, that's wrong, you're wrong, there's something wrong with you. And then it just completely shuts down everything.

Angela  17:51  
And then we walk around in the world in this fight, flight, freeze mode, all of the time. And I should add fun in there too. You know, there are four F's, not just three. And, and we walk around in that not recognizing that there are things that we can ask others to help us with, which, you know, kink and BDSM really helps with that, because you learn the communication pieces, you learn how to really get that self awareness to be able to tell somebody else what you need, when to go more when to stop. But also when we can take away that shame. And we can say, You know what, this is something that is normal, we can learn how to do that you kind of mentioned the word soothe. And we can learn how to do that for ourselves. I, along with the many other things and labels that I have, am also a marine wife, which means that my partner is not always here. And I have anxieties, especially since being with this partner, because he allows me so much space to be me, and to feel safe in a world where I don't feel safe a lot of times, so when he's not here, to be that person, to help regulate my nervous system, to give me that really big strong hug, or to get really stern with me, Angela, you need to do this kind of thing. So I've had to adapt and find other strategies. And it's, we can sit here and talk about sex and how we can use masturbation and self pleasure. Absolutely. This is wonderful. That's not always possible. Right? I'm lucky enough to work at home. I could go and do that whenever I wanted to. But if you're in an office, that's not going to work. So I actually use this thing. It's called a mobility wall. Yeah, right. Yeah, it is literally this tool that goes in the doorway and it has rollers on it and A little pressure device, but it's in the doorway. So I can use it standing up. Imagine if I have some of that vestibular or balance, sensory sensitivity, and I have to get down on the floor to use a foam roller. Well, immediately my nervous system is going to go insane, because now I'm down on the floor, and I'm home by myself. And I don't have anybody to help me, if I get overwhelmed in that sensation of moving from a lying position to a sitting position, I don't have to worry about that with the mobility wall, because it's in the doorway. And I can get that same effect of rolling on a foam roller, or laying on a tennis ball, that gives me that deep intense pressure that I might need. I could do that in the doorway standing up, and I don't overwhelm my senses doing that. And that's just one example. And imagine during the day, I have that tool, so that when my partner does come home, I can greet him from a space of calm relaxation, instead of immediately greeting him at the door with, I need you to help me calm down, I need you to help me with my anxiety, we both can start off in that centered space, and I can even help him come down from his day, you can imagine that the sex is going to be so much better, the intimacy is going to be better the relationship is going to be better.

Gwyn  21:29
That's fantastic. I love that, I'm gonna have to find that.

Angela  21:35  
I will send you that information, I'll send you a code for it. I'm not an affiliate or anything, but I just love it so much that I did reach out to them. And I'm like, Look, I have people I would love to share this with because it can really help us. And so I would happily give you a link and a code to get 10% off of that. They were gracious enough to give that to us.

Gwyn  21:55  
We will definitely put that in the show notes too. Because I'm sure that there are a lot of people who are going to find that useful. I could think of several off the top of my head. So how does all this affect life in the rest of the world? So I mean, we know that sex and sexuality affects our inner home lives. And we have this vague understanding that it affects us outside of it. But how do you those of us who are neurodivergent in the myriad of ways, take this understanding and translate it to acting out in the rest of the world not acting out. That sounds like a five year old.

Angela  22:36  
You just have to act out.

Gwyn  22:39  
It doesn't matter how old you are. But how does it translate to participating in the rest of the into what's the normies? My friends calls it?

Angela  22:49  
I love it. Um, well, I love that you asked that. Because that's actually one of the big things that I do, right? I do business coaching for people who understand the intersectionality of all of the pieces of their lives, their race, their gender, their sexuality, their lived experiences, their socio economic status, and how does that affect what they're doing every day in the world.

Gwyn  23:10  
Hold on, hold on, you do business coaching, as well as sex coaching.

Angela  23:15  
I incorporate it all together, I find that, that if I'm working with somebody who runs their own business, entrepreneurs, especially, this is life changing in the way that you work your business and the way that you interact and other people, I do not believe in saying, Okay, we're doing sex coaching, and we're going to talk about orgasms, and I'm going to show you how to have a good orgasm. And that's all it's going to be. Because no matter what all of those other aspects of our life come in. So if I had to put only one label on myself of what kind of coaching I do, I would probably just call it intersectional coaching.

Gwyn  23:53  
I love that. That's really fantastic. And and especially that it's deeply intersectional you're talking about sex and sexuality, and then business which is so personal and intimate. Yep. And then life in general. It's brilliant. Thank you, Angela, for the work you do.

Angela  24:11  
Oh, thank you so much. I mean, really, if you think about it, imagine that you are somebody who is let's say you are transitioning, and you are going through all of this, at the same time as running a business during COVID and trying to keep your business going. And also dealing with the emotions of a second puberty, learning who you are. Today, you've known because you've been this person forever, but you're actually being able to share this person with the world for the first time. And you have a business and maybe you have 1, 2, 20, 50 people who you work with on a daily basis. Your sexuality is going to come into play In the interactions you're having in your business with your customers, the way you think about money. And we have to address that. And when people feel good sexually, when we feel like we are seeing heard, appreciated and valued as a sexual being, because it is a core part of being a human being, when we feel that way, that is when we can shine, truly shine and experience bliss. In the other areas of our life, I do not believe that you can be as fully successful as your potential your maximum potential, if you are not comfortable with your own sexuality.

Gwyn  25:49  
Yeah, I would concur with that. Because it truly is a piece of it's our core, it is part of what makes us human. 

Angela  26:01  
Scientifically proven, what you're just saying is not just we're not blowing smoke up, somebody ass, we're not saying that because we value sex and sexuality. This is scientifically proven that there are core emotions of all animals. And if we are not addressing all of those core emotions, then the ones that cause us the most challenges, the ones that cause us stress and take our nervous system into that fight flight mode. They rule the day. But we can help balance it out by addressing the other core emotions that help us have pleasure and love and these other things in our life that are less stressful.

Leah Carey  26:47  
Hey, friends, I'm Leah Carey inviting you to listen to Good Girls Talk About Sex, where I interview everyday women about their sex lives. 

Speaker 2  26:56  
You know, I want to be like pushed against the wall like in the movies. 

Speaker 3
This feels good. But do I look fat?

Speaker 4  27:01  
That always turned me on but I don't think I've admitted that to my husband. 

Speaker 5
Have sex with women. Highly recommend. 

Leah Carey  27:07  
Good Girls Talk About Sex is here to remind you, you're not alone. And your desires are completely normal. Listen on your favorite podcast app today.

Gwyn Isaacs  27:23  
Hey, folks, do you know that What Excites Us has a Patreon account? Well, we do. Are you familiar with Patreon yet? It's a great way to directly support the people who enhance your life. There are artists, writers, podcasters, as well as many other types of creators and conversation makers who could use your help to continue to do great work, including me. You see, I love making the show. And yet it still needs to earn a living when you contribute to creators, they can keep producing the work you enjoy. And when you do become a patron of a creator, your membership almost always involves perks. For instance, for only $6 a month, you get to hear the episodes of What Excites Us without any ads like this one, you will be invited into our private Facebook group, and you can message me from inside the Patreon app. If you love the show and can afford to support us for $99 a month you get all the perks, many of which I haven't mentioned, including live regular video chats with me. No matter what level you come in on. You will have my undying appreciation and gratitude. And if you are among the first 15 people to join, you will get a never expiring coupon code for an extra 20% off your first merch purchase. Even if you come in on the level that already has 20% off merch is coming soon, I promise. So come join me on Patreon and tell me what excites you so when someone comes to work with you, and they start off with just wanting I just want to get over the shame because I think I'm kinky we you walk them through looking at all of the aspects in their life or do you wait for them to come back to you with that wanting more?

Angela  29:30  
Now I ask very targeted questions. I I'm not gonna lie use my intuition. Sometimes your gut just tells you like, Okay, this is coming from a space of a financial space. Think about the wellness wheel. And anybody who's listening who is familiar with Dr. Patty's needs, mind, emotion, body behavior, energy and spirituality. I look at that I look at the wellness wheel. And of course, sex is not on any wellness wheel anywhere. I don't know if you've ever noticed that they've just started putting like multiculturalism on there. Right, right, like, Are you kidding me? But sex and sexuality still isn't in there. And if you ask somebody about it, they're like, Oh, well, that's under the physical health. Okay? Well, you obviously don't understand human sexuality if it's just a physical thing. But anyway, I digress. So, it is impossible for me to do that. I really do like that needs framework, it's impossible to do that without addressing the whole person, you have to talk about them. So tell me about work. What do you do? What kind of stress do you have? What kind of, you know, things make you really happy? What do you do when you're having a bad day, at work or in your relationship or with your kids or with your parents or whatever. And I guess, all of my years as a public school teacher, being trauma informed, working in a trauma informed capacity with my students, then with the teachers who I worked with, and understanding that their own, it doesn't have to be big trauma, right? Every individual has trauma, but their own life experiences affects the way they teach and the relationships that they have with their students. And then you have to look at the outside community, and the traumas that have happened in the community and how that affects it all. I bring all of that in to my coaching. And again, that's that intersectional piece, it's let's look at all of this and see every aspect of your life that could possibly be affecting you. And how can you use this kink? To address that and help you deal with stress that you have? Yeah, how can you use that as a tool to be more successful and just not in a capitalistic way, but to feel fulfilled? In your life? Yeah, that feels right. 

Gwyn  32:05  
Sure does. I love that I love that you're dealing with whole beings. Because so many of us are so segmented in ourselves, that, that we just don't even want to consider that this is affecting that is affecting that is affecting that in the whole round robin of our of our souls. 

Angela  32:28  
Right.

Gwyn  32:29
So your inner intersectional modality for both internal and external, I think is really brilliant. That's really good. Yeah, thank you. I think it's great. And I think more people need to, you know, I, I would like more people to start to come around to the understanding of that, that we are affected by what internal and external stimulus isaround. And then by all the things that have happened throughout our lives and are continuing to happen. Oh, I wrote down does BDSM have to involve sex? 

Angela  33:17  
Oh! I love this question so much. No, no, it doesn't.

Gwyn  33:23  
So let's let's just take a step back for a second. Give us the definition of BDSM.

Angela  33:29  
Okay, okay. Yes. So it's, it's kind of long, let me just I'm gonna break it down into the chunks. So we've got the B, which is bondage, and we say B and D, right, bondage and discipline, right. And then we have the D, which we just said was discipline, but then it also stands for dominance. So now let's take that second D dominance and put it with the S, which is the opposite of dominance, submission. And so now we have bondage and discipline, dominance and submission. And then now that S has a second meaning. That S would be sadism. And then the M would be masochism. And so now we have bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. And you could be anywhere along that spectrum on multiple or on one.

Gwyn  34:32  
I generally use the term kinky folk, because it just incorporates. Because the people who are really into tickling, they're like, I don't know, where does this fit? Like? You're all just kinky. That's good.

Angela  34:44  
Depends on how it depends on your senses. Right? Literally, that depends on your, on your senses, is it? Where is it on the in the B the D the S the M so yeah, I love it when when people ask That definition because then you say it and it's like, Huh.

Gwyn  35:06  
Right? What? And it has, it also has such stigma. So that that's the reason that I tend to use the term kinky because it for some reason it feels softer, you know, less likely to pull up images of ridiculous porn, basically.

Angela  35:26  
Or stupid, uninformed movies and books. But no, it absolutely does not have to be. It doesn't have to be sexual. There are, there are therapists who use certain aspects of it, of course, within the therapeutic guidelines to the ethics that they have to follow as a therapist within their state and blah, blah, blah. But who can who have recognized the use of rope play, for example, there's all this stuff out there about, oh, it's trauma, it's trauma, it's trauma. And I guess I'm gonna back up just a minute that when we're looking at that intersectional piece, we're not just looking at the trauma or the things that have harmed us. But we're also looking at all of the things that have helped us and that feel good. And that help us today be the person who we want to be in show up in the world. And taking up space that we have the divine right to take up. So when we're looking at that BDSM, and maybe using it in a way that isn't about sex. And by the way, people in the BDSM community do this often without having sex. People don't think about that, because they think that it's this dark dungeon nasty orgy thing happening. And that's not it at all. It really is about finding a way for somebody to tap into their own self, to be able to experience pleasure, whether it's sexual pleasure, or sensory pleasure, or just the pleasure and being able to be to feel calm, for however many moments that might be.

Gwyn  37:15  
That's lovely, and often overlooked. Even in the the kinky realm. Absolutely. You know, a lot of people are doing it for sexual reasons. Even if they're not engaging sexually at the moment, they might be. They might be getting juicy and excited, or might be storing it away for some fantasy fodder later. But the act of almost meditation that is involved in a lot of kink and kinky scenes is not something to just ignore. Yeah, I think it's, it's very vital.

Angela  37:51
Well, and you know, so many kinky folks do this instinctively, almost?  Like they're gravitated, they're pulled towards this. And they do it. And they know that it helps them feel better. But maybe they don't know why it helps them feel better. Because I mean, first of all, you don't have to know why everything. It's just it feels good and great. But oftentimes, the reason that it is related to sex is because it helps us relax. So that we can experience right now in the moment and be present. And when you can do that, that's when sex is really pleasurable, that's when you are able to have those intense orgasms that feel different. And I know there's going to be somebody listening who says, Man, when I'm really stressed out, that's when I have the best sex. It's just like, Ah, great. And, and likely sex does help that it's not just black and white. It's a whole spectrum of things. So anything that I'm saying can be anywhere along that spectrum, I'm not discounting, that people can just go at it. And that can be super relaxing. But let's look at that other side and understand the effect that many of the kinks that we lean into, help regulate our nervous systems, so that we can enjoy the relationships and the other pleasures in life with sexual and otherwise that we do have.

Gwyn  39:18  
Yeah. And talking with you about it like this. Makes it very clear to me anyway, hopefully, to our listeners to how that can translate into having a more fulfilling life outside of that.

Angela  39:35  
Absolutely. Absolutely. Can I give just a tiny story of why this is so important to me. When I became a mom, I was regularly playing. I was a single mom. I was regular regularly playing d&d, and other geeky weird stuff, you know, and I have these great friends who you You know, we would sit around and I could regularly talk about sexuality and, and these things, you know, and and get my needs met, not even from a sexual space but just to curl up on my friend's lap and be held when I didn't have a partner to do that for me. And I didn't recognize at the time, everything that was was happening and that I needed. And I got married. And he was a wonderful human being, who also was rather shy around sex and sexuality, and who also had some preconceived notions of what it means to be married. And it was, well, you don't do that when you're married. You know, married means boring. Married means calm down. Well, I'm not a calm person. I like the emotional roller coaster. Our emotions are part of that interoceptive sense. And my emotions, I experience highs and I experience lows. And I love both of them. Because like you, I need that strong impact of something to really be able to feel and be in the moment. And so for 11 years, I was with this person, I shut off my geekiness I shut off my playfulness, I shut off my sexuality. And I was miserable. I was miserable. And I was miserable at work. I was miserable at home, I wasn't the best mom I could be. I got cancer. And I know I got cancer, gynecological cancer. Why? Because I held so much anger and resentment about having to he didn't ask me to do this. But I did because society and blah having to turn off my sexuality and not being able to be the person who I am. That geek nerd neurodiverse, anxious. Highly sexual person, the resentment went into my body because the body does keep the score. That's a great book, y'all. And I got cancer. And I do not want that to happen to other people. And that's why I'm so passionate about sharing what I share. Because like you said it affects every single aspect of our life.

Gwyn  42:24
That story, while the specifics are certainly yours, is so familiar. And I know so many people who do the things that we think we should do in air quotes. Because that's what we've been taught. And even if we haven't been actually taught that that's what we pick up from television, from movies, from friends, whatever. And we shut down in a variety of ways. I'm sorry, you had to go through that. I'm glad for the outcome.

Angela  42:57  
I'm glad and you know what, things not everything has a purpose. You know what, sometimes it's just a shit show. And that's how it is. Right? I I did learn a lesson from that I had gotten multiple bricks upside the head before that, and I didn't listen to them. But guess what I listened this time. And I do believe many people who are in our, in any kind of field where you're helping other people, right? Your own personal story helps you get there. Yeah, we tend to coach in areas that have been difficult for us before. I think part of the reason is so that it keeps us present and mindful to not go back to that space. And every time we work with somebody, we help them and they also help us.

Gwyn  43:43  
Absolutely. Without a doubt. Yeah, in fact, I've decided to not take on clients who I don't feel that there will be some reciprocity. Not that I'm hiring them, they're hiring me. But if it if it feels rote, then I don't think that I'm going to be a good person for you.

Angela  44:02  
Yeah, if you can't learn from somebody, then there's a disconnect. Yeah, they're not going to be able to learn from you either.

Gwyn  44:10  
Right? And then we're just wasting everybody's time. 

Angela  44:13  
Yeah. And you refer out and find them a coach who resonates with them.

Gwyn  44:17  
Exactly. And that's so key. Yeah, every time. Yeah.

Angela  44:21  
In the business world, we call that a scarcity mindset, right? Like, I have to take on all the clients, because I need the money. And I'm not gonna say no to anybody. Well, yeah, I am. And if that means I don't have that extra money this month, then I don't have the extra money this month, but I'm not going to work with somebody and take their money when I know. It's not the right fit.

Gwyn  44:45  
It ends up being depleting.

Angela  44:47  
Absolutely, absolutely. And  by the way, when you have that mindset, and you're able to say no to things that aren't going to work for you, there's so much more room to say yes. And then guess what, you actually have way more money than you would have by working with a client and asking a client to work in a situation that's not good for either of you. Coaching tip for the day.

Gwyn  45:15  
Excellent. And well, it's a huge one. It's not a little one. I think it's huge, because so many people get stuck in scarcity mindset. It's, it's our entire culture is built upon it. I mean, we formed a country because we didn't want to pay taxes. You know, I mean, not that they were good taxes. Don't get me wrong. I'm not disagreeing with American institution, whatever. But you know, it's definitely that and then the Puritans and now look at where we are.

Angela  45:45  
Right, right. Yeah, we've said shit show earlier. Right?

Gwyn  45:50  
Absolutely. Oh, this has been great. Is there anything else that you want to be sure to touch on? Because I know we're running close to the end of time.

Angela  46:03  
Oh, my gosh, you know what? I just I think the biggest thing is, you know, Emily Nagurski and her book. Come as you are, she starts talking. Right? Right. Okay. There's something big, y'all when you're listening to this, Emily Nagasaki's book Come as You Are the workbook that goes along with it. Every TED Talk and stuff that she's done, and the book Burnout that she wrote with her sister Amelia, who's equally as amazing as she is, these are books that you must have. Can we put links?

Gwyn  46:35  
Absolutely. Without a doubt. Yeah.

Angela  46:37  
Yeah. Because they're just so good and so profound, and helpful. And they're directed at more of the feminine individual. But they're, if you can take that piece out of there, if you don't resonate with that. It's amazing. And it's beautiful. I don't remember what I was saying about that. But there we go. Read that. Look at that. Oh, you're normal. That's the that's the thing, right there. She talks about in her book, how the biggest question that she's asked is, you know, am I normal? And then by the time people are done with her seminar, her class or whatever they recognize, yes, I'm normal. So if you have something weird, okay, I'm Mama Pistachio, awkward, weird and wise, like, embrace that shit, it's part of who you are, you are going to be much happier when you can... You don't have to love it, but when you can accept that it's part of who you are, and allow it to work for you instead of against you. Yeah, you're normal.

Gwyn  47:47  
I'm wordless because that is literally the whole premise of the show. So for listeners, I'm interviewing Angela, before I've gone live at all, I'm still in very much this is I guess we would call this production, since I'm not writing a script I'm producing. But you don't know that that's the whole premise of the show. The reason it's called What Excites Us is because everything or something excites everyone. And everyone asks, am I normal? And so the, this the point of the show is to address the question, Am I normal? And the answer is always, yes. Always, always, you wouldn't exist. If you were not normal. As sex coaches, we are taught not to use that language. Because it's, you know, it can be derogatory, somebody thinks that, but as humans, which we still are. It's the question that if you winnow it down, 9 out of 10 questions come to us are, am I normal? Yep. So that you just encapsulated everything. Thank you so much.

Angela  48:57  
Yay

Gwyn  49:00  
That's so exciting. I will edit that to make it sound less awkward.

Angela  49:07  
You know, what if it sounds awkward, I mean, I'm okay with that. I'm awkward, that's just how it is. 

Gwyn  49:14  
Yeah. Maybe we'll leave it. Maybe we'll let everyone see exactly how awkward I am. I'm not embarrassed about it. I just want it to be good radio. That's all. So the last question I asked everyone is what excites you? So Angela, what excites you?

Angela  49:35  
You know what? I excite me. I excite me, having these conversations excites me. Not having to be in person and looking at somebody in the eye. As we're having this conversation excites me. Helping people excites me. And when I meet somebody who has no idea what intersectionality is, and they can walk away from a conversation with me Even if I did not look at them during the whole conversation, they can understand a little tiny piece of how their life experience is beautiful in its own way. In its pain and in its glory and how it affects them and their relationships and how they view other people. So that maybe they can be a little more empathic and understanding. That excites me. Big time.

Gwyn  50:27 
That's beautiful. I'm gonna cry. That's really lovely. So how do people find you,

Angela  50:36  
Mamapistachio.com. And then if you do themamapistachio, or Angelo Locashio on any social media platform, you will find me on one or the other multiple of them.

Gwyn  50:51  
Thank you so much for talking with me today. Really appreciate it.

Angela  50:55  
Thank you for having me it's been awesome.

Gwyn  51:00  
Angela wanted me to be sure to let you know that she has moved off of Facebook because it censors too much content that is relevant to our lives as sexual beings and moved on to Discord. She has a community for nerdy neurodivergent and queer entrepreneurs to talk about all the things that affect the various intersecting areas of our lives. And she will be offering regular commentary on consensual entrepreneurship so that we can achieve harmony because the idea of the perfect work life balance is bullshit. Discussions in the Server includes successes and challenges in our businesses and lives, nervous system regulation, relationships, sexuality and sex, including kink and BDSM, neuro divergence, intersectionality, values and integrity, and their role in consent, and how consent plays a role in all areas of our lives not only in sex. This community has a voice channel, and she will be hosting live events as well. There's even a section for networking and promoting too. She also hosts a private area specific to her clients, and where they can chat and work together with like minded folks experiencing some of the same challenges. The link to this is discord.mamapistachio.com And I'll put that in the show notes as well. Thank you so much for listening. It's really a pleasure to have you here with me. I super appreciate it. What Excites Us is produced, edited and hosted by me Gwyn Isaacs, you can find me at earthlydesire.com Or whatexcitesus.com And don't forget to go check out my Patreon at patreon.com/whatexcitesus. All music is used under the Creative Commons Attribution license. This week it includes The Vendetta by Steven Kartenberg, Let me Talk, Carol by Josh Woodward, and  This is Awakening by Water. Tickle.life posts this and many other podcasts about sex and sexuality, as well as having a whole bunch of other great content including an email news list. Check them out at tickle.life. And thanks for listening. I really do appreciate you