What Excites Us!

Episode 48: Lady Vivus - The Kinky Cruise Director

Transcript:

Ep 48 - Lady Vivus - The Kinky Cruise Director ===
[00:00:00] Gwyn: This podcast is about sex and sexuality, so please only listen if you are an adult without kids or other ears around that cannot, or do not consent to sensitive language and content. Thanks.

[00:00:22] Lady V: There's some people who love the chalk on chalkboard sound. And there's some people who enjoy urethral sounding like. It's dichotomy. It's cool

[00:00:35] Gwyn: Hello, and welcome to What Excites Us, the podcast that discusses sex and sexuality from a variety of perspectives. My name is Gwyn Isaacs. I'm a certified sex coach who has been professionally helping folks feel good about their sexuality and how to approach it with glee since 2017.

[00:00:58] What a joy it was talking to Lady Vivus! Lady V, who uses she/ her pronouns, is a spiritually and culturally driven, sex positive educator and organizer. She is a professional switchanatrix, a Hucow, and a Bootblack. As a self proclaimed Jewish American pleasure princess and dairy queen, Lady V has taught all over the United States for organizations and conferences such as KinkFest, Southeast LeatherFest, Sex Positive World, Subspace, and more. Lady Vivis currently serves as an advocacy board member for Sex Positive World and proudly facilitates their education.

[00:01:44] Lady V has also served her community by facilitating public health events, most recently being Kink Out Loud in partnership with the ECHWA Institute and Multnomah County Public Health Department. She also co designed the Hucow Pride Flag in 2023. Lady Vivis is an out, proud, and fierce as fire trans woman with a passion for empowering trans folks and their loved ones.

[00:02:12] Her personality is best described as Fran Drescher with a whip. While hailing from Detroit, Michigan, she has settled in Salem, Oregon, where she serves as the major domo for her leather family, the Atomic Army. She hopes to inspire others to enjoy their sexuality and dynamics from an authentic place, as well as embrace their spiritual place with leather and find healing within it.

[00:02:38] Her love of community, education, and sharing ideas with other sex positive folks is insatiable and infectious. Lady V serves as the lead organizer for the Salem Munch, as well as a resident bootblack for the Portland Eagle. and the Jiffy Kink Play Parties. You can learn more about her on her website, LadyVivus. com, or follow her on FetLife, where she is Lady underscore Vivis.

[00:03:06] In this episode, we talk about the Pleasure Bound Tour, which will sadly be winding up as you hear this, and some of the many, many classes that she offers. We discuss hucow play, sissyfication and the dichotomy some folks who are gender variant feel about it. The epidemic of loneliness in our world, and in particular how it is affecting cis men, community building, and really so much more.

[00:03:33] Just to give you all the heads up, this is a conversation between two kinksters and there is some perhaps unknown language used. However, It is a truly amazing conversation, and I highly, highly recommend that everyone listen, especially if you don't find yourself terribly interested in kink, because you will learn so many interesting things. I learned so much from it just by having the conversation, and I'm certain you will too.

[00:04:05] Thank you, Lady Vivus, for coming on What Excites Us. You were sent to me by Jamie, which I just think is so cool. And then as looking you up a little bit, I see that you do work with Sex Positive World in a variety of capacities.

[00:04:21] Lady V: The funny thing about Sex Positive World and Jamie is I've often described our relationship as a black and white cookie. We are like two sides of a very similar coin in how we work and operate. I don't even remember, honestly, how I even got involved with Sex Positive World or Sex Positive Portland.

[00:04:39] But I remember just getting involved and being like, oh my god, I actually really appreciate this. this mission and how they do vetting and just overall how they sow the seeds of community, so to speak. So I just ended up vibing with Jamie and yeah, so we're actually doing this fall workshop tour, in partnership with each other. So we're doing a few West Coast dates together, which is pretty cool. It's so weird to be like, oh my God, I'm doing a workshop tour. Because that's just a concept I kind of pulled out of my tuchus like a little bit.

[00:05:12] I grew up around a lot of musicians that did a lot of touring and I'm someone who's like, I need drive to, like, go and meet people and meet community and new people and get that energy. So it was kind of an excuse to bring people together and talk about consent and also talk about how to make our community a better place and also talk about some spicy things too.

[00:05:32] Gwyn: So. Yeah, tell me about the tour.

[00:05:34] Lady V: Yeah, so the Pleasure Bound tour is going to be hitting, Las Vegas, Seattle, Detroit, Michigan, Portland, a lot of different west coast states, Los Angeles, and also a ton of virtual dates as well.

[00:05:47] So, on it are some sex positive world classes, but also some of my own classes. So everything from leather care to being a human cow and talking about HuCow play and bovine play. I know, so cute, Moo! To leather and spirituality and so much more. I'm also going to be on this tour premiering my Sissyfication and Gender Affirmation class, which I'm really excited about just because, as a trans woman, gender-affirming intimacy is just kind of like my jam.

[00:06:19] I want other people to feel the same gender euphoria I've been able to feel. And granted, everyone has a different experience and a different road. But damn it, if we can like put some tools together and learn some things together to make our own intimacy or someone else's intimacy a little bit more affirming and a little bit better, we're going to have a great time.

[00:06:39] Gwyn: Yeah, that's super cool. So I've been in the sex ed world for a while, and there aren't a whole lot of that specific class of gender affirming and sissyification specifically out there and, frequently people who are into sissyification and people who are into gender variance don't necessarily get along.

[00:07:03] Lady V: No, and it's sad because, honestly, for so many of us, and especially speaking, from my own experience as a trans woman, sissyification was my gateway. I did not start this life as a trans woman. I didn't start this life as a female. And I started this life as someone who, if I showed you a picture, you would go, oh my god.

[00:07:24] When I transitioned, I looked like I was 10 years older than I was. I was very hairy at the time. I had a full beard, right before I transitioned, and it's a very drastic difference, and I feel like coming from that background, I feel like it's possible for so many other people to be able to find that same affirmation, just because so often before we even transition, we're told that we can't, and they won't be able to achieve it because we don't have a certain body type because of this or that, but, they don't know.

[00:07:55] And especially with the miracles of modern medicine and science, like, we only have one life to live. Why should we waste it trying to adapt to something that does not fit right with us, wearing the wrong skin, very literally. So, yeah, we actually came up with the idea of gender affirming intimacy. It was me and Patrick Califia. We did a class together, and I was able to talk about my own perspectives as a trans femme, and he was able to talk about his own, experiences as a transmasculine person.

[00:08:25] And together, it was able to really come together and talk about this very real issue we have this pleasure gap to a degree. That is very, frankly, easy to fix in my opinion. Because it really comes down to words and consent and really figuring out before you get into the hot and heavy what works. Honestly, for me, I'm pretty upfront about certain needs, especially about certain touch, especially about certain words.

[00:08:53] So to be very forward for a second, one of my biggest turn offs is when someone makes the assumption that I enjoy my genitalia being called a clitty or a clit. I'm very comfortable with calling my genitalia penis. everyone has their own different route and I've had partners that honestly, I've had to adapt to and they have their own language and how they deal with their genitalia dysphoria. For me, I'm very comfortable with being a trans woman and including the word penis into my vocabulary, especially when it comes to my own genitalia. So that assumption so often right in the hot and heavy can really take a turn for a second and make me go, ee, let's talk about that.

[00:09:33] Having moments like that happen, where mood would get killed or just adapting to a new partner who's also a trans female and having to find new language and new touch for them, really helped me shape my own side of gender-affirming intimacy.

[00:09:50] Gwyn: That makes a lot of sense.

[00:09:52] Lady V: But honestly, whatever language works for someone, because language is such a tricky thing. And also, language really traps us into certain barriers and certain labels that sometimes don't really fit us. So being able to come up with our own language, our own words, and even if it's calling your genitalia Harvey, that's still an adaptation for you to be able to have gender affirming intimacy and achieving gender euphoria. And it's not to be discounted by any means.

[00:10:21] It's so simple. See, it's really not that hard. So if I can help spread that to people, just the basic tools of being able to affirm. Make lives a little bit better for other trans people, especially when it comes to pleasure, because our pleasure so often comes with so much shame.

[00:10:42] And sometimes also dealing with the fact that we don't have the right genitalia, or at the moment don't have the right genitalia. And being able to make that adaption, whether that's permanently or temporarily. So, if I can help just one or two more people before I leave this earth, that's all I want at this point.

[00:11:02] Gwyn: I feel personally validated hearing you say that you moved into this realm from a sissyfication standpoint, because it seems pretty clear that there are a lot of folks who enter that way. Um, But the division is so intense. And not being trans, I don't feel as though I have a horse in the race that I can, you know, adequately say, no, no, that's wrong. Cause who am I to say that also, who am I to say that about anybody's experience ever? All the time.

[00:11:32] Lady V: But it's a real division.

[00:11:34] Gwyn: It is. and I don't get it.

[00:11:36] Lady V: Well, okay. So I would love to talk about that for a second.

[00:11:40] Gwyn: Let's please talk about that for a second.

[00:11:42] Lady V: So for most of us, when we saw sissyfication we saw it as forced feminization and it being forced upon us in our minds made it Okay, because then it wasn't an optional thing to be feminized, or at least in my own personal eyes. Gender affirming intimacy and sissyfication almost go hand in hand, because to a degree, when you look at sissyfication, so often it is every overblown trope of femininity.

[00:12:12] Exaggerated to a T, almost borderline drag, and that's okay. We should celebrate that, but also recognize that historically a lot of sissyfication has come with a lot of very harmful tropes as well, which can be some okay, some kind of very, to be honest, racially charged, And really need a little bit of dismantling. And talking about that, because we're coming back to these same racial tropes, and I'm so sorry to use this language, but, when we originally saw like early sissyfication would be all about, BBC, and it was so much because of. these people at that age grew up with a lot of tension among race.

[00:12:54] So you now have the flip side now where you have a different racial issue, and you now see BWC, which is big white cock. And just it's let's throw that shit just all the fuck away. let's get rid of the rest of that and talk about the better parts of sissyfication. But I just need to acknowledge that, and that's a real issue in sissyfication that there is some harm in it.

[00:13:15] And this is why I was inspired to create a class talking about sissyfication. So the dichotomy between sissyfication and also, trans femmes, I feel like it being our gateway allowed us to explore it in a way that was safe temporarily, that it was a reality that we weren't actually going to transition. That so many of us looked at sissyfication when we didn't know hormones were a possibility didn't even know maybe the word transgender like that was just the only thing out there.

[00:13:49] But it's a safe place to explore this hyper realm of femininity and sometimes even being a trans femme now, God, I'm almost, I think my 10th year of transition and still have those moments where I'm like adapting to being feminine and having that kind of force, like, all right, wear the pink, wear the high heels, allows it to be a little bit safer.

[00:14:14] It allows me to explore it in a place where I'm like, all right, I'm allowed to make some mistakes as I learn how to put on makeup, as I learn how to dress, as I trust this person. So often it's like a, some sort of familial figure or like strict disciplinarian dominatrix who like forces someone into clothes.

[00:14:35] And it's a safe ish figure making them do it, and it's just so interesting because we can unpack all this for days, but I think the biggest thing, especially going back to that dichotomy between like why so often trans people are revolted about sissyfication is because of the tropes inside of it. That's so often, so many of them are so misogynistic or racially charged. And it's really about taking the movement of sissyfication and moving it into a different way that is feminine empowerment and hyper femininity and not being ashamed.

[00:15:11] Don't get me wrong, we can throw some emotional masochism and humiliation in there. But you don't have to make it about these very harmful tropes that we're trying to dismantle in the real world. So that for me, honestly, is part of the tension between trans people and so often crossdressers.

[00:15:32] Personally, I, Especially cis men who claim crossdresser and claim it proudly. I love them. I love them to death. Because so often, that is like the most vulnerable place to be at, as a man. I have to say, being at that place at one time and being a crossdresser at one time and not having even the lingo for trans women. It was my safe place to explore myself, and also, if it's someone's fetish or they just enjoy being pretty, like, why shame someone? I celebrate that. I celebrate you for looking amazing and shredding your shit. And especially, oh my god, are you kidding me? The fact that you're willing to get that emotionally vulnerable in a society that still criticizes cis men for cross dressing, and even from within our own sex positive realm, good for you!

[00:16:27] Good for you for being brave enough to fight back and say, Fuck yeah, I'm beautiful. I celebrate you, and honestly, I think you are hot for just literally being authentic, because it's real. And so often, we're trying to adapt to what we think we should be for other people, instead of us actually inherently pulling forward what we want from the world, and even if that's just wearing a, you know, cute little schoolgirl outfit to the club.

[00:16:57] So I celebrate that wholeheartedly, and there shouldn't be that division. Ultimately, we're all under this umbrella of gender nonconforming. Even if I'm a binary trans woman, that doesn't mean that I can't love you as a crossdresser, who is a cis man. I don't think that you're a threat to my identity or my validity. I think you're a beautiful addition to my community who understands me. Potentially. At least as a gender nonconforming person.

[00:17:23] Gwyn: I absolutely love it. And it's useful. So, what other workshops are you teaching on your grand tour?

[00:17:30] Lady V: One of the things that I'm really excited to be teaching on this tour, my boot blacking 101 and kind of getting back to my leather roots. As you can see behind me, obviously our listeners won't be able to see, there's just like a wall of leather. I unfortunately have a hoarding issue. My hoarding issue is I have too much leather and I don't think there is such thing, but my mistress seems to disagree with me. So we'll see.

[00:17:57] I've been teaching Boot Blacking 101 now for probably I want to say about two years. And what I love about teaching Boot Blacking 101 is it doesn't matter if you're going off to be a boot black or not, you're getting skills as a kinkster to clean your fucking toys. Clean your toys. And that's ultimately like what I wanted, to spread because there's so often I would play with people and I would see them pull out a singletail and it's a nice kangaroo whip singletail and it's... Covered in Lysol, and it's like, what are you doing? Oh, no, or they would use Armor All, or like, something just as harmful, basically.

[00:18:35] So, it became a way for me to really, spread this joy to other people, and especially so often. Boot blacks, how do I put this? Not only are we pillars of the community when it comes to keeping our history and keeping people connected. We keep people grounded. When you enter our chairs, it's a place of safety for you to get up in our chairs, us to clean your boots, your leathers, and so often, it's a place to unpack trauma.

[00:19:04] Your shoes are directly connected to your journey, whether that's the, literal shit on your boots, or you telling me that, your, partner just died, and these were their boots, and you want me to do them right, as they just passed, and put good energy into them. There's so much. That people spiritually find within boot blacking and also erotically, let's face it, being able to also teach a little bit of some erotic boot blacking too. It's so much fun being able to talk about the love of leather,

[00:19:37] So, one of the other classes that I teach that almost feels like a flip side of it is a class called Sacred Leathers, and it's a class that's all about leather and spirituality. So, within the idea of leather, to me, leather lives in this really weird place where it's not really dead and not really alive. So everything in this world typically decomposes pretty quickly, except leather. It's literally flesh. That is tan, taken off a dead body, and it constantly reacts to different products, and it has all this energy in this pores, and I, constantly think about how the fact that, a cow, which for me, especially as a hucow, one of my like bovine brothers literally died to give me the beautiful jacket on my back, and how I need to honor that, and not just honor the life of the animal that gave it to me.

[00:20:27] But also for me, leather became a way to be an energetic shield, and so often a way for me to feel a little bit more secure, a little bit more safer, and I initially actually started wearing a lot of leather because of my mom. So my mom, back in her heyday, was a fur queen, just wore big furs and all that jazz, and furs just never been my thing. When I wear it, it just does not do it for me. But leather just really has always called to me ever since I was young. I saw maybe Terminator 2 a little bit too early, I think. Just seeing like Arnold Schwarzenegger's butt in those leather jeans, I think made me who I am today. Also Trent Reznor.

[00:21:11] Anyways, My mom, when I first transitioned, gave me this piece of advice, and she told me to always wear black because people will take me more seriously. I think about that moment a lot. And I think about that, wear black to feel powerful and to be taken a little bit more seriously. And it definitely gave me this air of confidence. So I remember her gifting me these leather skirts and I actually still have them. I wore one the other day, if I actually was doing a session with a client, because, hey, why not? I love my leather. It was just a way for me to connect with my familial roots. And, you know, even when you're talking about familial roots, you could talk about cultural roots. I mean, leather and Judaism has always gone so hand in hand.

[00:21:57] You know, so often Jews were the people who were doing the tanning because it was unfortunately the dirty job. And they would place us on the outskirts of town and, we would be able to let go and do our tanning because it was unfortunately a smelly, polluted thing. And it became a skill and still is to this day, actually. I think Israel has like a bunch of tanneries or something like that to this day. So, it's just very cool to like, kind of come back to my familial roots, but my own kind of punk rock fashion. Yeah, it's kind of like flipping leather on its head a little bit, so, yeah.

[00:22:34] Gwyn: So you're doing community building, you're doing boot blacking, gender affirming care and sissyfication. And is it pet play or are you just specifically doing bovine play?

[00:22:47] Lady V: Okay, so I do teach a Pet Play 101, but I also, do a whole class specifically on HuCow and bovine play. So I've been Hucow identified now, and for those who don't know what a hucow is, that means human cow. So, moo, or I'm sorry, moo, trust me, that was just a light moo. I've been a hucow for now about four years, and specifically, I consider myself a dairy cow. You can be, like, a meat cow, so you can be, like, a heavy masochist. You can be, like, a dairy cow, which is, the most common.

[00:23:23] It's typically, very, like, breeder, lactating, centric. Or you can be, I hope I'm pronouncing this right, a drought cow. So, like, if you're, like, going and, like, pulling a cart or something like that, kind of, like, pony play but with cows. There's just so much variation. Oh, I'm so sorry.

[00:23:39] And also a shout out to my fellow show cows, which means your pampered cows and you like to be shown off and you like to be taken care of. I've been a cow now for 4 years and my mistress is my rancher. Rancher is a part of the top slash handler kind of umbrella. There's also, on top of like ranchers, so rancher is kind of like your typical dominant, I would say?

[00:24:02] Not that I'm saying my mistress is the typical dominant, but that typical level of power exchange. You have a farmer that is more like caregiver, kind of like, mommy dom, daddy dom style. And then you have butchers, which are typically like heavy sadists. Let me tell you, I've had a butcher that I played with before, and he decided to put on, slaughterhouse sounds, and I was like, red. It's like, nope. Not my thing. Nope. Let's go back to, like, the breezy sounds, and you can, like, breed me in a pasture. Too rough for this little calf, like, can't handle it.

[00:24:33] God, what to say about being a hucow there's so much to it.. A big part of why I got into hucow play, was honestly, I found out randomly I was lactating. I didn't really know what to do with it. And it kind of led me down a rabbit hole. And then this whole idea of being like a cow really just started to excite me, especially like this idea because it became a container for me, to be a little bit more safely submissive. I'm probably a switch, but also at the same time, it's a little bit easier to like have that personification to slip into, to be like, okay, now I am CC the cow.

[00:25:09] And I can, get a little bit banged around by a butcher, or get bred by another bull, or can just sit in the grass and not be an ADHD gremlin and think about work. I can just sit and enjoy the grass, chew on the cud as they say it, maybe even smoke some cud. It's pretty chill, honestly.

[00:25:30] So often, sadly, when we're talking about hucow and bovine play, we forget about, people who aren't femmes. We forget about our cis men, our trans men, and our non binary friends. So, there's also the whole subsect of bull, of course, too. We have tons of bulls in the community, and that is something I'm finding a lot more common.

[00:25:51] And also, we have oxen. So, oxen are basically castrated bulls. And I had never heard of this term until I had met this person who was from Texas. And I had noticed this little cow necklace they were wearing. And I was like, hey, are you by chance, like, bovine identified? And they're like, yes, I'm oxen. And they explained to me, to them, as someone who is non binary, that was the perfect personification of what it meant for them to be bovine, um, was being the oxen and also being this big, powerful animal just roaming the plains and having that freedom.

[00:26:28] And I was like wow I was like, that is the coolest thing I've ever heard. So I was really inspired by that. And, in April of this year, we actually unveiled the Hucow Pride flag. So it was me and one other designer, her name is Andromeda Schmidt. And we created this big, beautiful hucow flag just to talk about especially the masculine and non binary folk in our community.

[00:26:53] And especially our handlers, because so often people don't talk about this amalgamation of other people, you just see typically feminine people in Hucow print and cow print, and it feels isolating for people, I'm sure. So I want to celebrate my bovine siblings across the board and also so much of this is, subject around, like, breasts and boobs, and 1 thing we don't talk about so often is male breast cancer, which runs rampant in my family.

[00:27:26] And that was a way for me to also just throw a little message out there too. And just support of that. Unfortunately, my grandfather had it. Other people in my family had it and I would rather that we talk about de stigmatization of a really real thing and men understand their breasts and their nipples and be able to also feel affirmed to. There's another bull I know who right now is working on stretching his nipples, so that way they can be longer.

[00:27:52] And I was just like, yes, dude, go. That is hot as fuck. Fuck. go and find your, like, inner bovine self and just really find that personification regardless of what isolation you feel because the only way that you're going to create a community for other people is by being the role model for others.

[00:28:14] So, if you're the only bull in your area, if you're the only oxen in your area, wear that shit loud and proud and other people will follow in pursuit and feel comfortable enough to be themselves.

[00:28:24] Gwyn: That's super fun. Yeah. Do you teach a, hucow class as well as a pet play class, or do they, are they folded together?

[00:28:33] Lady V: The difference between the Pet Play and the HuCow class is really talking about the intricacies of WhoCow play. And also, the ins and outs. So talking about everything from just how to get deeper into headspace, whether that's literally finding the right vocalization, because I can literally moo at my mistress and she knows what type of tonality I'm mooing at her with. So if I'm angry, she knows that I'm like, moo.

[00:28:58] If I'm happy, I'm like, moo. And like, keeping it like, really light and cute. Right? I know, it's adorable. Being able to teach people how to talk about dynamics, find the type of play they're looking for. And also because, let's face it, so often people go, Oh my god, what is that device you're wearing on your breasts?

[00:29:17] Talking about milkers, talking about the safety behind them too. Because goat milkers, especially they can cause a lot of chapping, especially on the nipples. So, being able to talk about how to care for your nipples, how to care for yourself, if you are going to use that machine. Because ultimately. It's not built for humans and it is going to probably leave a few blisters. It probably will leave some blood and guess what? Do not share your lines with a friend just because they don't want to spend 60 bucks because your biomaterial, even if you're not lactating, that's plasma. That's blood. There's different stuff going on in there

[00:29:49] so we're teaching safety. We're teaching fun stuff. Also give you a few different scenarios for, well, a few things that you can do too. Everything from being a rodeo bull, getting tied up in the middle of an arena to being a cowcubus and making sure someone feeds off you. One of the villagers have to feed off you in order to escape the dungeon.

[00:30:10] Gwyn: That's so fun. That's so fun. I can't stand it. Set up just whole quests. I love it.

[00:30:19] Lady V: Yeah, you know, and so often I feel like people need a little help with scenario building. And sometimes that can be, difficult for me, too. Once I have the scenario thought out, then I can do it, but sometimes I need help with that little scenario. So, especially... Because, let's face it, not everyone wants your typical DS type play where you're a bull fucking a cow, or you're a butcher beating a cow. Like, some people want some other different type of play, and sometimes it might be you taking your cow to the vet's office, and them getting an inspection.

[00:30:55] Gwyn: You have to have healthy cows. Do you also do just a basic pet play overview?

[00:31:02] Lady V: So this class is called Welcome to the Jungle. It's a pet play for all animals. So the whole idea behind it is being able to create a pet persona for anyone across the board. So often, I've, met the most random types of animals that you wouldn't think of. We often all meet dogs and cats and cows and rabbits, but y'all ever meet a latex dragon? Or like an otter? Like an, I mean not like an otter otter, but like an otter. But I met an otter who was an otter, so that worked perfectly.

[00:31:35] Gwyn: Of course. I mean, there has to be at least one.

[00:31:39] Lady V: But talking about those headspaces, talking about how to get deeper into them, talking about just dynamics and different ways to get into community and also, of course, scenario ideas. One thing I've started to do with them, too, is actually doing some group activities where people can kind of dig into their inner selves and find inner tonalities and talk about how they would like to do their movements. Because, example, for me, with, being a hucow especially when I'm really deep in a headspace, like, I have specific movements that mimic a cow where my head will, like, shake back and forth and, like, do that little neck thing cows do when they're excited, or, like, even, flare my nostrils, really loudly, back and forth, like I'm an excited cow. And just giving people those ideas and that safety to be like, alright, let's get weird for a second, and there's no shame in getting a little weird with me today. Let's go and, find that, power animal, so to speak, and really bring them to the surface.

[00:32:33]  Gwyn: you know, frequently when I tell people what I do for a living, they ask for a hot sex tip. So what I say, not really knowing them or any of their situations is that most sexual issues can be helped with more and better conversation, or lube or both. Now, conversation is really on you, although I can help you if you'd like me to. I do that as a coach.

[00:33:01] But when it comes to lube, there are two brands that I always reach for first. Uberlube is my go-to silicone lube. It's pure. It's not full of any unnecessary additives that make it smell, taste, or feel, unlike you me. It comes in a beautiful glass bottle that I'm happy to have on my nightstand, and it's great in most situations.

[00:33:28] However, if you prefer a water-based lube or have some other intimate needs, I recommend Good, Clean Love. They have a variety of great products to help everything in the bedroom goes smoothly, huh.

[00:33:43] They've got some vaginal care kits, some cleaning solutions, oils and candles. It's really great. Now you can find an affiliate link for these at the podcast's website whatexcitesus.com And to be clear, you do help me out when you buy through these links, but I specifically reached out to these companies because I truly love their products and I believe in what they're doing. [00:34:09] So help yourself. Help me help these lovely companies and get better sex with better lube. Go visit the links for UberLube and good Clean Love at whatexcitesus.com

[00:34:23] What other classes are on your grand workshop tour?

[00:34:28] Lady V: Let's talk a little bit about the SPW classes. So I'm doing part of the tour in partnership with Sex Positive World. Jamie's one of my closest friends, and we work well together as like partners in crime. We're going to be teaching one of my favorites, which is sexy intersections, which is all about intersectionality and anti-oppression.

[00:34:50] So let's face it with sex positivity. So often, the current of what sex positivity is, is been mostly driven by a white narrative. A white cis narrative, especially or at least a white gay narrative. And this is all about how to actually make these communities narratives a little bit more diverse and how to make voices a little bit more heard. So a big part of why I love this class is it makes people really reflect and think non defensively about how identities, especially in a sex positive world, intersect with each other and especially like if you're a white cis male... and you're walking to the sex positive club of your choice, how are you thinking about being safe compared to like, a trans woman who is also by herself, who might be a person of color? How are you going to feel safe, comparatively?

[00:35:47] You're not probably going to be as defensive. I know for myself, I'm defensive when I'm by myself at night. all the time. And when I was a cis male, I was like, yeah, I'll walk into any alleyway by myself. that's fine. Like, that's crazy. And it's just such a, dichotomy that people need to understand because especially even when they get within the sex clubs. [00:36:09] There is a whole issue around financial accessibility, about gender accessibility, about why we honestly structure certain things the way that we do, like non gendered pricing, so that way we aren't going through and playing gender police. I'm not here to play gender police with you. I want you to feel comfortable.

[00:36:27] There's so often moments where we don't know someone's racial background. We don't know someone's gender, and we shouldn't be making assumptions about anything. And we should just be making sure that we are making our spaces as antiphobic, anti racist, and honestly, physically accessible for folks who use mobility devices.

[00:36:48] That's 1 of the biggest things that I'm really trying to bring awareness to right now. I used to work in the field of sexuality and intellectual and developmental disabilities before doing sex ed full time, or at least in a non vanilla format. So, so often within sex positive clubs, we overthink or underthink accessibility. Sometimes when we overthink accessibility, we actually get it wrong. I can't tell you how many times I've seen someone put down like a ramp.

[00:37:17] And it's just this really weak ramp that really shouldn't be like, someone can fall off that ramp. It's just this like little flimsy ramp. And it's like, all right, can we spend a few hundred bucks putting this in place and make it a little bit more accessible. And you'll get your money back.

[00:37:32] If you need money and you need to think about money and your goal isn't the people, look at the numbers at least. Go fix your shit and people will see that you're actually there supporting the community. So often it's so difficult to get that idea down to people that these small improvements, whether it's literally putting in a ramp, whether it's, putting in a microphone system that people can hear. These are all just things that we can do. And also, too, making room for people who might have some anxiety. And just understanding where we all kind of come together.

[00:38:07] Gwyn: Yeah, I mean, we're definitely a lot further along than we have been, but there's still plenty of room to grow as far as what we're offering to folks with a variety of ability and disability issues.

[00:38:19] Lady V: Yeah. And sometimes it's offering, if you're like a stair heavy place and there's no elevator, like, that's fine. I get it. At least put on your website clearly. This space is not accessible. This space is steps minimum. But if you have, like, 1 or 2 steps, let's talk about getting you a ramp, sincerely. And if your goal, like, if you don't have this big value ethic system, which I hope you do, eventually you're going to get the number of ticket sales back so you can make up for that ramp or write it off. Right? So, but that's just how I look at it because so often you're dealing with people at such a business level and they're not as ethics minded..

[00:38:54] Gwyn: What else do we want to make sure that we get into the podcast?

[00:38:58] Lady V: So one of the projects I'm currently working on right now with Jamie and Sex Positive World, while we're not going to officially announce anything, but we are working on a little one day convention in hopefully Seattle. We have been focused on this idea of intersectionality, and especially when it comes to sex positivity and especially organizations.

[00:39:21] Our goal really is to create an umbrella approach. Sexuality, and that includes anything under the BDSM sun to anything under the ENM sun and bring it all together. So, at the moment, we're talking about UmbrellaCon, which is a celebration of everything because ultimately sex is great when you go and you take your peanut butter and you take your jelly and then you smash it together and enjoy it all together.

[00:39:49] I do a lot of community building. So, if you noticed on my Fetlife, there's like a 1000 things, like, currently organized. I'm an ADHD person. And if I stop moving, I die. Coming from a production background, being able to program things have been very easy for me, and it helps me know that, okay, people are getting education, people are getting connected, people are maybe even meeting their future partners, and also at the same time, it sometimes pays my bills. Like, that's really cool.

[00:40:21] At the moment, we're currently doing an event and taking it out of Portland and starting to tour it.. The event is called Bite Club, like Fight Club, and it is a pet play and wrestling themed night. And think about it like this, it is a little tournament where people get on the mats and wrestle each other on the mats, and typically whoever has the most interesting flair to their fight, or whoever wins the most fights will win a prize.

[00:40:48] And it is probably probably the most high energy event I've ever been to. So, I do one here in Portland and we're hopefully going to be taking one on the road to Detroit and Seattle and being able to bring it to folks there. Just because it brings out a lot of intersectionality between, um, I feel like there's the pet community, which is pansexual, and then there's the pup community that is typically very like Cisgay, Orienton, and being able to mash them together into one night and being able to see all these communities merge and have a ton of fun. I mean, oh my god, who doesn't love, just seeing a room full of people just scream and shout and yell and, cheer people on. it's unlike anything else.

[00:41:33] Gwyn: That sounds really fun.

[00:41:35] Lady V: Yeah. I honestly do a lot of community building just because so often I see this level of isolation with folks, especially as we get more into the digital age, not to sound so cliche. But I've noticed, when I go to. Example, I'll go to the Eagle, which, for those who don't know, is a leather bar, and I'll see people actively looking for other people on Grindr. When there are people right in front of them, or those same people who are on Grindr are in the same building as them.

[00:42:08] And instead of breaking off our cell phones, we stay so glued to them. And we have this level of disconnect between our virtual selves and our actual real selves. So being able to create events where people can, like, go and be these embodied personas of themselves. And go and actually meet people, and not just.. go on Grindr and hope someone reaches out, but like actively starts that search by doing, whether that's speed dating or going to, a Bite Club or just something giving them an outlet.

[00:42:39] Also, something to make friends. That's a big deal. For so many people, and especially cis men there is such an epidemic of loneliness going on. And it's isolating, and it makes people feel like there's something wrong with them, when there's nothing wrong with them. It's just, they don't have the right outlet. They don't have the outlet that takes them to the place where they actually meet people they connect with. So being able to create places that people are welcomed, that our people are accepted and affirmed, no matter what gender you are, that's really important.

[00:43:12] And especially right now, more than ever, making sure we make everyone feel affirmed, including cis men, really is going to change the direction of where this country goes. This epidemic of loneliness that really is specifically, mostly plaguing cis men really causes, unfortunately, a lot of this red pill, incel behavior. Where they think something's wrong with them, where they think that there's, all these misogynistic ideals, instead of getting people out into the world and allowing them to make friends, potentially actually have lovers.

[00:43:48] Because when you're 28 years old flipping through Tinder, yeah, you're not going to find anyone. Very rarely you do, or it's probably going to be a terrible date, but you might meet the right person or a few right people if you actually go out there and you take that chance. So if I can just change the lives especially of a few cis men from going down that rabbit hole. From looking at the world through this awful lens. That to me means everything, and especially after living my life as a cis man. There's so much of that I relate to.

[00:44:21] So often, cis men, they don't get touched sometimes for years at a time, even just a hug. One of our sons, we realized, he wasn't getting a lot of touch in his life. We did a cuddle party with Sex Positive World, and we were telling both of our sons afterwards about it, one of our sons was like, okay, not really my thing, and then the other one was like, yes, this is what I need.

[00:44:43] And we realized that he hadn't been, touched in like six months. So we actually made it a priority every Friday when he gets home from work to give him a hug. It's important. Just, give people a little, affirmation that they matter, that they're loved, they're valued. And right now, more than ever, people feel lonely. People feel separated. And, there's so much we can do by doing so little. I feel like, whether that's creating a community event where everyone feels affirmed, and especially making your cis men feel good, and I don't mean like, making them feel like, yeah, you're a manly man, but, loving their positive masculinity or just loving them for being men.

[00:45:26] They don't even have to be masculine. You can be a wonderful man and still be in, complete feminine wear and be a cross dresser. And I still love you. In fact, I probably love you a little bit more. Like I said, authenticity rules and that's super sexy. But it's really about making people feel like they matter on this earth and they aren't just another disposable number.

[00:45:48] Gwyn: Yeah, I love your passion for community building. That's really delightful. and needed. Yeah, especially after the pandemic, you know And so many of us like developed agoraphobia where we hadn't had it before or just got deeper into our anxieties That it's a struggle coming out of it. But before then it was already so much isolation and people choosing a side and then sticking with it, even if it was not in their own best interest.

[00:46:19] Lady V: Well, and I think that's the thing too. I think some people feel so heels dug in about some beliefs that we aren't able to really meet in the middle anymore. And that's all I want people to do. And especially coming from a swinging background, I would be in rooms with people who don't agree politically with me. But I was able to meet a mid ground with them and be able to come to an understanding that we're all people and Honestly, sometimes being able and it can be hard.

[00:46:48] I'm not expecting everyone to do this, but being able to help deprogram that misunderstanding, maybe even that hate, can be a powerful thing. And, coming back to Sex Positive Worlds classes and sexy intersections a big part of that really is deprogramming, honestly, and making people just see people for people and not having this big social stigma attached and being like, oh, my God, it's a trans woman.

[00:47:13] And I have to think about their pronouns. No, just treat me like a person. And I'm not looking at you going. Oh, my God, it's cis male there's something so inherently wrong with you. I don't see that. I see everyone is individually themselves and we're all a little bit broken and we're all a little bit fucked up, but we're all beautiful.

[00:47:30] Gwyn: Yes, there's so much, I mean, that's a big part of why I do this podcast is to help demonstrate to people that, However you manifest in the world in terms of your sex and sexuality and sexual expression is okay. And if I can show you that there's somebody else who does this thing that you were like, Oh, that, that's a little too much. Oh, wait, they do that thing. I'm not the only one? That it will help foster personal growth and reduction of shame because shame is so powerful and is so useless in our society. We, we are no longer in the world where, if you're ostracized from your family and your valley that you're going to die. Which is why shame mattered. In my opinion. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't anymore, you can just go to a different community if this community doesn't like you,

[00:48:25] Lady V: That's the beautiful thing about authenticity and like, being able to be the weirdo that other people want to be, basically. Um, Is it okay if we talk about one last thing before we wrap up? Of course.

[00:48:37] Yeah, I just want to talk a little bit more about professional domination and just some stuff behind it and just the love of cis men. So, With professional domination recently, like I had kind of done it like on and off for a few years.

[00:48:49] It's actually how I escaped Detroit. Didn't know exactly what I was doing. And I just kind of find people and grinder. And, now I'm luckily older and have all these amazing people who have mentored me and my mistress has kind of allowed me to inherit her dungeon. It's really made me appreciate the space that I'm currently holding specifically for cis men. Because so often the cis men that come to me, are in the lifestyle actually, who need that safe place. To be able to unpack their shit that are like, Hey, you know, I can't do this with my partner.

[00:49:22] Can I come to you and walk through this? And so often there's so much shame I was recently talking to a submissive and they were talking about how they got shamed for doing a scene with someone and there was a little stuff on the end of a dildo, as 1 does sometimes and they just got shamed.

[00:49:44] I how and just felt awful and, like, never, went back to that person. And I was like look, it's biology, you're a person, I'm gonna treat you like a bitch in this scene, for sure, I'm gonna be a total bitch to you, but you're gonna love it, I'm not actually gonna treat you to the point of shit, like, that when you're outside of this, and you leave this session, that you're gonna feel bad about yourself, and that you're gonna feel shame.

[00:50:08] I want you to leave feeling a high. I want you to feel a wow or a safety net. Whether that's, you going, Oh, that was the adrenaline or release I needed or going, wow, that was really validating. So often I am the first stop for people in cross dressing, or at least cross dressing in front of someone else. Or doing ABDL, and I want that person to feel safe, to not feel shame. It's okay to feel a little humiliated. But I don't want you to feel real shame when you leave this place. I want you to feel empowered and go, okay, these are my fetishes and I'm going to enjoy them.

[00:50:43] While of course, de stigmatizing something to death takes the taboo and fetishism out of it. I don't want someone to walk away going, I'm actually, a weak man or I'm weaker for enjoying ABDL. I want people to find strengths in their vulnerability. And especially submission. Do you know how, like, open you have to be to give yourself, to someone, even if it's for, 60 minutes? That's 60 minutes of getting real and raw and allowing someone to not just physically touch you, but sometimes emotionally and spiritually touch you.

[00:51:17] And in today's age where men are isolated and shamed and even small things like foot fetishes are still, like, shameful. Fuck that! I don't want people to live in shame, and especially, I see so many of these men who, unfortunately, live this very isolated life, who don't have friends, except for, like, maybe on, games.

[00:51:39] That's their only outlet for friends. That's their only outlet, is, the people who are in their, direct life, which is typically family, work people, and then maybe, a few friends online, if they're lucky, or through work. They don't get to be real. They don't get to be authentic. This is a space to be authentic, to be real, to feel for a second that you matter, even if it's thinly veiled through me treating you like shit and telling you that you're a dog.

[00:52:06] it's a very funny dichotomy and you're really playing something that's very crucial for these people that are really life changing. It's not something that to be taken lightly. And especially like, if you don't feel that passion for it, don't do it. people will feel that and will feel a little bit cheated. And that's not to shame anyone doing this, that who's doing it as survival sex work. But so often when I talk to people about doing pro domination, They go, oh, that's such quick cash grab.

[00:52:32] Fuck, no. It is dealing with real trauma. It is also, by the way, just saying, wearing a corset all day, typically, being in full makeup, prepping your place, dealing with biological materials, like so many different things. And also, most of all, being able to make sure that you're attuned, that you can hold space for that person, that you've cleared your brain and your mind and your schedule for that person.

[00:52:56] Um,. Honestly, don't get me wrong, I love what I do, and it's nice to support myself and my family doing what I do. Being able to actually affect change, and affect change for someone to feel okay, to feel for a second, dare I say, loved? Cared about? For just a second in a society that really, has a lot of weird tension with men right now. And to a degree, rightfully so, and to a degree, a lot of it is very much snap judgment. And a lot of these people, a lot of these men, just need a space to unpack their shit. To have connection, to have touch.

[00:53:33] Well, as a trans woman, especially so many people come to me specifically because they're like, oh, it's a taboo because you're trans. And so many of them are like, you know. trepidatious because they're like, Oh, you're the first trans woman I've ever met. [00:53:44] And guess what? I can actually leave a good lasting impression with these people, too. And it deprograms any future fear, any future hate that they might have. While, granted, no one wants to be chased, no one likes a chaser, but I do appreciate someone who goes, Hey, I think I want to see you because I'm an admirer.

[00:54:03] Cool. So often, these admirers come to me and they go, is it okay to like trans women? Like, you know, you're trans, like, does it make me gay? And it's like, no. You're attracted to femininity. Doesn't matter if you are on the spectrum of heteroflex either, too. Like, throw all that out the window. There's a beautiful woman with gorgeous legs right in front of you. Enjoy this moment and they go, yeah, you're right. And it just changes everything for them because there's no longer that label that held them back. That made them say, I must be this way because society has to put me in the man box. I don't want to see anyone suffer inside the man box.

[00:54:40] The man box is a horrible place to be. It's limiting. You won't ever get to live the life that you want masculinity is bad. I love me some positive masculinity, and that's to be celebrated, but there's so much that we put on our men to say things like, boys don't cry, say that men have to be tough, say that, men can't be submissive, that men have to be dominant. No, not at all. Some of the best men in my life, honestly, are submissive men, who are very open emotionally. That understand themselves, that have no shame, that are beautifully authentic and are good role models for other men.

[00:55:27] So domination has a lot of perks to it. But the one that I think that I enjoy the most is honestly the people and being able to, whether that's literally give them an ounce of touch for the first time in a few years, or being able to actually touch their souls for a second.

[00:55:43] it really means the world to me to be able to just give someone that.

[00:55:46] Gwyn: Yeah, that's really lovely. And I'm so grateful that you're in the world and you're doing the work that you're doing. Yeah. And there's so much work that needs to be done. So it's really delightful to, meet another person who does it with such heart and, is really coming at it in this aware space I like to end my podcast by asking specifically, Lady V, what excites you?

[00:56:13] Lady V: Honestly. Meeting new people. People are the spice of life and being able to try different foods and varieties and even if it's just for five minutes and I get to hear about your weird life stories about, I don't know how you've did all this weird kinky stuff, but you found joy in it. That, that to me really excites me.

[00:56:33] And also big mean daddy doms as well. That really excites me as well. A lot, a lot, a lot. [00:56:41] Gwyn: That's super fun. I love that.

[00:56:52] Wasn't that fantastic? If you want more Lady V in your life, go to her website LadyVivus. com. That's L A D Y V I V U S dot com. Or you can follow her on FetLife at Lady underscore Vivus . And don't worry about remembering how to spell things if you are in a place where you can't go look it up now. All of the information is in the show notes which you can find by looking at the episode in the app that you are using to listen to me right now, or by going to the website at whatexcitesus. com. There, you can also talk back to me and tell me directly what you think of the episode. You can listen to past shows, you can buy me a coffee, or join the Patreon.

[00:57:40] Which, by the way, is where I post most of the unfiltered, unedited conversations I have with my guests, and all the bonus content. But! If you would do me just one favor, just one, and it's even free, it's a free favor. If you could recommend What Excites Us to one of your podcast-listening friends, that would be truly amazing.

[00:58:04] Because I believe the more that we share our sex positivity with the world, the more that we can help heal the world. And right now, oy, the world needs more joy than ever, right? Thank you so much. I love and appreciate you. You are awesome.

[00:58:21] And now I just need to tell y'all that What Excites Us is produced, edited, and hosted by me. I'm Gwyn Isaacs. Our podcast host is Tickle. Life. All the music is used under the Creative Commons Attribution License. The opening song is The Vendetta by Stefan Kartenberg, and this is Quando by Julius H.

[00:58:42] I hope you have a fantastic day.