What Excites Us!

Episode :

Transcript:

[00:00:00] Gwyn: This podcast is about sex and sexuality, so please only listen if you are an adult without kids or other ears around that cannot, or do not consent to sensitive language and content. Thanks.

Hello and welcome to What Excites Us, the podcast that discusses sex and sexuality through a lens of acceptance and healing throughout time and space, including the here and now. I'm Gwyn Isaacs a sex coach and educator who wants everyone to know that even if you could benefit from learning how to love yourself you are still okay and You can get better My guest Valerie Schrader is one example of this potential having grown up in a trauma laden environment with a narcissistic mom she's now helping others as a generational trauma coach sex educator and earth witch For over two decades she has been doing somatic experiencing childhood trauma integration through practices like IFS parts work somatic movement and embodiment work EFT meditation Breath work and intuitive guidance She supported thousands of women AFAB folks and couples in that time She's also spoken at dozens of events about healing mother wounds generational trauma sacred sexuality and her own experiences being a former sex worker business baddie and practicing witch her flagship program Pleasure Healing Brings a special edge because she believes we are all capable of holding the dualities of science and mystical practices while working with the mind body and spirit.

A couple of quick things before we get into it I had to cut for time the part where we go into quite a bit of detail about Valerie's childhood and upbringing You can hear that on the show's Patreon page which is easiest found by going to whatexcitesus.com The other thing is a personal favor to ask. Would you please take a moment to rate and review the show? It really, really, really does help in getting the word out there. I read all of them and I just might thank you in an episode if you do, and now on with the show.

Hi Valerie. Welcome to What Excites Us. I'm so excited to have you here and have this conversation.

[00:02:43] Valerie: Thank you for having me here, Gwen. I'm so excited to talk and just kinda see where the conversation goes.

[00:02:51] Gwyn: I was looking at your website and wow, is that powerful and I love the offerings that you have. But before we get to that, why don't we start with who are you? Where did you come from? How did you get here? You know, a few small things.

[00:03:08] Valerie: Short story. So for those of you listening, I know you got a little about me at the beginning, but I am a generational trauma coach slash sex educator. I'm also a practicing witch, which just, you know, feels right to put all together. I grew up in the Midwest to an immigrant dad and a narcissistic mom. And that made for great times. It was a really super happy, easy childhood. Never had anything go wrong. Have absolutely no trauma except the CPT diagnosis that I have.

[00:03:47] Gwyn: Easy peasy.

[00:03:48] Valerie: Super easy um, no, but I, went through tons of stuff. I also had just other traumas that I went through growing up that pretty much all came from my experiences growing up with a mom like that and just how that played into what I believed about myself, the types of people that I surrounded myself with because I had become accustomed to being around dangerous and chaotic people. And, you know, one narcissist is never enough. You gotta get a few of those in your lifetime just to really round it out before you do anything about the the patterns that you create. But throughout this I've also, I went to college for psych and women's gender and sexuality. Got more than enough certifications and somatic trauma work, intergenerational trauma work, sex love and relationship work. And just as I was kind of going through life, I was already working with people because I've been teaching central movement and embodiment work for over two decades and was a former stripper. So all of that kind of culminated together to have this moment of looking at what I was doing with my life and realizing like, I have all of this education, I have all of this knowledge, I have all of this wisdom, and I have this deep desire to help people. And I'm kind of doing it already, but I wanna go further forward with it. So I opened my coaching business and I was doing it out of my other business for a while, and then it just kind of got to the point where I was like, I don't want to do the other business anymore. It's not satisfying me.

The help that I am offering people, that satisfies me way more. And it was what I always wanted to do. But again, there's that self-belief issue but I kind of had to challenge myself even with the amount of work that I had done to be like, but you're already doing it, so just fucking do it. Go for it. Right. And so now that's literally all I do. I work mostly with women and Afab people, but I literally work with women that are like me, afab, people that are like me, that grew up with emotionally immature, narcissistic parents. And they're still struggling. You know, maybe they've been to therapy. A lot of my clients have, A lot of my clients are actually also therapists that they don't know somatic work and. No dis to talk therapy because I think it has its place. But I find when we go through these deeper traumas, so much is held in our bodies that we need to work with both approaches. And that's what I've been doing for years now, and I see so many people moving through issues faster. You know, relationship issues, issues with intimacy, issues with money in business. That's always the one that shocks the shit out of people. I'm like, oh, you really don't think that your belief that you're not good enough is affecting your ability to earn money and have a career that you want. No, that, that is a direct effect there, trust me. And we will find our way to that wound. So yeah, that's a little synopsis of how I got to where I am now. Again, everything's lite n easy. Nothing went wrong at all.

[00:07:11] Gwyn: You used the word somatics a lot, which is becoming a buzzword, which I disagree with, but the reason it's becoming a buzzword is because it's useful. So I don't know that a lot of people really understand all that it can encompass and what it can do. so what are somatics and how are people using them therapeutically?

[00:07:35] Valerie: So this is this fun stuff for me cuz this is when I get to nerd out even more

[00:07:39] Gwyn: Yay.

[00:07:42] Valerie: I'm quite the nerd. So somatic therapy, somatic experiencing it is an umbrella term and what it essentially means is you are using a body mind approach to healing, to working with yourself. When we think of like cognitive behavioral therapy or like talk therapy works, we kind of work from a top down approach where you are addressing the mind. You are basically putting out there, here's all the facts of what I've experienced. Here's my interpretation of that, an opinion of that. And then, you know, you get asked like, how does that make you feel? Or whatever. It's not a dis, although if you're my client, like I'm sure when this comes out, a few of my clients are gonna listen to like, she fucking hates talk therapy, like I do. And again, I know for some people if they're looking for a place where they can go to processes and talk through the struggles that they're dealing with, it's great for that. But I find for those of us that have much deeper rooted traumas, the approach of looking at the body and asking, okay. So I feel this weird discomfort in my belly, or for me, like all of this shit sits in my chest. Like I feel very anxious in my chest. I feel like my heart is racing and like, there's somebody's like taking around my heart and they're like squeezing it and triggering it.

And it's for me, because I do IFS work, which is one of the methods, then my, answer to that is like, all right, if it feels safe, let's breathe into that. When you feel into that constriction in your chest, where is it coming from? You know, close your eyes and feel it, and then just trust, like the first thing that comes to you to say, where's it coming from? I'm remembering a time when I was five years old and my mom yelled at me and told me I was too fat to wear that dress. You know, like stuff like that'll come up and all of a sudden what you have is a lifeline to figure out why that physical pain is showing up in your body, why that discomfort is showing up in your body to get where you wanna get. Now you have other methods. A lot of us hear more about EMDR. So that tapping motion and that sudden eye movement motion where you are essentially going into understanding a traumatic situation or a pattern that's showing up in your life, right? Like, why do I always keep dating narcissistic partners? Well, I mean, the answer is, was one of your parents or both? A narcissist. Well, there you go. But like, we have to understand why we specifically held onto to that. So then we can do things like EMDR. Use things like sensory motor processing.

So noticing like, well, when you talk about like your money issues, I know that your body does this. Why does it do this? Why does it hunch forward? And then what would happen if you opened it up? How would you feel about this? How would that make you act as a person? Right. That's one of the other things. Yogic traditions and I, I'm, I'm just gonna say this now because I am also a huge activist. I am not talking about whitewashed yoga. I am talking about the traditional practice of yoga that connects the mind in the body, understanding the limitations within the body and understanding how that shows up on a mind and soul level, right. As you're doing the movement or other movements. Like I still do courses where I use sensual movement as a way to kind of move things through the body because what we really understand about the body and the mind is that they are all connected, right? Like we have a vagus nerve that is essentially the main nerve that runs from our brain to every single organ in our body. And they send information goes back and forth between those organs and your brain all freaking day long, every day. What's going on there is, the body when it feels like that tension that, you know, that gut reaction of tightening up and it's like, I'm uncomfortable, I don't feel good, and it sends it up to the brain, then brain's like, we should run, we should run right now. Right?

So if all we're doing is talking about that, we're not moving through it, we're not doing anything with that. But then when we like, okay, so the gut is feeling this way. So do we need to feel into that? Do we need to explore that? Do we need to physically move the body dance, shake, tap into the senses, right? All of a sudden now we have some really great answers of how to not just understand what's going on, but process it and release it from the body. It's really amazing and it's really amazing to watch, how quickly that process can happen versus spending years just talking about, this is the shit that happened to me. I know what happened to me. I can talk about that till I'm blue in the face, but can you please help me stop experiencing this? That's what Somatics does there.

[00:12:59] Gwyn: Brilliant! Yeah. That piece about talking about it versus what I heard is feeling it. Because yeah, when we talk about things, we end up sort of, especially when we talk about something a lot, building it its own little box in our brain or wherever it is that we store things, and then we can go and look at the box and we can open the box and, and play with what's inside, but then we just end up putting it all back together in the box and tucking it away in the shelf.

[00:13:25] Valerie: Yeah. It just sits there until your next therapy session or, or not, because then you're like, okay, well this is a thing I keep experiencing, whatever.

[00:13:34] Gwyn: Right. Versus the moving through it. Which reminds me of nature documentaries, right? where a gazelle almost gets killed, but then doesn't, and then sits there and shakes for, a minute on our TV screens, but it's probably like a good hour or so, but then gets up and walks away and that gazelle still has the trauma, the memory of being almost dead, but can still function in a gazelle like manner.

[00:14:02] Valerie: And that's what I, I actually use that analogy with clients all the time, and I was like, because as mammals it is our biological response to somehow move things through us. Sometimes it is through physical shaking. Sometimes it's through tears, right? We've researched the function of crying and with children, we tested and realized like, oh, those tears release stress hormones. So when you deny yourself the experience of crying, of shaking, of moving your body, you are literally denying yourself your natural biological responses that every mammal in the world has to help move through things. And, and what's important to understand is that trauma can be anything, and trauma is not the actual moment. It is the emotion and memory of the moment and whether or not you are dealing with that. That's how it gets stuck in us. That's how it becomes long-term trauma. Versus like an acute moment, and that's how it just keeps festering and adding, and adding and adding to itself.

[00:15:06] Gwyn: Right. That's how we end up with those of us, so many of us who have complex PTSD because most of us are children as it happens, we don't have an education. We don't know how to cope with the things that are happening. So we build our little boxes. And then as an adult, we are dealing with small traumas all day long. Most of us, you know, like if you live in a city, just getting to work could be traumatic and not, you know, a giant trauma like somebody who's trying to kill you, but still, getting pushed on the subway or all of the little things. And then we never deal with any of that. So it just adds to the layers and layers and layers that you then have to cope with to get to the big stuff.

[00:15:52] Valerie: If you are in the US right now, look at everything we're experiencing. It is overwhelming and for some people it has always been overwhelming and dangerous. We just now other people, more privileged people, we are now aware of it, but now we are like, I don't know how to fucking deal with this. Yeah, exactly. It's all day every day,

[00:16:16] Gwyn: Yeah. I mean, people of color, of course all day, every day for their entire lives. Queer people, lots of neuro spicy people. Like, yeah, it's woo [

00:16:27] Valerie: it's constant.

[00:16:29] Gwyn Isaacs: you know, frequently when I tell people what I do for a living, they ask for a hot sex tip. So what I say, not really knowing them or any of their situations is that most sexual issues can be helped with more and better conversation, or lube or both. Now, conversation is really on you, although I can help you if you'd like me to. I do that as a coach. But when it comes to lube, there are two brands that I always reach for first. Uberlube is my go-to silicone lube. It's pure. It's not full of any unnecessary additives that make it smell, taste, or feel, unlike you me. It comes in a beautiful glass bottle that I'm happy to have on my nightstand, and it's great in most situations. However, if you prefer a water-based lube or have some other intimate needs, I recommend Good, Clean Love. They have a variety of great products to help everything in the bedroom goes smoothly, huh. They've got some vaginal care kits, some cleaning solutions, oils and candles. It's really great. Now you can find an affiliate link for these at the podcast's website whatexcitesus.com And to be clear, you do help me out when you buy through these links, but I specifically reached out to these companies because I truly love their products and I believe in what they're doing. So help yourself. Help me help these lovely companies and get better sex with better lube. Go visit the links for UberLube and good Clean Love at whatexcitesus.com

[00:18:18] Gwyn: So how did you veer towards sexuality and, and you mentioned sacred sexuality, which I put in two different boxes, so tell me the stories.

[00:18:30] Valerie: Also a wild story. So as I said, I was also a sex worker. I was a stripper. When I was growing up, my dad and my grandmother on my dad's side, they really lean toward Buddhism, Hinduism, like those Eastern religions. And I think it's because there is something more, there's more depth there that I've found. And it's not from this very repressive place. I mean, there's obviously issues within each religious system, but you know, obviously Judeo-Christian and religions it's so much about repression and I grew up in that environment. And I got these really mixed messages because on my mom's side, relationships were dangerous and violent. That's what I witnessed in my home. And then while my dad, he wasn't in relationships, there was always these messages about the connection to the body being this beautiful, spiritual, natural thing. So that was in the background of my mind somewhere. And of course, the more that I healed, that got louder and louder again. And there were these little moments in my life.

And what I think a lot of people don't understand is that it's not like all of us just go around all damn day long living in our trauma. We have these little points where our empowered versions of us like peek out. But then of course, there's these like very wounded parts of us that are like, no, no, no, no, no. Come back in, come back in. That's too much, too much. we're going back over here. But you have this back and forth. So like, I was a sex worker. I did nude modeling and stuff. There were moments where I allowed myself to be comfortable in my body, for my body. And those were very active choices that I made. I was teaching sensual movement for years. And what I noticed is, as I was teaching this and as I was doing it myself, I could see that it wasn't just about, reclaiming the body, saying an F you to patriarchy. Although I'm all, give me that all day long. But it was also, it's like you could see people coming back to themselves, seeing how powerful they were and how oneness, like the oneness that could come from that versus like it all being about this external performance. And what is spirituality, if not this experience of connecting to our soul, connecting to our oneness.

And then how we show up in the world with that more present than I am doing all of these things because I'm told I have to. Because I'm told that that is the way to please people. Right? Or I'm, I'm denying myself things because that helps me fit in. Right? When I was stripping, what really, really solidified that this was gonna be a thing for me is there was a baby trans woman that would come in and I say baby, because she was newly transitioning later in life. But like she was newly transitioning and she didn't have a lot of safe spaces to be, as she put it, where to learn how to be a woman. She'd spent most of her life having to live in a body that wasn't hers. And so what she would come in and do is she would watch us dance and then every so often she would ask for a lap dance. And when she would ask for a lap dance, I was like, well, do you wanna dance? Or like, what do you want here? Because I rarely did lap dances. I just didn't like doing, them guys are creepy.

Um, So I was like a little hesitant there cause I'm like, well, I don't really do them. And she was like, I want you to teach me how you walk like that and how you move like that. Like how do you make your hips do that? And it clicked. And then I was like the nervousness of like, I dunno how, if I know how to fucking explain how I do this, like I just, I kind of am just doing it. But I figured it out. And she would stand there and she's like, I just love the way that you move. She's like, it's like music. And she wanted to experience that because again, she had spent her whole fucking life restricting herself and denying herself and trying to fit herself into this very harsh box. And it wasn't working. And as I started teaching her, and like, there was this moment where I remember asking her if I could put my hands on her hips so that I could guide them in the way that I was moving. And she's like, that feels so weird. But it was that weird good of like, oh, I can do that with my body. My body doesn't have to be in this rigid line anymore. No, fuck that.

It wasn't just the movement though. It was like her soul was blossoming out of herself. Her essence was starting to blossom because it was given permission to breathe. And that for me is sacred sexuality because again, a lot of us that grow up in these environments, we are taught, it's not even just that we're taught things like we're not good enough. We're selfish for wanting anything that we're bad, right? That those core messages that I find a lot of us carry. Then if you add into us being women or afab we're dangerous. We're sinful. Cause I find a lot of families like that. There's also a lot of religious shaming, a lot of that oppressive language and belief around our bodies and sex and everything. And all we're doing at, at that point is teaching people that it's not okay to explore something that is so natural, so innate within themselves as they grow and become an adult. And we're literally just stuffing people down so that they can't connect to themselves. So that's, for me, like what sacred sexuality is about, it is like literally about allowing that natural, primal expression to also be something that is so connected to who you are on a soul level and has nothing to do with anybody else. And of course, like you can practice it with other people, but it's about you first.

[00:24:28] Gwyn: So your wonderful, I presume it's self-guided offering that you have on your page that I didn't write down I feel really bad about. Tell us the name.

[00:24:38] Valerie: So I actually have a few self-guided courses, but my main course, like my foundational course, it's a self-guided course called Pleasure Healing. And it's not necessarily teaching a ton of sacred sexuality yet because I have a follow up course to that. But what you are getting is all of the somatic tools and you are starting to learn to connect with your body. You're starting to learn how to understand yourself. So there's a massive parts work aspect to it, but I'm also taking some of the principles of that and starting to mirror it in. So then when you're ready to move on, there's an addition that you can purchase with it to do this. And I do have courses, like I do have a sacred sexuality based course called Sensual Power that I have an online version for. And it's actually in a group format, so like runs at a specific date, time, all of that good stuff.

But why I really started focusing on this self-work was because, I mean, especially right now, there is a heavy, heavy need for mental healthcare and there's not enough people out there offering it. And I love to do one-on-one work with people, but not everybody can afford that. And not everybody can afford to do bigger, you know, programs with people and things like that. So I wanted to make something that was going to give you the tools to start understanding why you have struggled the way that you have, why you keep having the same beliefs and patterns about yourself showing up and how to start working through that, but in a more pleasurable and more holistic way.

And it's great because I even presented the program to my own therapist. And asked her like, I would really love your opinion on this. She was like, I think you need to give this, like, you need to market this toward a lot of PHPs, which are hospitals that do like, psych hospitals. And she's like, and other psychologists, she's like, I mean obviously we have a conflict of interest here in our practice. But this is also something that we could market and be like, Hey, I know we have you on a waiting list, but this is an amazing program to help you. And I'm not saying like it's completely taking over getting a therapist or a coach that does know how to do this work. But for some people, if you really don't need that and you're not looking for that, it's designed to give you the work. And for some people it's gonna be a really good way to keep you in the work while you are also getting additional support maybe. Because a lot of us, you know, we start off and where we fall through the cracks sometimes of making progress is the in between the sessions, right? If you're only going, like, I mean some people are going once a week, some people are going a couple times a month or once a month, just depending on what they can afford it or do. What I really wanted this to be is something where you could keep coming back to this and it's designed for you to move gently through things and not re-traumatize yourself. But so that you have tools that you can keep using in between because it's, literally the stuff that my clients that do work with me one-on-one, it's what they get and you just get it on your own without having to, pay all of the money that it costs to actually work with somebody one on one.

[00:27:50] Gwyn: And it sounds like there are a lot of people who might be embarrassed to want to reach out to somebody one-on-one and that being able to take these beginning steps towards healing in a somatic but mindful way can do that without the embarrassment of doing it in front of somebody else.

[00:28:11] Valerie: Yes, it is. And that was something I factored in with this too, because I've had those discovery calls where somebody's like gotten up the courage to do that, but then they're nervous. They're really nervous about actually having to talk about everything that they're struggling with and I'll be like this is a program that I think would be great for you though, because it can give you that. And the great thing about it too is within it, I, I do actually have a private community set up. So within the program there's a community page. So if you do wanna share things, if you do wanna like connect with people that have also doing the course or using it, you can, but you don't have to if you really don't want to. It's there if you would choose to use it. But it, it is a nice little piece for anybody that is like, okay, so I'm experiencing this. Has anybody else experienced this when they do this exercise? Oh, me too. Oh my God, I thought I was alone. You can have those little moments there with it. But again, if you are that person that you're like, I was taught that therapy and things like this were weird and unnecessary or whatever, and I just wanna do this in the comfort of my own home with nobody knowing that I'm doing it. Fine. You get to do that.

[00:29:24] Gwyn: Yeah. And it can help folks move to the next step if they feel that they want to take those steps. So it's self-guided. So you've recorded a bunch of information and what, what do people get?

[00:29:38] Valerie: I tend to over-deliver, which is also a trauma response because again, slightly people pleasy behavior. So within it, I have it laid out to where there are five main modules, and within each module you have. Filmed lectures to go over different aspects of what you're doing in different stages. Cause I kind of break healing up into a five module or part process. And it's not like the process is designed to take a certain amount of time. You get to do this at your pace. But the way I see it is first we need to build up resourcing skills. So you have your first module that is literally dedicated to you learning how to work with your body, how to work with your senses, and how to understand how you learn best so that you can figure out what type of resourcing skills are going to help you best. Because that person over there telling you to try posting affirmations all around the house, that may work for them, but maybe you're not a visual learner. Maybe you need to freaking do things physically.

It's designed to teach you how to figure that out and then give you tools. There's tons of guided practices, meditations, there's worksheets and PDFs in there, journal prompts, and also teaching you how to do those things in ways that speak to you. So maybe you're that person that art therapy is gonna be your shit. Or picking up your phone and speaking into a voice recorder to do this process. And then I'm going through each of the other modules. So the next one would be the discovery phase. This is when we're gonna start to dive in and understand. I always feel this tension in my body whenever I try to speak up at work or I try to manage my finances. Okay, I'm gonna now teach you how do you go into that safely and figure out what the fuck is going on in there. Right? So now we're starting to discover where are the core wounds from this? And starting to get to know your parts, because in parts work we have essentially three different roles that they play. So we're gonna start to figure out who's doing what, why are they doing it? And getting to know these parts of you more so that you can start to work with them.

Next phase is integration, where we're literally gonna start going through the process of, on a physical level, figuring out how do we start helping these parts feel safe to come back home to us, right? They're already in you, but how do we feel safe to start to undo these old patterns and start to choose new ones? And then we have the expansion phase. Okay, so now how do we start to build a life? Where we can meet any of the residual resistance coming up. Cuz it's going to come up. It always does. Right? You know you get motivated, you start to work on things a little bit and then all of a sudden that little old wound is like, hi, how you doing? How do you work through that?

And then the final stage is the mastery phase. And the first video in that one. The first thing I say is this is called mastery phase, not because you are perfect at life, it's called mastery because you know the tools, you know your triggers, you know your shit, and you know how to deal with it here. So now we're kind of creating an advanced plan for how you move forward in life. So it's broken up like that. But then within there, again, you get videos, you get PDFs, you get worksheets, you get guided meditations, guided practices, tons of journal prompts. There's book recommendations. And again, all of it is done teaching you how to do this, not just from the way that works for me, but teaching you how to make this work for yourself. That was like the most important thing to me. So again, I kind of went overboard, but I'm okay with that.

[00:33:27] Gwyn: Well, it sounds like really valuable work. I love so much of what you're talking about. The, the idea of starting with how do you learn best is something that is very rarely discussed. And so important because yeah, we are all so vastly different. And yeah, affirmations might work for some folks or even hearing affirmations or posting them around, but for a lot of people they're like meh... And then the self-guided nature of it, because it sounds like it's gonna end up digging up some shit.

[00:34:02] Valerie: Oh yeah,

[00:34:03] Gwyn: And you wanna be able to give yourself the adequate amount of time to deal with it. So personally, I'm on the slower scale of humanity. You know, tortoise and hare I am the tortoise. I mean, it took me a really long time to be okay with that, but I'm okay with that now. And I figured out ways to help balance, but you know, it's frustrating in a group setting where everybody is already three steps ahead. And the overachiever gifted program kid is like, Hey, I wanna be there, but I'm not there yet. And I'm still trying to figure this out. And so not having that pressure on trying to heal, which is already some pressure. Yeah, that, that sounds really, really lovely.

[00:34:50] Valerie: Yeah, it is. And I am team tortoise as well. So that's why I wanted, because I've been in a program where I've literally blown out my nervous system trying to keep up when I'm like, okay, but these people over here are not neuro spicy. They've of course had their own issues, cuz we all have, but like I've got like, big trauma and I can't move at their pace, but I'm trying to make myself, cuz again, like I was taught, like the only way I was gonna get any type of remote praise was by overperforming. So I was like, I don't like that. I don't like that approach. It doesn't work for me and I know it doesn't work for a lot of other people. Having this set up in a way that it's like, I don't care if this takes you five years, 10 years to get through it.

You have the material, do it at the pace that works for you. But the great thing is, is like once you actually start to make that progress and you start understanding yourself more, there may be something. Cuz one thing I've noticed for myself, and I've noticed this with my clients and other people, is that typically when we first start working on ourselves it's because there's a very specific issue that keeps popping up in our life. And then once we move through that one, then we realize like, oh, there's also this other issue, right? But like, once you start to understand how you operate, you can keep using the shit over and over again because it's going to work. You just have to format it slightly differently based on what is coming up for you.

I mean, actually, when I was making this program, I did some research with past clients and asked, hey, when I've put out other offers, like you come to my earth witch circles, whether they're in person or online all the time, and stuff like that, or little, like mini events, but you never sign up for those things. And I'm not, I'm not upset about it. It, it was more of like, I wanna understand why don't you utilize anything more? Because you always refer me to people and say like you've saved my life. All that stuff. They're like, honestly, because I still use what you taught me before. I still just keep coming back to this stuff, and I was like, all right, that's proof that this format works and I just need to set it up in a way to more people can access it and use it. Because most of us, when we get into group situations, or even again sometimes one-on-one, if you don't have a therapist or coach that's really, really cognizant of their own desires and their own internalized pressures it can feel sometimes like you're being pushed forward faster than what you can go, and I don't want that for people.

[00:37:24] Gwyn: Yeah. And thank you for that. And I like that you can take further steps if someone completes this and gets to a place where they wanna move forward, that you have more offerings in that as well. And you mentioned one-on-one, coaching as well?

[00:37:37] Valerie: Yeah, I do that. Very limitedly. One, because one thing I've also learned about myself outside of being like I just move at a slower pace with my CPTSD I know that for me to be very regulated, I am never going to be a person that has like 30 clients. Like to me, the minute I say that my body is like anxiety, anxiety, I keep those spots very limited. And it's not to be elite about it, it is literally because if I try to do more than a certain amount of calls in a week, in a day, I'm not regulating enough. And I'm not keeping my anxiety cuz I, mine tends to show up a lot. Like I show up with a lot of anxiety and then once the anxiety gets too high, then we go into dangerous territory. So for me to monitor myself, cuz yeah, I know I sound like really put together. I am for the most part because I know how I have to live my life in order to manage myself. And for me that is, I have to keep those things limited because I also do invest a lot in my clients. Like we do 90 minute calls, plus I do like 30 minutes of WhatsApp check-in weekly with them and sometimes a little bit more if they need it. I'm very, very involved. I want to be involved, but I know in order to do that, I have to keep that limited.

[00:39:05] Gwyn: Yeah. My anxiety is part of why I prefer text coaching over any, I mean, I, I have clients that I speak with one-on-one. We do phone calls, we do video calls, and every time, even with people who tell me up and down that I'm helping them back and forth, every time I go, oh, I should have phrased that differently. Damnit, I bet they think this, that and the other thing. And I'm like, they probably don't like l logically that's probably not what's happening, but that's not what my brain tells me. And so with texting, I can say, so you want me to teach you how to eat pussy? And then delete that and write. So you're looking to get intimate with your girlfriend? [00:39:54] Valerie: I mean, I personally, if I was your client, like gimme the first approach. I like a bold, but I totally, I totally get You were like analyzing like, how should I have. [00:40:04] Gwyn: Right. [00:40:04] Valerie: Right? Because again, we immediately are going into like, oh my God, they're gonna hate me.

[00:40:09] Gwyn: Yeah, no, that particular instance with the eating pussy was with a woman who was coming out of the promise ring culture and realizing that she was more into women than men. And so we had a lot to uncover and she couldn't even say the word tits.

[00:40:25] Valerie: Okay. So yeah. we gotta go slow, [00:40:29] Gwyn: we're gonna, we're gonna back it up. We're gonna talk about intimacy and, language. And had I said, so you want me to teach you to eat pussy she woulda been like [00:40:42] Valerie: Yeah. That might've been the end of your coaching relationship

[00:40:46] Gwyn: yes, yes.

[00:40:48] Valerie: Not because you're wrong, but because

[00:40:51] Gwyn: Yeah. Cause it's important to meet people where they are and not frighten them. And that's the other thing that I really, really like about the course that you're doing. Well the first course that you encourage folks to get, because it sounds like you really are starting with not only trying to help somebody be where they are, but to even figure out where they are.

[00:41:14] Valerie: Yeah. It is a deep course, and obviously, I'm sure for some of you listening, there's like, this sounds intense. It can get there, obviously, and this can go very, very deep into those core wounds and things like that. But you get to do it at the pace that you want. Because like you do have to just first start on naming things. Just naming and just not freaking out about the naming of the things. Right. Like, and then we can go further as you're ready. But that intro is there to give you that good, good nudge forward. A good start.

[00:41:49] Gwyn: Yeah. it's so hard for us. I'm gonna speak from my own experience. It's so hard for me to remember what it was like to not be able to say the word pussy. Right? It's been decades and I've always been a very overtly sexual person, but there was a time. But remembering that is a challenge. And so being able to meet people where they are, yes, that's crucial, but sometimes we forget that they don't even know where they are yet.

[00:42:18] Valerie: Yeah, so I used to be a professional aerialist and pole dancer, and I would do training courses on teaching and stuff like that. And one of the things that I would bring up a lot when people were getting into the territory of doing more advanced skills, I was like, you have to remember, you've been doing this skill for a very long time, so now what I want you to do is try to imagine back to when you first learned it, what did you need? What language did you need? How did you need to break this down? How did you need to get mentally and emotionally comfortable with attempting this in order to try it? Because you can't just go in and look at a person that has never attempted what you're asking of them. So for those of you that have ever seen like a Cirque du show, imagine one of those big moments where people are on the silks, tumbling through the air. The first time doing that for somebody it is not just a physical game, it is a mental game. It is terrifying. Everything in your body is saying, I don't think this is smart. I think we're gonna die. And you kind of have to be that adrenaline junkie. Like something's not quite right with you person to be like, no, let's do it. Right?

But you have to mentally get there and you have to understand how do you work with that? And then also ensure that person understands the physical mechanics of what is going on. That was something that I'm really grateful for that experience in my life and having that background because it has heavily influenced why I do what I do with my coaching practice. Because that remembering of like, there are certain things like saying the word pussy. I've always been pretty sexually open too, and I have to look back and there are things in my life that I do now that I'm like, what was it like when I didn't do that? And trying to go back to that and remembering people don't start at this place. I had to get here too. I just, I may be a little further removed from it, but I have to try to be mindful of that to see how far back I can get to help people understand what I'm trying to get them to, but in the pace that they're ready for it.

[00:44:33] Gwyn: So before we wrap up, is there anything that we haven't touched on that you wanna be sure to get out there?

[00:44:40] Valerie: I guess the only last thing I wanna say is like, if you're listening to this, and even if this is feeling a lot for you to like kind of face these things, take time to sit with it before you feel like you even need to do anything with it. Because I've had people reach out to me on my own podcast and me, like, that episode, I had to sit with it for like a week because it brought up a lot. I'm like, yeah, it's there to do that, but then it's okay if it really like, you don't feel ready to process anything further with it. Facing things that you may have not have realized, like you resonate with, or like that bring up certain aspects of your own childhood that you're like, oh, I think I have connected some dots here. It's a lot, take your time.

[00:45:26] Gwyn: So what is your podcast?

[00:45:29] Valerie: Mine is called Sensual Power. It is named after my original course that I was teaching in my other business, the Central Power Podcast. And yes, we do talk about things like that, but again, it's really coming from that space of healing, working on facing this shit and why it 's affecting us still so that we can feel more empowered within ourselves.

[00:45:51] Gwyn: What's your website?

[00:45:53] Valerie: Valerie Schrader, nice and simple, and yes, it's spelled exactly like it sounds.

[00:45:59] Gwyn: Perfect. So Valerie, I like to ask one last question, which is what excites you?

[00:46:08] Valerie: This is gonna sound so cliche, but now that y'all know my life story a little bit, we haven't got it into, into everything, but, living. Just the fact that I can enjoy living now. I'm sitting here talking to you, having a great conversation, right? I'm sitting in my bed. There's a beautiful thunderstorm going, I got a fountain going cat curled up. Things like that, like in my life, there was a time where like maybe I would see this, but there was so much underneath it that I couldn't fully appreciate it or appreciate that I've set up my life to be able to do things like this. I've fought that hard for myself that the simplicity of moments like this bring me so much joy. So much joy. And it's taken a lot to get here. But yeah that's it for me.

[00:47:01] Gwyn: That's delightful and an absolutely perfect answer. Not that you need my approval or anything, but

[00:47:08] Valerie: Oh, there's a part of me that's like, thank you.

[00:47:11] Gwyn: Oh, good. Yeah. No, that's real. That's where it's at. So that's really delightful. Thank you so much for being here.

[00:47:22] Valerie: Thank you so much for having me and taking the time to like share what you're doing and what other people are doing with the world. I so appreciate it so much. [

00:47:42] Gwyn: To learn more about Valerie or her programs, you can visit her website at valerieschrader.com or subscribe to her podcast Sensual Power. And this is all in the show notes if you wanna come back and look at it later. If you enjoyed this conversation, please be sure that you are subscribed so that you'll hear all the other great chats that I have here. And if you're interested in talking with me for the show or not, you can visit whatexcitesus.com. If any part of this struck you as interesting or fascinating, I implore you to talk it over with someone. The more conversations we have about these things, the easier it gets for all of us. What Excites Us! Is produced, edited, and hosted by me Gwyn Isaacs our podcast host is Tickle.Life All music is used under the Creative Commons attribution license The opening song is The Vendetta by Stephan Kartenberg and this is Quando by Julius H. Hey thanks for listening. I, you know, I say this to a lot of my friends and people I know, but I'm gonna start saying it to you. I love you.