What Excites Us!

Episode 57: From Monogamy to Polyamory to Celibacy: A Journey with Jay House

We talked about these Programs:

-Mama Gena - https://mamagenas.com/
-Kasia Urbaniak - https://www.kasiaurbaniak.com/
-Shamanic Kink - https://www.shamanickink.com/
-Jay was talking about the Professionals Training program that Barbara Carrellas, the author of -Urban Tantra runs - https://barbaracarrellas.com/
-Om Rupani - https://www.omrupani.com/
-The Five Personality Types by Stephen Kessler - https://the5personalitypatterns.com/

If you are interested in supporting the podcast and picking up a book or two please use these links:

• Mama Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men
  - Regena Thomashauer - https://amzn.to/47pJyk2

• Mama Gena's Marriage Manual: Stop Being a Good Wife, Start Being a Sister Goddess!
  - Regena Thomashauer - https://amzn.to/4d4EJxJ

• Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World (How to Use the Power of Pleasure)
  - Regena Thomashauer - https://amzn.to/3B5QwP6

• Unbound: A Woman's Guide to Power
  - Kasia Urbaniak - https://amzn.to/3AWIEiD

• Summer Love School: A Liberation Manual
  - Kasia Urbaniak - https://amzn.to/3ZomoZm

• Urban Tantra, Second Edition: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century
  - Barbara Carrellas - https://amzn.to/3AXSvEU

• Luxurious Loving: Tantric Inspirations for Passion and Pleasure
  - Barbara Carrellas - https://amzn.to/3ZooEjl

• Prerequisites to Ecstasy: A No-Nonsense Guide to What It Really Takes to Create the Love and Sex We Say We Want
  - Om Rupani - https://amzn.to/4en6liv

• The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity
  - Stephen Kessler - https://amzn.to/4d4UoNl

Transcript:

[00:00:00] Gwyn: This podcast is about sex and sexuality, so please only listen if you are an adult without kids or other ears around that cannot, or do not consent to sensitive language and content. Thanks.

Have you ever wondered how identifying your true desires could actually transform your life? Join us as my friend Jay House recounts her personal journey of breaking away from traditional labels. Evolving from a straight monogamous woman to exploring her identity as polyamorous ethically non-monogamous and kinky.

Welcome to What Excites Us. My name is Gwyn Isaacs, and this is the podcast that shares a variety of perspectives from people who are professional sexperts and not. So that you will know that you are not alone in your desires interests and expressions. And to know that all of those things are okay. I am a sex coach and educator who has been working professionally with folks since 2017. You can learn more about me or working with me at whatexcitesus.com.

In this episode, we dive into the world of non romantic, intimate spiritual partnerships and limited vocabulary that we have to describe these unique connections. We ponder the complexities of such bonds. And the six month celibacy experiment Jay is on at this moment. Aimed at achieving emotional and nervous system sobriety. Jay talks about setting clear boundaries to ensure a focused introspective journey while engaging in some kink scenes. Offering a nuanced perspective on self exploration and personal growth.

But before we go any further, I have a big favor to ask. Besides being sure that you were subscribed, could you please take a minute and rate and review this podcast wherever you listen, especially if you are an Apple or Spotify user. It is actually the best way you can help grow this show and audience and message. And it's free. It just takes a moment of your time. I would really, really, really appreciate it. You can go to whatexcitesus.com. There's a link there that we'll send you to all of the right places. As well as a bunch of other stuff that you can do, like send me a message or listen to past shows.

Let me tell you a little bit about Jay before we get started. Jay house, she, her, studies and writes on the intersection of spirituality, sexuality, healing, social justice and the arts. She is a successful grant writer who serves several New York city-based arts organizations. She's also the mom to an amazing teen. She is a cultural omnivore and is fascinated by esoteric wisdom and is learning more about how groups of people can work together to make the world a better place. And I'm delighted to call her my friend. So please enjoy the show. Welcome to What Excites Us my friend Jay House is here hanging out with me, literally hanging out with me. Hi, Jay.

[00:03:23] Jay House: Hi, Gwyn.

[00:03:27] Gwyn: It's so cool that you decided to come and do this with me. I'm really, like, this is going to be super fun, I think.

[00:03:33] Jay House: Yeah, I'm excited about it, too. I've never done anything like this, and already it's, it's fun.

[00:03:39] Gwyn: Yeah. Oh, good. I mean, it's hectic, and, and there's been many a mishap, but here we are, and that's good. So the theme of my show is sex and sexuality and basically anything adjacent.

[00:03:55] Jay House: Terrific.

[00:03:56] Gwyn: Yeah.

[00:03:57] Jay House: So that sounds great.

[00:03:59] Gwyn: So can I ask you random things?

[00:04:01] Jay House: Yes.

[00:04:02] Gwyn: I want to know we've talked a little bit about this before, but you did the Mama Gina program. And I would, I would love to hear more about that because I'm fascinated by that. I have not done it.

[00:04:14] Jay House: Okay. Yeah. Um, so yes, I did Mastery, Mama Gina's Mastery program. And I don't believe she's doing it any longer. She's probably still doing some other programs. Um, but that's the name of the one that I did.

I did it in 2015, and Hmm. It, ah, it was, it was a, it's an initiatory kind of experience. It really started the, this journey that I've been on. in in a big way. Um, and it was, it involved several in person weekends with 300 women. in person. I mean, this is before COVID, but still it was intense.

[00:05:05] Gwyn: That's a lot!

[00:05:06] Jay House: And even like the production crew was all female and everybody, all the volunteers were female. Everybody was a woman and Mama Gina takes people through this arc. And I, I mean, I kind of don't want to describe exactly what it is because. Well, I think I'm contractually not supposed to partially from having signed some participation agreement, but it's also described in her book, Pussy. Um, so I definitely recommend checking that out.

But one of the main things I got from that program was I began to understand my own desires and, not strictly speaking sexual desire, which is how we usually, what we think normally when we hear the word desire. But, any desire at all, where do I most want to go on vacation, or what is my favorite perfume, or whatever. I had had this uncomfortable experience a few years prior where I basically just was confronted with the fact that I didn't know what I wanted.

I'd gotten married, I had a child, I'd wanted a child forever, and I had a child, and I Um, my child's fabulous and I adore them. And also I, I mean, I had that common experience that I think a lot of people do of like, okay, now I got the thing that I wanted and now what? Like now what is this, is this all there is? Like, and, so being confronted with not being able to answer questions about what do you want made me really uncomfortable.

It made me really. I felt bad about myself because I felt like I should, I'm an, I'm a grownup, I should know what I want. And then almost like, I forgot to plan. I forgot to figure out like, what do I actually want? So doing that program really began to get me in touch with figuring out what I wanted, what I want.

[00:07:04] Gwyn: Yeah.

[00:07:04] Jay House: Yeah.

[00:07:05] Gwyn: That's what I was wondering if that was the thing that helped you that propelled you towards the path that you are on now?

[00:07:14] Jay House: Yes, and. There was also a really significant breakup that took place during, well, that program was happening. And that relationship had been It had been important, part, I mean, one thing that was important about it was that it was the first time I really felt like I, had a great sexual connection and a great love connection.

In the past had had one or the other, but not both together in the same person. And so when this ended, it was really devastating. And I was, I believe I was 43. And there had not that long before been this statistic released about how women over 40 are more likely to be struck by lightning than to be remarried. And at this time I was also still very clearly in the I want to get remarried paradigm.

[00:08:07] Gwyn: mmm, So did you identify as straight monogamous at that point in your life?

[00:08:15] Jay House: Yeah.

[00:08:22] Gwyn: Okay.

[00:08:23] Jay House: I don't think I had figured out that there was another way yet.

[00:08:28] Gwyn: Gotcha. And so the reason I asked is I want to know how you identify now.

[00:08:33] Jay House: Okay. Now, I definitely struggle with labels and so things, things can shift, but, um, I am a cis woman. I consider myself primarily androsexual. Like, I tend to be attracted to men and masculine people, um, and I have curiosity about women.

I'll pause there because I'm just doing labels right now. Um, absolutely polyamorous, ethically non monogamous, possibly relationship anarchist. And, I'm absolutely kinky and I have a very strong dominant aspect. But I also have a very strong submissive aspect, and the truth is I'm actually trying to figure out what that looks like now in relationship.

I mean, that's the honest truth and I think probably it looks like different labels in different relationships. And multiple relationships with different Yeah, different agreements, essentially. Different agreements and different kinds of relationships.

[00:09:44] Gwyn: That makes sense. Can I ask about what relationships you have now?

[00:09:49] Jay House: Yeah, so today I have, oh goodness, well today I have, um, I mean the most sort of stable relationship. Okay, first of all, relationships encompass a lot of things. So there's friendship and all these other relationships.

[00:10:09] Gwyn: Thank you. I appreciate that.

[00:10:10] Jay House: Yeah. So like, I'm not going to mention familial relationships, right? Like there are those and, and friends and like, but the ones that are in the realm of, something sexual, romantic or intimate in some way. I have a submissive, a man who is submissive to me. He does not live near me. So, you know, it's a long distance relationship.

We have contact every day and we visit sometimes and it's less than a year old. And, I am definitely still figuring it out. And it's the first time that I've had a relationship where I'm the dominant 24 seven and I'm in charge. And, and it's completely consensual. He very much wants to be led by a strong woman.

And you know, he feels it very deeply in his heart and his soul. And, yeah, it's, teaching me a lot and, yeah, it's humbling. Actually. Um, I have a dear friend who is, not a romantic partner, but is possibly a spiritual partner, uh, and is a collaborator on spiritual projects or educational projects or something at the intersection of that, of those areas.

And that's a person that, um, where I'm able to explore. different kinds of love that go beyond what I used to think of as friendship love. It's very hard to describe because I feel like there isn't a lot of language for love. And when I start to talk about it, inevitably people start saying, well, there's agape, and there's filios.

And, um, you know, all these, yeah, yes, yes, and in today's society, the only love, the two main loves that I got primed for were romantic love with a single monogamous partner. And, family love and mostly child love. As a woman, I feel like I was taught like I'm going to get love, motherly love, and I'm going to give motherly love.

And beyond that, there just isn't a vocabulary or a framework. So in this relationship, this sort of intimate spiritual friendship, there's actually space to explore something outside of romance that is still intimate and still very important.

Otherwise, I have many friends that I have different kinds of intimacies with that are episodic or long distance. But in certain ways, I consider myself unpartnered. And in single, that was a really long answer.

[00:13:03] Gwyn: Perfect.

[00:13:04] Jay House: Excellent.

[00:13:05] Gwyn: So, when we were out wandering around earlier today, you told me that you have embarked. on a celibacy container

[00:13:13] Jay House: yes. Yes.

[00:13:14] Gwyn: Tell me more.

[00:13:16] Jay House: Yes. So, yeah, I'm, I am just a few weeks into, yeah, what I'm calling, well, I'm calling it the Celibacy Container or the Celibacy Experiment. And as of right now, it's a six month container. So it'll go through, Basically around Samhain November 1st. Which I like that time of year, and there's, there's significance to that time of year. And, and then also I reserve the right to extend it, of course, if I so choose.

Um, the main focus is to explore my own emotional and nervous system sobriety and to really try to learn how, how my body responds, my body, my actual body. When I feel different emotional sensations, different emotions, and especially those connected to sex and romance.

And I've essentially decided that I like the cell part of celibacy, that it's, it's about myself as the singular unit and understanding myself. And I, you know, I imagine that energy running up and down my core, right? And lots of spiritual traditions talk about that. So I just imagine like, we want to be unified, right? Like we want to be centered. That's what all those things mean.

It's like that we want to actually have a strong alignment in our posture, like physically and energetically and probably biochemically also. I I think we're seeing more and more of that come out of what we're learning about trauma, et cetera, et cetera, right now.

So it came about because I was in this sort of relationship experiment with this friend where I was actually getting to feel some of the feelings of falling in love, of infatuation, of Uh, limerence. And investigate them while still maintaining the friendship container. So being able to actually process it with this friend as it's happening, and they are allegedly the subject of it. And they didn't back away.

Okay, so I've been aware of how my nervous system runs in these situations. And how in this experiment with this person, I was able to notice the sensation of losing myself. Which I think is familiar to a lot of people. A lot of people. And I know a lot of women, but I don't think it's only women. You know, it's a sort of, it's probably codependent. It's whatever. There's all kinds of pop psychology ways to describe it. But. Yeah, so the celibacy experiment is a way to take control of my own body, my own nervous system and see what happens and experiment.

Also, it gives me the opportunity. I mean, in a way it's like a, like a whole 30, you know, like a detox where then I can add back. I hadn't thought of that till just now, but, um, yeah, I can, I can see that that it sets the space for running experiments essentially.

[00:16:36] Gwyn: First of all, that's awesome. I'm so psyched, delighted, inspired. It's cool, like, yeah, I think that's super cool.

[00:16:45] Jay House: Thank you.

[00:16:46] Gwyn: Um, sure, not that you need my approval or anything, but you know, I do want to acknowledge that. But tell me more about, so self pleasure is on the table.

[00:16:55] Jay House: Yep, yes.

[00:16:57] Gwyn: And then, but you're still doing scenes, kink scenes, which I am fully aware that kink does not need to be sexual, but where are you drawing your lines?

[00:17:08] Jay House: For right now, the lines are definitely no sexual play. You know, no genital contact in any direction. And I don't want my breasts involved. I basically don't want anybody to touch my naked body. Unless there's a medical reason to do so, except myself, right? Um, I, don't really want to touch anyone else sexually, although I do allow that it's possible that I could administer practices that appear sexual that don't run my energy sexually.

But that's a, sort of a yellow zone where I'm not sure. So, I would proceed with extreme caution Let's see. I will do scenes where I am the top and I'm doing non sexual play. So, um, . A lot of rope can be done. I mean you can do rope and sex, but, um, there's plenty of things that can be done without sex.

So at this point, I'm a month into it, so I'm still kind of figuring it out, but that's where I'm at with it right now. Although I do not think that I want to submit there are very few people I might submit to. People that I would trust enough to really hold a very, very tight line on a kind of energetic submission or devotional submission, I could see doing that kind of thing.

But, yeah, nothing, nothing sexual. And I don't think I would want to do anything very, intense pain either. Because I feel like the pain, releasing all the endorphins, although it might be an interesting experiment further out, like once I know a little bit more yeah, but, um, that stuff's kind of one, day at a time. Um, and if I'm honest, probably my biggest concern about it is that I'll be too loose and I'll let things, you know, I'll end up doing, because I'm not just saying no to everything. Um, that is probably my biggest concern about it.

And that you'll find yourself on a slide.

Yep. Yeah. Compromising it. So, I have been encouraged to essentially write a contract for myself, which I have started to do but haven't finished yet. So that's a project to be worked on.

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Okay, so along the slippery slope line, what about romance? Are you, like, kibosh on that, or is that allowed?

[00:21:22] Jay House: Yeah, pretty much kiboshed on that. I'm not looking for it. And the other, the flip side of that is what I am looking for is friendship, and especially exploring friendship with men, because that is not something I had learned how to do previously.

Um, along the way have discovered that I've been kind of objectifying men all these years. Putting them through, I don't feel too guilty about it. I just think it's ironic that like I would get bent out of shape for being objectified when I'm doing the exact same thing. It's just a different kind of objectification.

But basically what I've figured out is that I had a sort of filter for men and if you weren't a blood relative or gay, then it was kind of like, the book, Are You My Mother? You know, where the bird is walking around to the dog. Are you my mother? I'm like, are you my boyfriend? Going up to the earth mover are you my boyfriend? Snort. You know, like, no. Um, I really do feel like I've never until 2024, this calendar year, I've never been able to like, actually look at a man that, especially a man that I find attractive, especially that, and just let him be who he is. It's always been through this filter of, are you going to like me?

And then, I mean, that gets into this whole other weird thing, right? So, I mean, I suppose my fantasy is that, like, I become friends with all kinds of wonderful men over the next six months, and then at the end, I have, like, lovely boyfriends. Yes. So, yes, long game, still looking for romance.

[00:23:11] Gwyn: Okay.

[00:23:11] Jay House: I've resisted it for a long time. That's the thing, like when you asked how would I identify or, did I still identify as monogamous? I was serially monogamous persistently seeking, always looking. If I didn't have someone, always looking for someone and usually not single for very long. Let's see, I had a relationship that started during COVID.

We were, it was 18 months together. And then, 10 months apart, and then it will be a little bit, and then six months apart, and then a longer time back together. So I was over the, that's, this is a total sidebar that could be edited out probably. What I noticed though, was that coming out of this relationship, I was starting to feel bitter.

And this is, I never finished this, so during the Mama Gena years, this breakup, this other breakup happened. There was this statistic about women over 40 and lightning and I vowed that I would not, as I said it to myself and anyone who would listen then, I would not let my pussy dry up, now that I was over 40 and single. And doomed to never be married again, as if marriage would help. That's another story. I was still laboring under that illusion.

Anyway, I went to orgasmic meditation classes. That was what really cracked open the physical exploration, the sexual exploration. so.

Yeah, I was getting bitter. So, I had intentionally, at that time, made this choice to go get trained in this, you know, this weird sexual practice where I take off my pants, lay down for 15 minutes and let some stranger stroke my pussy, right?

Because I wanted to keep something, I didn't want to lose something, and to me that was very much the same as the bitterness, like the way that so many women in society get really shut down, locked up. And, never date again. Like, my mother never dated after 1980, and she died in 2019. So, I believe she had a libido, um, you know, she had erotica in her collection. And at some point, I know she had at least one vibrator, like, from, I remember from my youth.

So, I always had the sense that sex was a good thing with her. And then we never talked about it after I became an adult. Sad. I wish we had. Now I wish that I had asked her more questions, although I also can feel like that might have been painful and uncomfortable to talk about. But maybe it's good that we didn't talk about it. But, I just knew that when I felt myself getting bitter, this is not good.

And I was, yeah, I mean, I didn't know exactly what to do about it, but that is where I was at I mean, I'm trying to think about what actually happened. And what actually happened was then I went to shamanic kink. And I did a Kasha Urbaniak program. Those two things in 2022 and three really helped get me to this phase of being able to kind of shuck off so much conditioning, which is what it feels like.

[00:26:35] Gwyn: So I'm just trying to put a timeline. You did Mama Gena in the teens.

[00:26:39] Jay House: Yep.

[00:26:40] Gwyn: And then when did you do the OM training?

[00:26:43] Jay House: At that same time.

[00:26:44] Gwyn: Okay.

[00:26:45] Jay House: Yep.

[00:26:46] Gwyn: Okay. And so then those were the two things and then life carried on and then the pandemic and then you got bitter. Yeah. And then you came out of that and did, the Shamanic Kink and, and what was it?

[00:27:00] Jay House: Well, I mentioned Kasia Urbaniak. I had done some work with her in 2016 as well.

[00:27:05] Gwyn: she does the

[00:27:06] Jay House: women in power,

[00:27:07] Gwyn: right. But it's the, good girl break training. Is that,

[00:27:11] Jay House: yeah, good girl reform school is one name. She has a few different programs have different names. There's Power With Men, Power With Money, Summer Love School is going on, and she's doing enrollment for that right now.

Yeah, I would love to do that one. But I mean, you know, these things all cost money, and it takes a lot of energy to do these things. I've actually vowed that this year I'm not taking any courses unless I can come up with the money for, Urban Tantra. That's the only thing I wanted to, that I would take this year.

But I've, taken so much over the last 10 years and the last few years in particular, I've taken in a lot, studied a lot of BDSM practices with Om Rupani and The Shamanic Kink with Francesca and Shadi and, just this year. I felt like I need a break. I need to integrate. I need to use what I have. And if I want to learn something new, I can, you know, read a book.

[00:28:14] Gwyn: I really feel, the integrate feels really powerful and strong to me. because yeah, we can. Consume, consume, consume. And then if, you can't actually integrate it, then what?

[00:28:27] Jay House: Yeah. Um, but it's like a wasted nutrient essentially.

[00:28:31] Gwyn: Yeah. Like you, you just pee it out like you don't need it. And that's not useful. And not, I, it doesn't value the course, but also it doesn't value yourself, which I think is far more important in this particular instance. Yeah.

[00:28:46] Jay House: Yeah. I feel like I've been able to also by integrating. Well, yeah, I feel like I've been able to take pieces of what all these, these teachers I've mentioned them all. Regina, Kasia, OM and Om the two Oms

[00:29:05] Gwyn: ohm the person, Ohm the technique.

[00:29:07] Jay House: Yes. Uh, Francesca, Shadi, um, common denominator in all of them, is desire is one. And then also to some extent, the archetypal work, aspect work, maybe not in orgasmic meditation so much. I mean, we could stretch it for that to fit. But in all those other spaces, you know, with Regina, it's sort of the most basic.

She gets into sort of fairy tales and how, how the fairy tales affect us as women, right? The common, grim fairy tales. And has a segment in a lesson where she encourages exploration of those different fairy tales and how they don't really come true. Like, how or when you get the thing you want, you still aren't satisfied. You still haven't figured out, like, what really lights you up because you're kind of responding to external stimulus.

Um, obviously, OM, Rupani teaching BDSM, BDSM is so much about using aspects to, you know, inhabiting aspects. Like the sadist gets to have permission to be cruel. Where in real life, they would be arrested or whatever, um, or not, but , but they should be, uh, um.

Yeah, the aspect work, I guess. Yeah. What I was saying, the integration is, has allowed me to kind of deepen into the same mechanism of exploring a different part, different parts of myself. And each teacher has shown it in a different way, which allows me to have a deeper understanding of this whole concept of having different parts of myself.

And so I feel pretty comfortable now regularly recognizing like, Oh, this is. You know, this is Cranky Baby, like, that's one that shows up a lot. Cranky Baby, kind of wants to stamp their feet and pout and doesn't want to talk, doesn't really want to communicate, just wants, like, mostly just wants to be comforted.

And, what I find is that when I know them, they don't cause as much trouble. Because I can say, Oh, it's cranky baby. Well, what's wrong? What do you need? Is your diaper wet? You know, I mean, like you would with a baby, right? Like, okay, what do you need? We can solve that or you have to wait, but I promise we'll solve it ASAP.

Then what that has then done because I can do it for myself. Now I can do it for other people. I can hold space for other people. Which then means in my relationships. The friendships, the family ones. I'm having more and more, just positive interactions, more peaceful interactions, fewer snippy, triggered, little side comments, spats.

Or even recently with. I mean, I there was a situation recently with someone where there's a high degree of closeness and a lot of opportunity for tension, right? Because the closer you are, the more tension, I think of it like a car, like a, internal combustion engine with the pistons inside the cylinders.

Like, um, yeah. Or, or, you know, fucking you need lube. I don't know what the lube is in relationships, but it's, it's the good communication and the love languages or the meeting of needs. That's the lube. So anyhow, I had a situation with someone where there is a lot of closeness. And it was ugly for about half an hour.

It was really ugly. It felt really shitty. And then we resolved it. We resolved it. And I know they played a role, obviously. And I also know that I hung in in a way that I wouldn't have been able to in the past. And I didn't turn into an asshole as much as I would have in the past. And more and more, I'm having these, I mean, this is what my life is like.

I don't have fights and, So, you know, I figure eventually there'll be a romantic partner who wants to get in on that.

Or, or more, more than one.

[00:33:10] Gwyn: It strikes me that the celibacy is another way to have that integration with yourself.

[00:33:17] Jay House: Mm hmm. I was thinking that, too, noticing that when I was talking about the celibacy, I was making a gesture that was like a very circular towards the center of my body as if making a hole and how it is this sense of, of wanting to be whole, and integration is about wholeness.

Right, like the word in, integrity, integral, integer, right, it, means, I'm not, I don't know the math, but I know from French, whole wheat is ble integral, whole, so whole integral in French. So integrity and integration, all these things are about being, like, really being true to ourselves and being that cell, right?

That like autonomous being, which I've never done before in romantic partnerships because I've always lost myself. And now I'm at this place of, I mean, I haven't said anything about this to you at all, but I think the twin investigation along with the celibacy experiment is, it's something about what to do with all the love. Because there is a huge amount of love. And that is part of why I've had the experiences I've had, is I do love easily.

A couple people have recently told me about a book, The Five Personality Types by Stephen Kessler. Both people who told me, they said, you're a merger. You know, and the mergers have a big heart and they're warm and open and they know how to build community and they're loving and they feel good, but they lose themselves.

Um, so that feels like the next piece of it is to figure out where that love can go, how it can be used or recycled back into my own body. Yeah, I'm pausing there cause just cause I needed to pause there.

[00:35:22] Gwyn: So, you've got a lot going on.

[00:35:25] Jay House: Oh, yeah.

[00:35:27] Gwyn: And you're doing output, too, right? Like, you're starting to do workshops and stuff?

[00:35:33] Jay House: I am, yes.

[00:35:35] Gwyn: Do you want to talk about that?

[00:35:37] Jay House: Yes, I can talk about that.

[00:35:39] Gwyn: I mean, you don't have to.

[00:35:40] Jay House: Um, So I've been working with a friend on a program called Embrace Love, which is a connection event that uses rope and essential oils and tantric meditation practices, and it is currently designed for pairs. So, um, people come in and we show them some things that they can do to build connection between them and involving those things that I mentioned. So that's, that's the main thing coming up.

I'm also involved with Shamanic Kink, but that probably will have happened by the time this publishes. So the next thing I'm gonna be working on is a series of negotiation workshops where people can actually come and bring their actual relationship agreements to get feedback and help creating them. Um, or if they don't have any, they can get ideas on how to create them. I have a series of tools that I've collected over the years of taking all these workshops. Um, different ways to talk about relationships. And so one of the things that we'll do is go through a certain tool and just see how people might use it.

And I'll also be inviting people to come in and talk about specific relationship agreements, you know, folks that have something that they've, you know, some agreement they've put in place and can share about how they created those or what it's been like to have them or if they've renegotiated what that process was like. So that'll be Zoom and I'm thinking that'll be monthly.

[00:37:25] Gwyn: That's awesome. And do you want to talk about the, the big offering that you have on the table right now?

[00:37:31] Jay House: Um, yeah, well, what the offer is, is for, it is intensive coaching. It could actually have a live in component, you know, under the right circumstances. Um, what I envision is a probably a three month commitment would be the minimum. Um, and it would be, like I was your new best friend, essentially.

And you would have access, this person would have access to me. I would have to set some boundaries around being able to sleep and you know, some private time and that sort of thing. But, but there would be access and we would be able to work on stubborn problems, honestly. I mean, I, and I think one of the areas I see coming up and I, I imagine this person is a man, but it doesn't have to be a man. But what I imagine working on is, when somebody has spent such a long time alone, like a bachelor that has spent such a long time alone, that they've essentially forgotten how to be with another human being. sometimes they just need to attune.

Mean, it's sort of like how women will come to have their menstrual cycles in sync, right? After they spend some time together, they attune, their bodies attune. And so this is literally what I mean is that, that I have the kind of heart energy and boundaries and intellectual capacity to hold someone in a very intimate container where there would be the opportunity to talk about all the things.

All the things. And really dig into the scary parts, the shameful parts, the things that feel ugly to admit, and look at them. And that's something I happen to be pretty good at. And find the love in there. Find the, the good in those ugly parts. Cause usually those ugly parts have come to try to do good in a situation that was, you know, untenable in one way or another.

[00:39:54] Gwyn: And then we build up shame and create these massive scar tissue things around them. And it becomes, painful to even consider. Yep. Yeah.

[00:40:05] Jay House: Yeah, yeah. I do see, I mean, that there's something about dating over the decades and seeing the differences with older people, you know, people in their fifties and up. Um, emotional differences, certainly some physical and physiological things like, lot of men are dealing with issues around their, penises. One way or another, there's a lot of pain and shame and trauma around that. And it doesn't, have to be like that.

[00:40:40] Gwyn: No. No. And it would be much better if it wasn't.

[00:40:43] Jay House: Right. Right. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, the offer is that there, that there is room for. I could probably do one of these, and it would be, I think I said 10, 000, um, that's a month, probably, for three months, so it's a pretty big commitment, um, I don't know if I would negotiate on that. I might.

[00:41:06] Gwyn: Well, I imagine that there would be some discussion around parameters no matter what.

[00:41:11] Jay House: Absolutely. Yeah and this is, a coaching thing. This is about connection and talking and yeah. it's about being able to have a witness to a process and to go through things, and really be witnessed in fullness and over time and at different phases.

I, feel like. I mean, in a therapeutic setting, you get once a week, I mean, therapy is wonderful. I've had some really great therapists. But I also, sometimes it's not, it's not enough. You know, it's really not enough, and people need to just practice being with other people, so this would also afford that opportunity.

[00:41:58] Gwyn: Yeah. Yeah. On a really basic level. Right. And I don't mean basic like, ah, you're so basic. But like on a base level.

[00:42:08] Jay House: Yeah. Yeah.

[00:42:09] Gwyn: I think it's brilliant.

[00:42:11] Jay House: I hope somebody takes me up on it because I actually think it could be pretty life changing.

[00:42:15] Gwyn: Yeah.

[00:42:16] Jay House: For somebody.

[00:42:17] Gwyn: I really think it could.

[00:42:18] Jay House: It has to be the right, I mean, we have to like each other.

We have to get along. You have to, you know, there has to be a certain amount of chemistry, so to speak. I just made air quotes. You can't see it, but I did it anyway.

[00:42:33] Gwyn: That's okay.

[00:42:35] Jay House: That was the closed captioning for the

visually impaired.

[00:42:42] Gwyn: Which is everyone. There's no video here. Yeah. Right. There definitely have to be a whole lot of discussion and also room for them to integrate.

[00:42:53] Jay House: Right.

[00:42:54] Gwyn: Coming back to the whole integration thing. yeah, but I think, I mean, I really, I really do think that it's a, brilliant consideration for someone who is ready to do the work. Cause that's the other piece is that, yeah. You can't just be like, okay, la, la, la. It's like, yeah, no, this is going to be intense and there's going to be a lot. And you're going to need to go lay down for a while. I just did the bed motion for, for the visually impaired. I really hope somebody takes you up on that offer.

[00:43:33] Jay House: Cool. Yeah. Thank you.

[00:43:36] Gwyn: You're welcome.

[00:43:38] Jay House: This was fun.

[00:43:39] Gwyn: So, um, I like to, podcasts by asking a final question. So, Jay House, what excites you?

[00:43:46] Jay House: People, people and meeting new people and learning about people. Yeah, getting to be in connection with people and like that feeling of connection. That really excites me.

It also really excites me when I have different kinds of connections where like, if I see, like when I first realized the connection between whole wheat and French and integrity and could understand that like, oh, integrity doesn't just mean like, I won't steal their purse. It means I'm staying true to my core values. That's what integrity means. Right. So like it happens a lot with words. Words excite me.

[00:44:25] Gwyn: I dig it. That's super awesome. This has been really super fun.

[00:44:30] Jay House: Thank you, Gwyn.

[00:44:37] Gwyn: Okay. What was your favorite moment from the episode? Mine was learning about Jay's interesting journey through the societal expectations where we mostly begin. To where she is now. Can you relate to any of that? Maybe not the specifics. Or maybe, I don't know. I was just thinking about the concept of not knowing that there were other options besides monogamous heterosexual relationships.

Any who I would really, really, really love to hear your thoughts. There are so many ways to find me and tell me, you could go to what excites us.com and record a voice message. You could find us on what excites us on Patrion and message us there. If you use Facebook, you could search the what excites us group. Join us and have a discussion run, or you could just even DM me on Tik Tok, Instagram or threads. I'm SexFairyGwyn at all of those places.

And since I'm doing this bit, I'm going to be sure to tell you to please be sure you are subscribed. And if you could take a moment and rate and review the podcast, that really it does so much. I cannot express how much it does to help me out.

If you want to learn more about Jay you can find her on Facebook. At Jay Lamar House that's. facebook.com/j a y l a m a r h o u s e. Or she's also the futurist philosopher on sub And I will definitely have links to those in the show notes.

What Excites Us is hosted, produced and edited by me. I'm Gwyn Isaacs. The music is by Stephen Kartenberg and Julius H and it's used under the creative commons attribution license. The host is tickle.life. You can find more great content about sex, positivity and other similar things at tickle.life. Thank you so much for listening. If you liked this episode, consider sharing it with friend and remember always you are loved. ' cause. I love you. Thank you. so much