What Excites Us!

Episode 37 : Body Shame Affects Men Too

Transcript:

[00:00:00] Gwyn: This podcast is about sex and sexuality, so please only listen if you are an adult without kids or other ears around that cannot, or do not consent to sensitive language and content. Thanks. - Hello and welcome to What Excites Us! My name is Gwyn Isaacs. I am a certified sex coach, and I want you to know that you are okay. Whatever it is that you're into, whatever you desire, however you wanna express yourself sexually, is okay. As long as it's not harming anyone, and that includes yourself.

This episode is gonna be a little bit different. I have turned on the microphone. I am clasping my hands so I don't just reach up and turn it off because I have some things I wanna talk about. So this episode is for men and anyone who loves men, and I'm gonna say that that is everyone because even if you don't have a man in your life romantically, or as a partner. You probably had a dad, maybe you have brothers, maybe there's even some guys at work that you just care about.

So I've had some. Questions recently from listeners and people who find me in other ways on Instagram or TikTok or whatever, all the places that I'm not terribly good at being at consistently, but I'm really there. I do come back around. Yay. ADHD. Anyway. Um, Yeah, so I've had a whole bunch of questions recently. Now to be clear, I get, I do get a lot of questions from men, and I'm not really sure why that is. And for a long time it kind of bothered me. That being said, for a lot of times, a lot of times the questions are obnoxious. Just cut it out guys. Like for real. Cut it out. It's so much sexier if you're vulnerable. Like, just be honest and open and vulnerable.

Anyway, sorry, that is not a part of the rant, but as I mentioned, I'm not allowed to turn off the mic until I'm done ranting, and then we'll see. Right, so a whole bunch of questions from men recently about, well, they all sort of boiled down to some self-esteem stuff, and so, I will get into the specifics of the questions in a little bit because I think that a lot of guys have these questions, but are too afraid or ashamed or self-conscious or whatever. Whatever it is, don't, don't ask anyone. Um, And so we will talk about those.

But first I'm gonna rant a little bit about what this says to me and something that I've been thinking about for quite a long time, but haven't really articulated, at least not publicly. Yeah. So, you know, it's, it's clear that we live in a patriarchy. And um, it's clear that some aspects of that are not really working out. Now I do not wanna go into any of the political or economic global ramifications. I just wanna talk about how I believe that this hurts men. As much, but in different ways than it hurts women and yeah, I mean, I don't know, like, okay, so you can get into, we could get into a huge semantics argument about the term as much. Let's just assume that I tend to speak in slight hyperbole and don't. Please don't get hung up on any of the absolute terms that I might use. Right. That's cultural. It's something I'm working on, but for the moment I just wanna rant and I'm, if I keep getting hung up and worried about, How it's coming through and somebody could get stuck on the, as much as women, because of course there's all sorts of arguments back and forth.

Women suffer lots more. People of third through eighth genders suffer a lot more as a group. But I'm not talking about people as a group, I'm talking about individual men. Okay. Now all of my hyperbole aside, men suffer from horrible body shaming and self-esteem issues. While it's not necessarily talked about, it hasn't been talked about yet in great numbers, with good reason. I would like to add. There's plenty of reasons that men should not get brought to the front of the line. But now when you're talking about individual men, your brother, your partner, your lover, your friend, they might be suffering and the whole world will be better when there is less suffering. So let's talk about that. Okay. I'm gonna try hard to stop getting hung up on my own political beliefs.

So men. Can we stop saying the term Big Dick Energy please? Can we stop only finding men attractive who have six pack abs? I mean, yeah. Okay. There is something very sexy about that, but honestly, there's something also very sexy about a giant teddy bear who will just hold you, right? Like sex isn't in the body. I mean, yeah, sure, people are attractive. Don't get me wrong. And thank goodness we all have interesting and different types, but shaming anybody because of the way they look. It's just not cool, man. It's just, it's not okay.

And when we do it in, in these big group things like, You know, big dick energy, right? Like, so today as I was walking down the street, some asshole had some muscle car that was so loud it physically hurt my ears as it drove by, and it created this toxic fume of smoke that was so unpleasant to breathe. And my first reaction, Was, oh yeah, sure. glad that you need to tell us that you have balls. That made me frustrated that that was the first thing I thought of. I mean, I've been working on removing big dick energy from my vocabulary for, I don't know, uh, year, maybe two. But still the still, the thing that I come to when I'm mad at somebody for being a dick is, um, and I mean that of course in the negative connotation, slang, not your actual penis, but is that they are overcompensating for some, presumed lack in their life. Probably around their, uh, body or sexuality.

And that's, it's not cool. I mean, it's entirely likely that it's true. Stereotypes exist for a reason and all that, but maybe that's just their aesthetic and I suppose they're entitled to it. I will, again, leave my personal opinions about political things off the table. Right, but the the point is that when we say that somebody is demonstrating big dick energy or small dick energy, What we are saying is that they believe that their value is tied up into the size of their genitals, and for people who have genitals that they're uncomfortable with, which, um, let's see, is probably around the lines of 70% of humans can take issue with some part of their genitals. Uh, I would say 90% of people find fault with some part of their body. This is not scientific.

This is purely anecdotal. People talk to me, right? And of course the people who feel great aren't talking to me, but I'm just guessing Anyway. Just, let's stop, let's, let's try to assume that somebody has some sort of self-esteem concern based on some jerk saying something to them in junior high school, elementary, some lover in their early twenties. Um, to this day, I will not wear a sleeveless. Like I have a really hard time wearing a tank top. because I have PCOS and I have very large upper arms and, uh, they used to tease me for my bingo wings when I grew up, um, which is, you know, basically saying that I have granny arms, um, and it's dumb. Like, whatever, I should get over it. I haven't, maybe I will. Who knows? That's irrelevant. The point is that men suffer from these sorts of things too. So if we can just all try to stop, that would be great.

Now, if you are a man or someone of another gender or a woman, this works for everybody. Here's a thing that you can do that will help. It's really annoying because my Gen X brain goes to, I'm smart enough, I'm good enough, and gosh darn at people like me. Thank you Al Franken. But affirmations actually work. I am proof positive that they work. Even if you find them. Oh my gosh, so annoying. So annoying. Get over it. And figure out a way to do it. Now, here are the steps that you need to take to have an affirmation that will work, okay? First of all, don't try to make too big of a leap at once. That doesn't work. Second of all, right, so let me just go back. Not too big of a leap at once.

So I have put on a lot of weight. In the past year, and I'm really struggling with it, like I've always been a big girl, but like a lot, and it's the way that it's sitting on my body is really uncomfortable physically. Um, And when I look in the mirror, it's, I'm going back to having dysphoria like I had when I was a teenager. It's bad, but I've been working on it. I can't look at the mirror and go, wow, you are so sexy. That extra 20 pounds just sits you in the exact perfect way. That would be too much. But what I can start to do and what I have been working on is accepting that this extra weight is here so that when I look in the mirror, I actually see what is in the mirror as opposed to dysphoria, which I have experienced. So that's the first step. Don't try to make too big of a leap in once your brain will reject it as a lie and just laugh.

So the next part of making an affirmation that will work for you is that it has to be in your own language. So if you are the kind of person who swears a lot, go ahead and swear a lot in your affirmation. I'm fucking hot. Great. Whatever words you would use to describe your best friend or someone you find attractive, that's the language that you want to use when you're working on an affirmation for yourself. Let's see, we've got, don't make too big of a leap at once. We've got use your own language.

Oh, and the third one. See, I'm going without a script. This is really just me rambling. The third one is you wanna put, either write it down or say it a lot. There are two ways to go about this, and it's really more about whether you're a visual inputter or an audio person, or if there are other ways that really work for your brain. I would recommend just starting with throwing spaghetti on the wall and trying a bunch of different things and seeing what works. Uh, if you've never figured out your learning style or if you haven't yet figured out your learning style. So I've had clients do a bunch of different things. Make it the background on your phone. Um, make, make a cute, sort of like a, a go onto Canva and make cute affirmation picture and use it as an image so that every time you open your phone or your computer or whatever, it's there. and you won't even be necessarily conscious of it. This is the way it is with, the other writing things. Um, but seeing it a bunch, it will start to filter in.

If you make a conscious effort to read the words out loud maybe, or, or at least out loud in your head a few times a day, that will move it faster. But no matter what you do, if you are constantly looking at this image, you will start to imprint it. If you just wanna do something super simple and write on a post-it note or write on lipstick on your mirror or whatever it is, great. Um, put that post-it note somewhere on your dashboard, in your car, if you drive a lot, or next to where you put your keys. Anywhere that you look a lot on your fridge, maybe. Um, that's why the mirror works pretty good cuz. You know, brushing our teeth or sort of in the mirror, a a, anything like that, someplace where you see these words and you see them frequently. And if you can remember when you, when you are in a space where you're conscious of them, to say them out loud or to read them in your brain out loud, um, that moves things along faster. Um, for people who don't really respond well to writing, you can make an alarm on your phone with the phrase on it so that when that alarm goes off, preferably several times a day, you will see it, um, at least once a day.

If you can, but you know, a anything and always with any advice I give, um, use what's useful for you and leave whatever isn't, that's fine. But so affirmations, you wanna make tiny leaps. Tiny, tiny, tiny baby steps towards whatever it is that you're thinking. If you don't like the way that your, well, well, this is for men. How about this? If you don't think your penis is big enough, something along the lines of my penis is, all right, is the next step. Not my penis is fantastic because that's just too big of a leap. Your brain will reject it. Second bit, use your own language. Whatever that is, and it helps to use the same language, like not necessarily the same, same word every time, but that does actually help a little bit. Third bit all the time. As often as possible. As often as possible. If you can say it seven times a day. Nine times a day. That's amazing. You will see results in a couple of weeks. If you can say it once a day, that's fantastic too. If you remember every third or fourth day, every little bit helps and it will get you closer to your goal. Don't reject the concept out of hand. Give it a shot, right?

These are just ways to. Feel better in the world and ultimately, isn't that what we all wanna do? Feel better in the world? so I think that's it. My rant was about can we please stop shaming men for their bodies? I mean, it kind of goes without saying, maybe it doesn't, maybe I do need to say it. Don't shame anybody about their bodies if they, if they have a pronoun that is he, she or they, don't shame them. If their pronoun is dinosaur. Don't shame them. If they don't wanna use pronouns at all, or they wanna make up new words, don't shame them. Their body is not something that they have control over. I mean, for some people, some people are really into their bodies. They're super embodied and they can do more with it than others as far as changing the way it looks. But for an awful lot of us, it doesn't feel that way. This is what we got, right? And we're not gonna go spend hundreds of thousands of dollars or even. Tens of thousands or even a hundred dollars on changing our appearance because that's just not a priority. It doesn't matter. No shame. Please stop it. Just stop.

And then I suggested a way to help dealing with the shame with affirmations. Boy, I get really riled up about that, and then just even mentioning the word affirmation sort of calm me right down. That's so interesting. Another quick tip is if you find yourself judging people, it's good to notice how often you do that because the, the way that you judge them is also the way you're judging yourself. So if you find yourself judging other people a lot, and by a lot, I mean more than a few times a day, if that, um, then you need to look at how that's also affecting you. And with all of this, with any of this, if you would like help someone to hold your hand, someone to talk specifically about these things, find me. I'm super easy to find. You can go to what excites us. You can go to earthly desire. You can go to Facebook or Instagram or TikTok. I'm Sex Fairy Gwyn, all over the place.

[00:19:30] Gwyn: you know, frequently when I tell people what I do for a living, they ask for a hot sex tip. So what I say, not really knowing them or any of their situations is that most sexual issues can be helped with more and better conversation, or lube or both. Now, conversation is really on you, although I can help you if you'd like me to. I do that as a coach. But when it comes to lube, there are two brands that I always reach for first. Uberlube is my go-to silicone lube. It's pure. It's not full of any unnecessary additives that make it smell, taste, or feel, unlike you me. It comes in a beautiful glass bottle that I'm happy to have on my nightstand, and it's great in most situations. However, if you prefer a water-based lube or have some other intimate needs, I recommend Good, Clean Love. They have a variety of great products to help everything in the bedroom goes smoothly, huh. They've got some vaginal care kits, some cleaning solutions, oils and candles. It's really great. Now you can find an affiliate link for these at the podcast's website whatexcitesus.com And to be clear, you do help me out when you buy through these links, but I specifically reached out to these companies because I truly love their products and I believe in what they're doing. So help yourself. Help me help these lovely companies and get better sex with better lube. Go visit the links for UberLube and good Clean Love at whatexcitesus.com

Okay. Enough of that. I wanted to talk about the questions that I got. So I got two questions in a couple of days that really impacted me in a way that I was kind of surprised about. One of them was a guy who had received a lot of shame about his penis size. Um, and I don't know if it was like a lot, like we didn't really get into a whole lot of conversation about it, but you know, I got the impression that it was more than one person who said something rude about his penis not being big enough. And that just makes me angry. It breaks my heart and inspired this whole episode.

So the first thing that I told him, and, I'm just gonna tell you how I would approach this. How about that? Uh, the first part is, the size of his penis was actually on the larger side. Um, when you talk about averages, it just happened to be that it wasn't on the larger size for his community. it is true stereotypes for a reason that, uh, at one point, and maybe I'll find and attach, I found a chart of average penis sizes for different cultures around the world. Um, and he was from a predominantly larger culture. Uh, and so he received some static, but here's what I reminded him. It's not, um, and I don't know, reminded here, here's what I told him. Overall. The size of his penis was larger than average, and that means that overall there are gonna be larger than average amount of women who would enjoy it. Men who have particularly large shafts, actually don't get quite as much pleasure from it because they don't get to that place where they are fully engulfed. Because most women do not have particularly large vaginal canals. Right. We're, we're sort of, we're built to go together as it were. Um, much like the duck with the corkscrew penis, there's a corkscrew female that will take him. Same thing with vaginal canals and penile shafts. While it's possible that you will find somebody that has the exact same length that you do that's not really often the way it works. But for men who have particularly large members, it is difficult to find a woman who would enjoy having the full thing in her because you know, not every woman enjoys having her cervix bumped during sex. There are some that do and rock onto them. So that was the first piece that his penis was fine averaged wise.

The second piece was about that understanding that it was his community that prompted this, this difference. And then I suggested that he takes some time and really enjoy his penis. Um, this is a, as a coach, this is how I'm being approached. This is how I'm responding to it. So beyond the affirmations to not just view his genitals as a utilitarian thing, but to love on them much as one would love on a partner. Um, you know, you don't necessarily need or want to bring it roses, and not every partner wants that either. But, you know, talk to it. Be gentle, feel it, really enjoy what you have because that. Is another type of affirmation. It's just not a word. Affirmation.

Okay. I think that was that. And the other one. I'm sorry, did I mention I was tired? I'm really tired. But body shaming penis, what was the other question? Oh my gosh. Do I have to go get my phone and look at it? Brains Okay. I'm almost falling asleep while I'm sitting here trying to think of it, so I'm gonna go get my phone and remind myself that way. Okay, here it is. It wasn't, um, speci Well, it, it kind of was. I don't know. Well, it's a question that's come up, a lot in a lot of different forms.

This one, had a specific cause, but, It happens a lot, and that is, this gentleman was finding that his penis wasn't working the way he wanted it to. He wasn't, getting engorged the way that he wanted it to. And, my first instinct was to think about and to suggest, some vagus nerve exercises, because the vagus nerve everything top to bottom basically, um, but definitely has a large amount to do with what goes on in the genital region. And so, if there was some sort of blockage happening or damage, it might be part of what this person was experiencing. But this also just happens to men as they age. And so so this is where it's a, it's a thing. It is definitely a thing. Men as they age, find that, you know, they don't engorge the way that they used to. That's why there's this whole industry about it.

And I would not say I'm an expert in this realm at all. Even a little bit. that being said, I, I, I do know some things and I don't know if it's my imposter syndrome kicking in or the fact that I'm so tired, but I'm hesitant to even say anything about it, except that yeah, some vagus nerve exercises could be helpful. There's always looking into the physical realm, what is happening in your body, going to a doctor and getting all of the testosterone panel done and seeing if, cuz there's a whole bunch of just different testosterone levels that they can test seeing if they're all in the range that they should be. And no doctor is gonna tell you whether or not your vagus nerve is functioning properly. Not as far as I know anyway.

I mean, maybe, I suppose there are probably some alternative doctors who can look into that. but I would recommend vibration and sound. Visualizing things. But if you are not woo woo at all and don't wanna, you know, send energy to things, then uh, the practice of edging can help. Although, if you're having trouble engorging, it's a different sort of edging. You just wanna practice getting it hard to a place that you like it and then easing off. You don't need to necessarily go all the way to even wanting to have an orgasm. Just, just sort of letting the, the cells and the nerves remember what that feels like can be very helpful for some people.

Again, this is not my, particular, level of knowledge that I feel comfortable sharing, I guess. Um, this is, I'm not, I am not an expert in, I don't have a penis. I have not gone to medical school. So I just, I have a little bit of a deficit, and also, it's not generally what I would've chosen to study, but for some reason, you guys like me and, and, and it is truly my mission to help everybody that I can who comes to me in a vulnerable way, honest and, and open. Because being able to be those things can really, really help move you forward in whatever way it is that you want to move forward. Okay. This has been a lot longer than I expected it to be.

Oh my goodness. Um, let's just stop being mean to each other, okay. And stop being mean to ourselves. And again, please reach out to me. I give one answer for free, to anybody who asks. And, I actually have some availability coaching right now, which is kind of rare. So if you're interested, let's chat and, um, Yeah.

My name is Gwyn Isaacs. This has been a very ranty episode. I would love to know if you actually listen to this, um, and if you prefer this type or the other type or whatever. If you have anything that you would like to say to me, you can do so anonymously. Or you can tell me who you are at whatexcitesus.com. This show is produced and edited and hosted, and this time ranted completely by me. Gwyn Isaacs, our podcast host is Tickle.life. The music is Stephen Kartenberg and Julius H and Man you know what, I, I love you guys. I do. I love you. So until next time.