What Excites Us!

Episode 9 - Tell All with Wanda

Episode 9 - Tell All with Wanda

This episode is the second in our tell-all series. It is conversation with Wanda, who identifies as trans-feminine and kinky, but is living with their family who are unaware of their interests. We talk about growing up queer in New England, what they like and a variety of sex and sexuality theories. This one is no holds barred as we get into some of the nitty-gritty of Wanda’s life and desires. 

If you are interested in being my guest for this type of episode please let me know by sending an email to gwyn@earthlydesire.com

When I said the last thing in the interview I had two very specific things in mind, this poster which hung in my kitchen at the vintage store I owned, (a picture of the Buddha, saying “chill homie, you need to let that shit go”)


And this meditation that helped me a lot during the same time period

F*ck That: An Honest Meditation- https://youtu.be/92i5m3tV5XY 

You can learn more about me, or become my coaching client at earthlydesire.com

Please answer the question of the week, or send me a question, comment, or story at whatexcites.com

Metamorphosis by TopSecretMusicNetwork found on Pixabay

The Vendetta by Stefan Kartenberg (c) copyright 2018 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution (3.0) license.
Harmony by PolyPlus (c) copyright 2021 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution (3.0) license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/polyplus/63962 


Gwyn  0:00  
Folks, this show is adult in nature. And in this particular episode, we're not holding back. So if you are a kid, you got to go listen to something else. I don't want to get in trouble for your bad behavior.

Today, I'm chatting with my dear friend Wanda about how they navigate the world as trans feminine person with a complex family life, what gets her motor running, and general thoughts on sex and sexuality in our culture. I'll tell you, I had a hard time choosing what to edit out. And so much of this is so good. If you would rather hear the whole mostly unedited version of two friends chatting, and all the behind the scenes stuff that I had to cut. Please join me on Patreon at patreon.com/whatexcitesus. Because this is an adult show, you can't search it, you need to type the entire thing into your browser as a whole link. patreon.com/what excites us. Speaking of which, I'd super like to thank Shawn for joining me there. Thank you so much Shawn. He will now have access to all the random bonuses that you may be missing. And do not want to miss out do you? Wink wink. nudge nudge Anywho. Without further ado, here is my chat with Wanda. 

Hi, Wanda, thanks for coming on. This is really exciting. Why don't we start with just tell us the basics of who you are with without, you know, of course any actual identifying information.

Wanda  1:51  
Certainly. I'm Wanda. And that is a name that I go by with a lot of people there are some people, you know, that live fairly nearby that only know me by that name. I was born a cis male in 1960. My early life was on a dairy farm. And I always felt different. I remember an early experience saying that I wanted to be a girl and getting spanked for it. This is like at two years old. And I had a dream where I at like four or five, six years old would have this tumbling dream and I would come out wearing tights. And then of course, I got a little older and started to get socialized and schools and such. They try to beat the queer out of you. And in one of my writings on FetLife, I have a line that's something like it taught me to fight with the ferocity that held all but the stupidest at bay. So you know, I've done lots of manliness things in my life. I'm a small person. And I've been trying to study who I am and what's going on with me since I was in my 20s. And there wasn't much available for information back then. In my early 30s. In my late 20s just came to accept that you know, whatever it was that it was part of me and that wearing feminine clothes. That seems to be the icon right? iconography of of being trans feminine. So I got married, and I've been with my wife for 25 years, we'll have our 25th wedding anniversary in the spring. And I tried to come out to her by the time I got married rather late for you know, getting married the first time. The first thing she says well, are you queer, right? Excuse me? Are you gay? And I was like, Well, I really didn't answer the question. But I'm thinking to myself, at this point in our relationship, do I act gay? I mean, am I having a problem relating to you my beautiful, intelligent cisgendered woman. And then the next experience that we shared was Halloween, and I had two can can girl costumes. And we went out with a couple that we know and we had a great time until this one guy started hitting on me. And he was just bonkers. When he what I told him, You know, I'm a guy. Like he's trying to buy me a drink and I'm like, the second time he asked me if he could buy me a drink. I said, You know what? A guy, right? And he didn't believe it. And then I went in the bathroom, and peed in the urinal next to him. And then he was screaming that, oh, I tried to give him a blowjob or something in the bathroom. So it turned into this whole thing. And at the end of the night, we're drunk as hell. He's got a couple of his buddies over in the corner of the parking lot, and they want to beat me up. And he's some friend or relationship to the woman who was driving us that night. And so my wife had this really horrible experience of how dangerous it is, or can be to have some sort of alternative presentation sexuality of what have you. So that's a summary of who I am. I could go on just explaining who I am for probably another half an hour. 

Gwyn  5:56  
I mean, if you have more that you want to share, that's a pretty amazing story. And what a shame for your wife to have that as the first experience. Do you think that that colored her view on how you present?

Wanda  6:09
Certainly, certainly, you know, everyone wants to keep their loved ones safe? And if something is dangerous, and they say, No, it's not dangerous, So you say, Okay, let's let's try it out. And then it turns out to be dangerous, that's just going to reinforce their belief.

Gwyn  6:28  
Right? Do you think that she felt that before that happened? Or do you think that she had no idea? Or? 

Wanda  6:35 
Well she definitely felt that way before because she comes from a culture and a place where that's also taboo. Gotcha. Maybe more so than our is it possible for anything to be more taboo in our than our societies? I don't know. 

Gwyn  6:50  
Are you in Kansas? You know, it sort of depends on on location. But yeah, I get that she's she has a very conservative upbringing, and culture all all around her. She didn't have examples of otherness.

Wanda  7:08  
Conformity is very important in her original society.

Gwyn  7:13  
That makes sense. I mean, it's a bummer. But that makes sense. So where are you? Now? How are you living today? What is what is your regular life like?

Wanda  7:26  
I currently identify as assigned male at birth, gender queer, trans feminine and non binary? Although it's funny, because I say non binary, but my presentation is almost always sort of binary. I guess it's partly because people see what they want to see. And so I can be wearing and I have this thing that I do, I call it stealth drag, just for lack of a better term, where I wear women's pants or women's shirts. And I go about my business I usually get read is male or gay, gay male, which is fine. I'd actually sometimes rather get read as a gay male than as a straight man. 

Gwyn  8:13  
Right? I can understand that. Although, you know, you were happily married. And, and all of that.

Wanda  8:24  
Yes. So I mean, if you want to put a bring the sexuality into it, because to me, there's sex, which, you know, is really the the nuts and bolts, right? You know, do you have a penis? Do you have a vagina? And I'm going to go on a tangent here. The folks that say, Well, if you have a penis, you're a man. And if you have a vagina, you're a woman. And I'm like, okay, great. That's fine. But what then? So it doesn't matter if a man is wearing a dress and high heels and makeup and paints their nails, and you know, wants to get fucked.

Gwyn  9:05  
By a penis type object. Yeah.

Wanda  9:08  
Right. So that you're still a man? Nope, nope. If that's the, if that's the way you want to draw the line. That's fine. Except that nobody means that when they say man or woman. So there's sex, there's sexuality. And there's gender, and kind of in big categories. And of course, we all know about the gender unicorn. And that's a great place for people to maybe expand their vocabulary about what it means to be a sexual human being.

Gwyn  9:43  
Absolutely. I love the gender unicorn, and I love that they've updated it. Over the past few years. I could go on a pretty severe rant about sex being defined by the outward parts, but I won't I'll keep it very brief and remind people that intersex happens And it's a natural thing throughout every animal, including humans. And that that is a ridiculous way to define things, see how good that was brief.

Wanda  10:13  
And, and even more so,  the external appearances vary greatly. And the internal variations vary even more just because there are so many more ways to express your internal, you know, on the outward expression kind of nature has prodded sexual reproducing beings or lifeforms to some sort of a binary. So the the middle is much less, but the brain is really plastic. Anyway. So my gender is, as I said, assigned male at birth, gender non conforming, trans feminine and non binary, my sexuality is more bisexual, I would say, because that's where I have experience. I don't really have experience with other people who are trans feminine, limited experience with people who are trans masculine, and quite a bit of experience with people who are assigned female at birth cisgendered women,

Gwyn  11:22  
when you are attracted to someone, what is it that attracts you?

Wanda  11:27  
Yeah, what excites us?

Gwyn  11:31  
That's the last question. Hold on to that part. Just straight up, like, you know, who turned who makes you turn your head? Like, do you have a few types? Or are you into, like, intellectual conversation? Or you know what I mean? Like, there's so many things so

Wanda  11:48  
So the physical turn my head is certain types of feminine femininity, expressed in certain ways. Masculinity is very, very attractive. But you know, I hate the fuckboys. You know, that think Oh, because you're feminine, anybody can fuck you.

Gwyn  12:12  
Now, hold on a second, I just want to ask, do you think that that would have been the same when you were 20? If you were 20. Now, instead of the older ages that we are, because I know that that I was definitely hotter for what would have been a fuck boy, way back when now I'm not at all.

Wanda  12:27  
Well, I think I think my friend Fred was kind of a fuck boy. But he came from a Dominican Republic family and in South Florida. And he had a certain way about him and a huge dick, but I didn't know that. If they know, I didn't know that until it came into play. But we were friends and we drank together and I was not completely inexperienced. So I don't know. I guess what guys, it's more of a right place, right time. And being the right person at that time. You know, so an individual, not just, oh, on this particular Saturday night, I was looking for some cock.

Gwyn  13:18  
It sounds like you are attracted to people who are strong within themselves. And outward expressing of that.

Wanda  13:27  
Yeah, I like self confidence. It's like the sexiest trait. 

Gwyn  13:32  
Yeah, it absolutely is. 

Wanda  13:34  
And it doesn't, it's not the it's not the self aggrandizing bullshit, kind of self confidence, either. It's got to be quiet and friendly and subtle. You know, I like to top I like to bottom sometimes switch in the middle of it. So it takes a certain type of personality to do that. And the person has to be fairly well centered within themselves. 

Gwyn  13:58  
Yeah, absolutely. So you mentioned FetLife and then you just mentioned top bottom and switch you are kinky question mark.

Wanda  14:06  
Yeah. Yeah, I would say yes, I am kinky and I have been kinky since I read those trashy 1960s and early 70s like Hollywood romance, where they navall novellas novels, you know, it was way better than the than the Antonio Banderas long flowing hair on the cover the you know, kind of medieval hero kind of thing. Yeah, kinky. I like bondage. You know, I started out with in my 20s with some leather cuffs from Spartacus leather when you when you had to when he had to go to the bookstore and get a catalog and mail a check in order to get stuff, and the only ways to really meet people were through like swingers magazines, where you would write a letter, put in an envelope with their ad code and put that in another envelope, addressed to the magazines publisher along with like $3 worth of stamps, because stamps were fungible, and they were doing a lot of mailing. So it was perfect for that.

Gwyn  15:24  
When I was cleaning out my dad's files, I think, maybe my mom's I don't know, my mom was sort of the family archivist. So that could have been my dad's files in my mom's stuff. I found several really old Polaroids and printed naked pictures of people in the 70s. 

Wanda  15:50  
People in the 70s actually, they had they still had genitalia back then. Oh, amazing, right.

Gwyn  15:58  
Wow. Yeah, no, it was great. I was I was delighted. I know. Just, my mom had told me at some point that that she had told my dad to go like, you know, she had a baby, she didn't want to deal. Like, I don't care, whatever. But these letters made it sound like the ads were written as though they were swinging. Neither of them are around for me to ask. So I have no idea. But just finding that piece of evidence was fantastic. Oh, my goodness. Okay, so you are indeed kinky. You like bondage. What else are you into in the kink realm.

Wanda  16:42  
Um, I've discovered impact play, you know, flogging different striking implements. I'm not into I don't, I don't like bottoming for that too much. That's not, you know, that's not where I live I kind of service top in that regard. Which is fun because if somebody is enjoying it, I've never gone very hard. No little hard, maybe. You know, I enjoy that interaction with people, a long term friend, one of the first, who posted one of the first, the first months that I ever went to big into rope. And by hanging out with with him, I've become quite adept with rope, and I enjoy it. I like the bondage part. But I love the interaction. It's so tactile between the two partners. And sometimes it's not just two partners, it can be three or four partners. You know, we've done things that are, I guess you would say scenes that involve quite a number of people where rope is involved and some interrogation play that I was just an ancillary part too. But on a personal level, I've I like bottoming for rope, if there are people I trust, I've had some wicked good experiences getting tied up. And I've been told, and I'm a very fun person to do the tying, I've had several people who were interested in learning about rope experiencing being tied up who were, you know, a little shy, or maybe there isn't really an opportunity to go to, as they're sometimes referred to as the hot shit rope tops, you know, because they're in demand. And that I've been able to give very good first experiences, you know, and as just like, with impact play, I will serve as top for for rope. And I'm happiest when I'm, you know, wearing heels and a skirt or, and have makeup on. And, you know, we were recently able to go out in New York City, and I forgot how I was dressed.

Gwyn  19:10  
Oh, that's so nice. Do you enjoy helping newbies by providing those first few scenes and sort of moving them along? Not moving them along the way, but like, you know, helping people get into things and figure out what they like?

Wanda  19:27  
Yeah, I mean, I've done a lot of teaching and other areas in my life, and just working one on one with people or one on two, you know, whatever it is, it's really gratifying to me. I've been at rope classes and said something like, you don't have to be fancy to have fun.

Gwyn  19:46  
Do you enjoy doing the fancier ties? I know that you're you're skilled in it, but is it something that you get off on?

Wanda  19:53  
Yeah, I mean, I'm out of practice now. Thank you, pandemic.

Gwyn  19:58  

Wanda  20:01 
I like doing decorative stuff. I haven't really moved into suspensions because I don't have a place to, like practice that. And then some of the things that I consider that most people consider kinky are like, I enjoy being analy penetrated. Because I'm married. Go ahead.

Gwyn  20:20  
I was just gonna say, I wish that people didn't consider that kinky. That's like, everybody has nerves in their in their anus, and they should all be enjoying it. Okay, enough. Sorry. I understand.

Wanda  20:35  
I'll continue with the anal penetration in a moment. But I will talk about what kinky is, or what I think kinky is. I think everybody is kinky. Because everybody is interested in something that is just on the edge of or across the boundary of their experience.

Gwyn  21:00  
Ooh, say that again. That was good.

Wanda  21:04  
So everybody is kinky, because everybody's interested in something that is at or across the boundary of their experience. But mostly that frightens them in some way.

Gwyn  21:18  
Yeah, yeah.

Wanda  21:19  
They consider that kinky.

Gwyn  21:21  
Yeah, that's, that's brilliant. That's gonna become one of the teasers of the episode. That's really good. And just as a side note, when I was a teenager and had no idea that I was kinky, we would say that erotic is the feather. Kinky is the whole chicken.

Wanda  21:39  
Yeah, that's yes. But But that's, you know, that's for that crowd, right. I'm probably a lot more out than I think I am. I don't know how people read me. It's all depends on what they see your and then think I mean, I've spent years running through this small New England city. In spandex tights, and women's tank tops, and, and women's long sleeve you know, T shirts. Yeah. And it's funny because I think athletes get a pass in some ways, because, well, cuz you're an athlete. You're like, I don't know, athletes do lots of weird things.

Gwyn  22:37
You're right, that we do give passes to because most of us really are not like the, you know, the majority of humans are not an athlete. So I think that like, like, you know, when people look at at theater folks, they're like, no, okay, theater people are weird.

Wanda  22:56  
Yes, yes. Well, one of the first articles I was looking at running some really long distances. So you know, what to wear for these long runs? Because clearly, you know, cotton shorts are not cuttin' it. And one of the first articles I read was The title was boy shorts or girl tights. It's it's a, it's already a known question. It's an easy answer. For me. It was girls tights. I look damn good in 'em by the way. 

Gwyn  23:36  
That's right. I love that you feel that way. That you that are like, Yeah, I'm hot. Like, that looks good. Because it's true. But it's not always. People don't always feel that way, especially people who are living sort of straddled lives.

Wanda  23:56  
Yes, it's very interesting. I mentioned that. I've been married for basically 25 years. And when we got married, the internet was just becoming really common. I don't know. If I had gone another two or three years, whether I would be married. You know, I would, I might be living a very different life. I have come very close to transitioning a couple of times in those 25 years, but one of the things that happens to you is you end up painting yourself into a closet, not a corner. In my case, a closet. I love my family. I love my life. I love my wife. And there are a lot of things about all those decades that I've put in being my masculine me that make it a little hard to just abandon that and become my feminine me Wanda, even though I've told some friends of mine, you know, who are you know, like, I've gotten the question who are you really are you *Redacted* or  Wanda? And I said, well, sometimes I'm *Redacted*, but I'm always Wanda, because that's that's the inside. That's the more true to me, expression of who I am.

Gwyn  25:30  
But you're not in a place where you want to throw away your life and your family and your wife to live that expression more openly.

Wanda  25:41  
It's because of the consequences that that would or might entail that I choose to uh, I live this somewhat bifurcated life. Wanda gets to go out. Wanda had a very good thing going running of a local happy hour for the kinksters once a month, specifically designed to give Wanda a one night a month that to go out and meet with her friends. And that worked really well. I think it went two and a half years before the pandemic hit. It's been pretty much suspended since then. We got together a few times this summer, but it just it just wasn't the same.

Gwyn  26:25  
Yeah, it's tough. Were you meeting outside during the summer months,

Wanda  26:29  
During the summer months, we met at a picnic shelter. And, and it was good. I mean, I would, I would get dressed up and put on a skirt and some makeup. And it was very nice even though I'm in like a back my own backyard. But there were a couple times when I got done, like doing yard work, and I'm wearing carhart's And I've got grass spattered all over me, but I swung up just to say hi to a few people. And, you know, everybody knows me as Wanda. So that's how I get greeted. And that's, that's kind of validating to that your friends know that Wanda showed up? And that's how you get seen without regard to the carharts.

Gwyn  27:18  
Right? Well, I mean, certainly there are plenty of girls who are carharts too, but I get what you're saying. And it's different meeting outdoors in a public space than downstairs in a in a bar restaurant. And it was pretty private. I mean, not entirely private, but pretty private,

Wanda  27:37  
A very intimate little cocktail lounge. 

Gwyn  27:40  
Yeah, where everybody's just free to be themselves. It was even better than a munch, where you go and you're in a very public restaurant sort of situation and can't wear collars. And you can't have too loud of a conversation about super kinky things because you want the restaurant people to take you back without frightening the other customers, but what you had going on was wonderful. Yeah, and, and I only got to go to the one thing. 

Wanda  28:06  
So I'd only been there once?

Gwyn  28:08  
I had only been there once social anxiety for the win. So what would a perfect sexual encounter be like?

Wanda  28:20  
Do you want  a fantasy answer or a, you know, an answer for every day like, what my go to would be? Oh, I'll just start I'll just start talking. So one of my biggest fantasies is some sort of, I've swung with couples before. And one of the things I've never done is 69 with the female partner, while the male partners penetrating her from behind, like doggy style. So that would be one. But to set the scene. I love lingerie. I love some interesting conversation. Maybe smoke a little cannabis, not too much. And the right varieties. You don't go to sleep, a little alcohol to get really feeling relaxed and sexy. And I'm a big kisser but in a swinging setting, I don't just kiss everybody it's a little actually too intimate to me. But if there are people that you really enjoy, mouth, feel close enough where you enjoy mouth contact, maybe not mouth to mouth, but you know nibbling and caressing and some build up and then I basically like no holds barred sex where mouths and... Where orifices and organs can meet in any combination or configuration that seems to work for the partners. Did I mentioned lingerie?

Gwyn  30:15 
Do you have a favorite piece of lingerie?

Wanda  30:18  
A one of the My Favorite piece I don't have. And it was a Basque. And if people don't know what a Basque is, it's it's not a bustier it's more of a. I don't know, like a tank top that ends and garters. Right. So, you know, it's very conforming and it has a bra of sorts built into it, ladies for your boobs, which I really wish I had boobs, but I took a Mirifica pure area Mirifica some Thai herbs, and I got a little nipple development, a little swelling. And then when they were growing they were very tender and it was like electric it put up something like a card in my pocket. No. Obviously, I wasn't doing that at work, but in my mind I was in on it would brush they would brush against something and I'd be like, hmm I kind of wish I hadn't stopped. But now I live this as I said, you know, this masculine feminine feminine life. But anyway, the basque or bustier with garters is one of my favorite pieces of lingerie.

Gwyn  31:43  
And then do you wear the thigh highs that and use the garters to hold them up?

Wanda  31:47  
Oh, of course. It helps keep the whole top thing pulled down as well.

Gwyn  31:54  
Right. There is a there are there are people who wear them without that. That's why

Wanda  32:00  
Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gwyn  32:02  
Yeah. I mean, they look pretty, but I also enjoy, you know, hooking them up.

Wanda  32:08  
And, you know, you can wear other tops and wear, you know, the thigh highs that stay up brand selves. And I like those too. I like being a little slutty. For whatever that means. That just means to me it just means a little bit available and a little bit, putting yourself out there. Like, you know, you don't want to be raped. But if the right person came along, and you were down with it, and they put their hand up your skirt, and they got your bare ass then that's good times had by all.

Gwyn  32:46  
Excellent. I love that. Love that. Do you in envisioning this, you know, fantasy perfect moment with the other people also have fun clothing on at least to start?

Wanda  33:02  
Ah, yes. The feminine ones especially. 

Gwyn  33:07  
Do you enjoy the disrobing of yourself and others?

Wanda  33:12  
Yeah, yeah, who doesn't? I mean, yeah, clothing is like, really important to many trans people. Because it's, it's how it's how straight people cis het people flag. You know, you flag with your hair and your buttons and your pins and, uh, you know, I flag with my necklace and my earrings. And if I'm wearing makeup and a skirt and you know other things that are traditionally read as feminine I am flagging. And men have cis het men have different ways of flagging. You know, think about it. You got the jock look, you got the lumberjack look, you got the businessman look, you got the blue collar guy with the rolled up t shirt sleeve and you know, the cigarette pack? Maybe? Maybe that's a little

Gwyn  34:15
I think that's a little dated. But yeah, yeah.

Wanda  34:20  
And all that they're all flagging, right.

Gwyn  34:22  
Yeah, absolutely. I I've never thought about it that way. But it absolutely is. It's a it's an expression of flagging for sure. 

Wanda  34:31  
You know, that's why clothes end up being so important, especially to trans people, no matter whether they're expressing themselves as non binary trans masculine, trans feminine. Any of the spectrums, inside or outside those ideas. Clothing can be very important. I was joking with a friend of mine because his father had passed away and they were using all we're dealing with all these clothes. And I said, Yeah, I know it's a problem for me too. I said, but I have two wardrobes. made him laugh just like that. 

Gwyn  35:10  
Oh, good. 

Wanda  35:12

Gwyn  35:13  
So when you are in this in this perfect fantasy moment of the perfect fantasy, evening or whatever, and you're getting it on with one or maybe two people, and you're starting off in sexy clothing, and attractive composure, when it gets to the place where you're disrobing, yourself or another person, do you feel? Are you just in the sexuality moment of like, this is all sexy, and it's good? Or do you have a little tinge of oh, gosh, now I have to take this off.

Wanda  35:43  
No, the tinge of oh, I have to take this off comes when I have to go back to being  *Redacted* 

Gwyn  35:51  

Wanda  35:51  
It's always a sad moment when the boobs come off. undressing both yourself and somebody else is, you know, if you're undressing somebody else you are exploring them. Because you essentially have an active and a passive role. And if you're undressing yourself, now you're in the active role, right, and they're the essentially the voyeur, where you are being exhibitionistic. And that's a great feeling to, especially for somebody assigned male at birth, because exposing your penis is generally frowned upon, nobody gets arrested. I say nobody, I don't really mean that, but most people don't get arrested for showing their boobs. Very few adult male identifying people, particularly this, the cisgendered head ones get very offended if they're flashed of OVA, you know, they're not offended, doesn't bother him, not at all showing a penis, now they're upset. And generally women get upset about and rightfully so, due to, you know, essentially rape culture, again, offended by somebody gratuitously showing their penis, but so being having a safe space to be exhibitionistic is fantastic. As you might know, there are different events that people can attend, you know, if they want to get involved, Swingers parties, there are private public events that you can get tickets to where they're held at a hotel or a campground and certain areas or you're allowed to be nude, or partially dressed. There's places like Hedonism down on Jamaica that has a clothing optional side. And those are great places for people to explore what feels good to them. If I can just segue into the public scening bit, that most people think that they're going to go to this first event ever, and they're going to do all this stuff. And they walk in, and they don't know anybody, and they don't know anything. And they hide in a corner, maybe not literally. And they go away, feeling disappointed. And if you're listening out there and had not gone to a public event like this before, I want to tell you go with low expectations that you're going to watch, hopefully meet a few people learn about some things. I mean, many people don't even know if they're comfortable being naked in a room full of people. Not really because they haven't done it. It's okay to put your toes in the water put your toes, go and put your toes in the water. If that was comfortable, go again, maybe you'll step a little deeper next time. And if you meet people and get a little bit involved in some of the educational opportunities and social opportunities that are out there, you will soon find out what you actually like. I mean, so many people come to me and say, Oh, well, I think I'm really I'm ready to be a 24/7 slave or 24/7 Master.

Gwyn  39:33  
Yeah, I've known people that have that experience where they're, they're so excited and they're they're going to their first event and they want to do all the things and they want to be hung upside down by their toes. And they want to be beaten until they're bloody. And that's that's not okay. I mean, it's okay to want that. Because, you know, we've all experienced that type of intense longing, but it's not a safe way emotionally or physically to jump into, you know, this type of lifestyle, because there's a lot to learn a lot of things that you don't even think about until you're faced with it. And as far as like a 24/7 Master, do they really want to be micromanaging somebody 24/7? That sounds like a royal pain in the ass. You know, I lived in a 24/7 dynamic and there was never any micromanaging, and it was still exhausting sometimes for my top.

Wanda  40:33  
We all have these fantasies, right, but really get our gears going. Right? They, I tell you what, there's hardly anything that makes people orgasm more than their own fantasies. Because you can do anything you want. In a dark room with a toy and a jar of lube and your eyes shut. Right? It can you can be Queen Nefertiti

Gwyn  41:08  
Riding an elephant. Yeah.

Wanda  41:11  
Yes. Maybe we can channel a little bit of your conversation with Shawn and you know, the elephant is doing it with the trunk. Right. But you know, that's not safe. That's, it's a wonderful fantasy to orgasm too. But it's not reality. We all have these things.

Gwyn  41:39  
We'll be right back with more of our conversation right after this

This episode of What Excites Us is brought to you by me. I'm Gwyn Isaacs, and besides being your podcast host, I'm a certified sex coach and educator. And right now I have some openings for text based clients. I love coaching over email and text. It allows you to be open and vulnerable in ways that may feel too difficult in person, which lets us tackle the concerns you have at your own pace. Very few of us were taught how to have sex. Most of us are feeling our way through the dark, hoping we get it right. I can help you build skills in the bedroom and navigate your intimate relationships. I have two ways you can sign up to start texting with me right away. When you go to earthlydesire.com/coaching You will find a weekly subscription for daily correspondence. And a way to schedule a live one hour text chat. Visit earthlydesire.com to start on your path have more pleasure today. You deserve it. 

What do you, Wanda, watch or think about that you don't actually want?

Wanda  43:01  
Well, that I don't actually want a cuckolding. I like watching cuckold videos, but I know in reality that I have a great partnership. And I don't want while her having other partners would be fine with me. I don't want that dynamic in my life. But it's a fucking turn on. What porn I really like is not so much a particular thing happening. But what I really like is like the cell phone shot, really amateur, like you've got to the phone is on a propped up on a bureau or something. And a lot of times lighting sucks, but people are getting better about that. But really amateur people just filming themselves recording themselves having sex. I will say that I tend toward male and trans feminine videos quite a bit. Because I haven't had male sex. I haven't had sex with a man for quite a while. And I think I would like to but, uh, so I tend towards that. And then you know, the cuckolding videos are so the bulk majority of them out  there are so fucking stupid. Right? But I found a few over the years that are real. And then those those those get me going. Yeah, I like I like masturbating to those. And then, you know, sometimes I watch porn just for entertainment. I mean, there's by literally just, you know, I am sitting here and I don't want to do anything else but I'll get on my phone and I'll look at some some videos and I'll go do this go do the dishes

Gwyn  45:23  
Sort of like a manual gearshift?

Wanda  45:25  
I guess. 

Gwyn  45:28  
I am. That's how I think of cannabis a lot these days is said, you know, I need to, I need to prepare myself to do the next thing. Okay, I'll take 15 minutes and do this thing. While I'm, you know, if I set it all up in the expectation that if I smoke pot, and I don't have a plan then I'm just lost, it's totally clueless. What are we gonna do to? But I don't know a whole lot of people who watch porn just to watch it now, that doesn't mean that they don't exist. Most people don't actually tell me their porn watching habits. So I imagine that there's plenty more out there. I love that. Actually. I think that's really cool.

Wanda  46:12
Yeah, I mean, I like to see what people do. And you know, there's a website that I go to that has a you know, list of the hot videos. And, and so I'll scroll through them. If I see something interesting. I'll watch it. You know? I like I like big cocks. Not necessarily for myself, but I admire those.

Gwyn  46:40  
Yeah, I mean, who doesn't enjoy beauty? You know? 

Wanda  46:44  
And extremes!

Gwyn  46:45  
So you enjoy watching the Super big like the John Holmes. Nobody's gonna know who John Holmes is anymore. We're old.

Wanda  46:54  
Probably not that big. But yeah, some of the some of the real amateur stuff is really good. 

Gwyn  47:01  
Yeah, not generally what I go for it, but I am absolutely certain that that is the case

Wanda  47:07  
Going for, and simply liking to watch the recorded action, or two different things?

Gwyn  47:14  
Well, absolutely. I just don't even. Yeah, I just don't even I don't even watch the action. So I have to take your word for it. But I do

Wanda  47:23  
Everybody has their thing you know,

Gwyn  47:26  
Exactly, exactly. Which is what I like to ask because well, I'm nosy. And also, it's interesting

Wanda  47:32  
It is really interesting. That was one of the things you said in your in your intro or your trailer. Do you are you interested in what other people do for sex? I mean, aren't we all isn't that the big downfall of our society is that we don't talk about it. I wanted to say at work, I've got an appointment with the sex fairy this afternoon. And I'm going to tell her all about my gender and sexuality.

Gwyn  48:00  
Yeah, I can imagine that wouldn't go over well at work. But sure, thank you

Wanda  48:04  
I wanted to, you know, I would love that kind of openness and transparency in our society.

Gwyn  48:12  
Me too. I mean, that's part of why I'm doing this show is to help bring it forward to make it more open and acceptable to talk about these things. Because most of us enjoy sex. Certainly not all because everything in life is a bell curve, right? So that that means that there has to be the extreme of people who absolutely think about sex all the time, and the extreme of people who never think about it. But most of us are somewhere in the middle here. And, and yet, we have to keep it all under these tight wraps because of the culture that we live in. And I think that's a shame. And I would like that to change. So this is my part in helping that change.

Wanda  48:55  
I'm glad you brought up the bell curve. Because if you think about human sexuality, and you if you think of it in these traditional terms of being straight, gay, or bisexual, which ones are the extremes?

Gwyn  49:12  
I have a theory. Everything in life is a bell curve, everything. Therefore there is no Binary. Binary doesn't exist. The only place that binary exists is in manmade machines. We make things that go on and off. We made a whole computer language that is about on or off. Nowhere else in nature, is there an actual binary there are always shades involved. So when you're talking about sexuality, most people are somewhere on that bell curve. Certainly there are the extremely gay people and the extremely straight people. Most everyone else is somewhere on that bell curve. And the reason that I think that homophobia is such a thing is because most people are somewhere on that bell curve and boys are taught that they're not allowed to feel that way. And so when they have those feelings at 12, or 13 14 15, when they're starting to have puberty, and they wake up from a dream that had a man involved in it, because that is natural, they have to beat the shit out of something. And it's usually a gay boy. Because they're not allowed to feel that.

Wanda  50:23  
And thus we fight with a ferocity that keeps all but the most stupid at bay, right? Yeah, I've heard people say, I've heard I've read and in forums and heard people say, How come we have so many trans people and so many gay people now? What's going on? And it's nothing going on, except that all the trans people and gay people that have always been there are now less afraid of dying. If they say I'm gay, or trans or bisexual or non binary, you know, whatever, whatever non conforming words they they use for themselves, they don't automatically basically get killed.

Gwyn  51:13  
Okay, so we're down to the last question, which is, what excites you?

Wanda  51:18  
What excites me is connection. I think that's kind of been a theme through the entire talk that I've had is connecting with people is the most exciting thing I can do. Maybe anyone can do. Because just having sex with somebody is not necessarily connecting with them. I've had sex with people who I did not connect with, I have connected with people who I did not have sex with. And those relationships are much more satisfying. But what really turns me on what excites me is to connect with somebody and have a sensual exchange, it does not necessarily have to be a sexual exchange to be satisfying.

Gwyn  52:10 
I love that. That's really lovely. Thank you,

Wanda  52:16  
I'm trying to I know I'll never be the Buddha but I'm, I'm working toward and like,

Gwyn  52:25  
it's a worthy goal. I also attempt to let go of that fucking shit

So hey, what did you think of my conversation with Wanda? I'd really love to hear your thoughts. I really would. No matter what they are. If you listen on an app that takes reviews, please leave one it will help others find the show, and it will let me know what you think. Otherwise, you can join me on Patreon have direct access to me at patreon.com/what excites us. Remember, you have to type it in the whole thing. Searching doesn't work when the creators are adult in nature. So patreon.com/whatexcitesus. Or you can find me on Facebook at sex fairy Gwyn, that's G W Y N. Next time, I'll be chatting with Angela Locascio, who is a neurodiverse trauma informed certified sex educator and coach about some strategies that can be helpful for those of us who fall into those camps. Be sure to tune in. What Excites Us is produced, edited and hosted by me Gwyn Isaacs, all music is used under the Creative Commons Attribution license this week that includes The Vendetta by Stephen Kartenberg, Harmony by PolyPlus, and This is Metamorphosis by Top Secret Music Network. Tickle.life hosts this show and many other podcasts about sex and sexuality, as well as having other great not audio based content. Thanks for listening. I really appreciate you