What Excites Us!
Episode 20 - Keep it REAL for Consistently Great Sex
This episode is my framework for helping you have great sex by keeping it REAL. While I do mean being in your body and the present moment, REAL is also an acronym. R is to encourage you to redefine what you consider sex, E stands for Evaluate what your desired outcomes are for the sex you are about to have, A is to remind you to Align with yourself and your partners, and L is about leaving everything else at the door.
In the episode, I talk about how cheesy I am and my new tattoo that emphasizes that. I offer permission to you, and I reference a few folks who have influenced this discussion.
To see the tattoo, get the permission slip, or talk back to me please visit the show webpage whatexcitesus.com
Emily Nagoski and her book Come As You Are is available at:https://www.emilynagoski.com/home
Here is the list of reasons some folks have had sex
I think this is the episode of the American Sex Podcast with Sunny Megatron that I reference, but really most episodes of this podcast are fantastic, and certainly the ones with Midori
For more about Midori
And the video of How to train to Monkey Mind
Hey folks, this is what excites us a show about sex and sexuality. So if I'll get in trouble if you listen, because you're a kid, or because you're not in an appropriate time or place, then just don't listen. Okay? Thanks.
Alright, welcome. My name is Gwyn Isaacs, I am a certified sex coach. And this episode is about how to consistently have great sex. I know that sounds super clickbaity, and I'm sorry about that. Because not only does it sound super clickbaity, it kind of is because it's not going to be what you expect at all. I mean, it is relatively simple, but it isn't at all easy. I call it keeping it real. And we'll dive deeper in a few minutes. But first, I've been thinking about a few different things that I want to talk about real quick. What do you guys think about having a cute name for listeners? You know, like the way that what's her face has the daddy gang and I probably shouldn't call her what's her face should I? American fuckers you know, just a cute name. Cheesy? No. Yeah, cheesy. I mean, okay, it is absolutely and totally cheesy. Who am I trying to pretend that it's not cheesy to? I actually had an existential crisis this week about how Yeah, okay, maybe it wasn't a full blown crisis. It was definitely a pretty deep couple of hours. See, I got this tattoo of a heart. It's a very specific heart. It has Vermont in it. And I put it right over my heart. And then after I got home, and I was coming down off the endorphins, I thought, wow, that is, that is so cheesy. I am so cheesy. And then I kind of freaked out about that. Like, oh my god, what am I doing? Now I'm telling the whole world exactly how cheesy I am. And then I just realized that's okay. Because it really is who I am. And so I had this whole reckoning about part of my identity. And you know, I mean, it's not shocking. It's certainly not new information, but I don't know, I just, I just got really deep into how deep and intense I am when it comes to being cheesy. Okay, that was a total tangent. I'm sorry. Right. The idea was the question was, what do you think about having a silly name? And if you do think it's a fun idea. What do you think and I thought about the exciters. But then I tried it on and check this out. It's bad. Welcome exciters to what excites us. No. It doesn't, doesn't work. So I don't know, if you have an idea about a fun, cute name for us, let me know that would be super cool. And speaking of which, you can let me know one easy, easy way to do that is to join the Patreon because then you will automatically be entered into our Discord channel, which is a place where we can just chat and share memes and all of that sort of thing and have actual conversation back and forth. And I would really like that. So if you would really like that come and join me there. The easiest way to do that is to go to the website for the show. And there's a link there. So whatexcitesus.com And there's all sorts of information there. And you can hit me up in other ways too, because I really do want to know what's going on for you. Believe it or not, so if you also if you have other things about Yeah, no. Totally got off track. Sorry, looking at my notes slash script, and I just completely went off.
Right, anyhow, if you like the sillier side of me, which is where we are now you can follow me on Tik Tok. I also tend to vent there and it's very raw and unfiltered. And I am sexcoachgwyn and while we are doing all of this one last piece of housekeeping to share is that I am interested in chatting with you for an episode. Are you interested in in being an anonymous tell all guest? Even if you think you are regular and boring, I bet you're not, I would love to bring you on. Remember, the mission of What Excites Us is to affirm that we are all okay. Our desires are okay. And we are not weirdos, in the bad way for our proclivities. So by sharing your story, you can help normalize everybody else's sexuality. And it's fun, we get to chat for like an hour or so. And, you know, it always feels good to be heard. And I have a very open and welcoming person. So please let me know, if you are interested in that. Or perhaps you are an expert in something that ties into sex or sexuality. And you have a project coming out that you'd like to share? or what have you. Let me know, I am particularly interested in talking with people who can talk to other cultures. So historians or anthropologists, or even just people from other cultures who can help shed some light onto different ways that people enjoy themselves. So if you're interested in being on an episode of What Excites Us with me, please let me know, you can contact me through the website at whatexcitesus.com. And then we'll schedule and make it happen.
All right, enough of that. Let's get to the good stuff of the episode, which is how to have consistently great sex by keeping it real. I'm gonna lay it out first, very briefly, and then go back and break down each piece. If you follow these suggestions, you will shift your perspective, and the sex that comes from it will be a new kind of amazing. Real is an acronym. Let's begin with the R, which stands for redefine, and I'm talking about sex altogether. Most of us think about sex as the penetration part of the encounter. But it is so much more than that. When Sting was talking about having seven hour sex with his wife, he was not talking about seven hours of thrusting. Even a rockstar would get exhausted by that. Most sexologists agree that sex is the entirety of the action from the beginning of touch through the rest period. And everything in between. This means that it doesn't have to include orgasm, which many vulva owners will tell you it frequently doesn't anyway, or even penetration.
The E stands for evaluate your goals. There are a lot of reasons people have sex. Orgasm is the one that gets the most attention. And that makes sense. I mean, it feels good. And it's the first one that most of us think of as being important. But there are so many other reasons. I saw a list that named 237 different motives people had stated for having sex. So why do you want to have sex right now. When you know this, before you get into it, you are way less likely to be disappointed.
A is for align. If you aren't really in the mental space to enjoy the activities, then they won't be fantastic. This is whether it is with yourself with a partner or with partners. There are a lot of techniques to help with this. And I'll mention a couple. But at the very least give yourself a moment to feel where you are and be fully present.
Which leads us to L, leave it at the door. In our crazy, hectic, busy lives. We are so often thinking all the things that need to be done while we're doing something else. Thinking about what's for dinner on the commute home or which chore gets done first after dinner or the schedule tomorrow, or the big promotion you are up for and the list goes on and on and on and on and on. But if you want to have great sex, you need to just leave all that behind. It'll still be there when you're done. Don't worry, it's not gonna run away. But just put it aside for now. Emily Nagoski talks about imagining sex as a vehicle with gas and brake pedals. If the brakes are engaged fully and the emergency brake is pulled up too, the car isn't gonna move even if you floor the accelerator. So what you need to do is disengage those brakes. That could mean making sure the dishes are done so You're not worrying about it. Or scheduling sexy times so you know it's only part of your day. Turning off your phone, locking the door getting a playdate for the kids, whatever it is, it's worth it so that you can fully enjoy yourself.
Now, this last piece can be a little more challenging for those of us who are not neurotypical. And I'll talk about that a little bit more, too. But can you see the overall arch of what I'm saying about it being simple, but not easy. Right? So before we get deeper into it, I'm just going to lay it out again, the key to frequently amazing, great sex is to be fully present for it. To be sure that you're on the same page as your partner, and to allow yourself the time to fully enjoy yourself. In other words, keep it real.
Now, let me be really clear, no one expects an intense level of connection and sex every single time. Okay, someone does, most people don't. And sometimes, it really isn't even warranted. I mean, sometimes a person just needs or wants to have that quick orgasm so they can fall asleep, or get the tension out so that they can progress with their day. Sometimes your hormones are just screaming at you like you're teenage boy in a bus and you simply need a release. And that's okay. That's valid. These are all valid things. Although that might be the sort of thing that you take care of, on your own aligned with yourself, because you can't expect your partner to drop what they're doing just so that you can get off. I mean, maybe you have that kind of relationship and awesome kudos for you. But for most of us, that is not what we can expect from our people. Now for those times that you're with a partner, or you want to treat yourself to a delicious and luxurious experience, it helps to take the time to really get with that keep it real framework.
The first step, the redefine is something that doesn't need to be done individually every time. It's more of a let's change this mindset kind of thing. And once you get it, you got it. So let's break it down and see where you fit. Now, as I said, many sexologist agree that sex includes everything from intention forward. Some prefer to consider sex beginning with the touch, which can be from the first embrace going all the way through the pinky touching afterwards, from opposite sides of the bed, and everything in between.
Many tantric sex practitioners consider things like deep eye gazing, and intentional massage and specific partnered yoga poses sex, where can you fall on that spectrum? That isn't just limited to penis in vagina or similar? Let me tell you about Yab Yum. It is an exceptionally intimate tantric yoga pose. One partner sits cross legged, while the other sits on their lap with their legs wrapped around the first. You can do this clothed or not, it will still produce an intense sensation, you and your partner feel your bodies against each other. And then take a few moments to breathe together. Get into the rhythm of that breathing in and out at the same time. Or you can switch it up and breathe out while your partner is breathing in. You can gaze into each other's eyes and the depths of the shared intimacy can be delicious. It can feel ecstatic and it is extremely connecting. Some folks find it overwhelming and challenging. This is sexual in so many ways. Everything except for the genital touch, which, if you wanted to do it naked, you could have that too. Maybe that example is a little too esoteric for you. So let's try this.
Think back to before you ever had intercourse. Remember the first time you madeout with someone? Remember how good it felt to be wanted, to experience those brand new sensations? It was amazing, wasn't it? Or when you got to touch somebody else's forbidden skin? Like didn't it just feel kind of mind blowing to touch a bare nipple on somebody else's chest? And they enjoyed it being touched, and you could feel their skin changing as things get hard or goose pimply? Is that not sexual? That is totally sexual, and you only had your shirts off. And there's no reason that that feeling has to go away now that you've added intercourse into the mix. When we consider all sex to be pleasurable touch than it is. There's no written rules saying that sex is only penetration, or even only foreplay leading up to penetration. By shifting that belief, we can open ourselves up to all sorts of wonderful sexual expressions and sensations. To make that shift will take some practice. But isn't that what life is anyway, just a whole bunch of practices? And all it takes is reminding yourself, Oh, this is sexy. Oh, I love this kind of sex. Wow, I didn't realize that sex could be so good and or new or open or different, or whatever.
E is for evaluate. When I talk about evaluate, it don't necessarily mean a big process every time. Much like the first step of redefining what sex is for you. There is some work that you can do in the beginning, but then it becomes easier and easier to tap into what your reasons are. And you know what it is that you're hoping to get from sex every time and that makes it a lot easier to get it. And therefore it falls into that yay, amazing sex category. I mentioned a list of 237 reasons that people said they had had sex. This list was from the University of Texas study published in August of 2007. At least that's what the web article I read said. The link provided to the study wasn't working, and I don't have the time and space energy to search it out properly right now. So yeah, the list is clearly the perspective of largely college age folks and written in the first person. But I have seen this workshopped before, and the list comes out similarly. Without even thinking hard, I bet you could come up with a few to several reasons right now about why you personally have had sex. I'll give you some ideas. It feels good. It builds intimacy, builds relationships, it's a way to pass the time, a way to get out of our bodies and pain. A way to feel more in our bodies and connected. Oh, yeah, to get pregnant, to feel powerful, to feel cared for, to get over. You get the idea. I will link the list in the show notes. And I encourage you to take a look at it and see what on it you can relate to. Or if it inspires anything that you think about why you have had sex.
And if you're interested in doing this work deeply, which I would certainly encourage if you're in the time and place, you can journal or meditate about your why's and I bet you'll be surprised in a few of them. If you're in a relationship with a regular partner, I would highly recommend having at least one conversation about this, actually, about the whole episode, but certainly about this part. But that would not not not when you're about to you know get into it. Well, then too, but a whole tangenting again. Let me slow down. What I'm talking about now, is discussing more prominent reasons for wanting sex. Like what comes up often? If you could share this with your partner and they with you, it will be easier to communicate when you're about to get to it. Ah, it still doesn't feel clear. What I'm saying is that you talk about it in the abstract, over dinner, or maybe on a car ride. It's someplace where you're both in a good calm and centered place. Nothing feels intense. And you can just have a conversation about the reasons that you enjoy having sex. Then, when you are interested in having sex, then you can just sort of quickly touch on that and be like, Oh, hey, by the way, I'm feeling that I really need this tonight. And they can say, oh, yeah, maybe I can do that for you. But I also would really like for this to be the outcome. And then you can go yeah, let's figure that out. And then you do and it's wonderful for everybody because you aren't always going to want the same things all the time.
Speaking of which, mood is a huge component to desire. And the way that I heard this summed up the best was by Midori, who you can find as Auntie Midori, who is amazing. And I highly recommend learning from her if you're interested. She was on the American Sex Podcast with Sunny Megatron. And I wish I could remember the actual example, I'll look it up. But what's coming to mind is, say you and your partner want clown sex. And what that means to you is you want it to be joyous and silly and fun and light. But they feel differently about clowns. What it means to them is they want it to be scary and dark, maybe a little bit artsy. So what happens when those two moods try to get together and play? See, it could go horribly wrong. And this is why it's a good idea to touch on at least what type of mood you're going for when you're having sex, which can also go into the align segment, which is the next letter A.
Now A and L could really go in either way. But since rela isn't a word I went with A. And wasn't until just this moment that I realized how conveniently it worked when I'm talking about mood. So yippee, there you go. A align. This is when you want to really feel in your body, and then connect with your partner, if you're playing with one, and really feel their bodies. So you get your mind body connection going and then you share that with your partner, and then you get into your sexual fun. I know that some folks can do this super easily, they are very body based, and they can just boom, be there. That's fantastic, super happy that you're out there. I'm not one of those people. So I'm going to talk to those of us who are not that kind of people for just a second. So you guys hang on.
There are some things that you can do to get into your body. Now, I am not a somatics trained practitioner. These are the things that I've picked up along the way that I find helpful for me. And it's mostly about breathing, if you take a minute, and it can really be that quick, just one minute. And just take a few deep breaths and sort of feel your body sort of scan your body and feel where you may be feeling tension or frustration. And then you can just sort of let that go. That helps. Another thing to do is to breathe intentionally into different body parts. Now I know physically, you can only breathe into your lungs. But using your mind, you can imagine breathing into your groin and sort of lighting that area up. Or you can imagine breathing down to your feet and feeling connection to the earth. Maybe feeling the earth connecting with you. You can imagine feeling the breath going up through the top of your head bursting out of the top of your head and connecting with the divine and the whole world around you or your partner. These are really easy ways to practice getting into your body. Another thing to do, if you are practicing being aligned physically with your partner, is to dance. Put on a slow dance song, feel the Luther Vandross and just sort of jam together or do that breathing technique where you breathe in and out together. Or you can put your hands on each other's hearts and feel your heart beating for a moment. And this doesn't have to be super intense, woo-woo, candles lit I mean, by all means it certainly can be. But it doesn't have to be it can really just be 10 seconds of just connecting before you get into anything else. It helps so much.
Are you picking up what I'm putting down here? The key, in general, is to be fully present. Everything feels better when you're fully present than when you're half there and half of the meeting that you had with your boss a little bit ago in the living room on the Zoom call, right? Which leads us quite nicely into the last piece, which is to leave everything at the door.
Now this is another one of those things that can be very difficult for a lot of people and that makes a lot of sense. Our world is full of information and responsibilities and opinions all competing for space in our fairly overwhelmed minds. How can we possibly leave all that and focus on pleasure even for a few minutes? Oh my god, it's so annoying. But the answer is to practice. I know, I know, it's annoying, but you know what it's worth it. Because sex is good for us. It's part of being human. Pleasure helps heal our bodies, and our beings. And is ultimately, it makes us more content, which then helps you be more productive too. As I mentioned, in the very, very beginning, one way to deal with this is to take care of the things you know that will distract you before you get started. If you have a big day tomorrow, and you need to have a lunch packed before you fall asleep, do that, just do it right after dinner. And then it'll be done. If you worry about being interrupted, lock the doors. If you hate the lighting, put a scarf over the lampshade. Take the few minutes to prepare for the things that can be prepared for. Then give yourself permission to relax and enjoy yourself. And if permission feels better coming from someone else, I will post a permission slip on the episode webpage. And then you can print it out, tape it up somewhere and you will see it. Because I do, I absolutely give you permission.
But then what happens when your brain starts reading about the meeting while you're in the act as it were? Well, that's when you have to remind your brain who's the boss, and I'm not talking Tony Danza, or even Katherine Helmond who would have been my pick because I have a thing for strong women redheads. But I digress. Again. One way to overcome the brain's tendency to ramble, is to remind it to focus on what you're doing. Yep, that simple. You can remind it by asking it to pay attention to one particular sense. Maybe you're into taste, or touch or smell as you're saying you can gently say, shhh see how good this smells. Or you can even just say, shh right now we're doing this, and then redirect your brain to focus on what you're doing. It may take a zillion and 20 times. And that's okay. Sometimes it'll be easier than others. And that's okay, too. And like the rest of it, the more you practice, the more likely it will work with less effort. But keep at it, because keeping it real can change your sex life. You'll be shocked when you look back and see how far you've come. Okay, I have a couple of bonus pointers that I want to talk about. So stick around because I'm not done yet.
Gwyn Isaacs 28:03
This episode of What Excites Us is brought to you by me, I'm Gwyn Isaacs. And besides being your podcast host, I'm a certified sex coach and educator. And right now I have some openings for text-based clients. I love coaching over email and text. It allows you to be open and vulnerable in ways that may feel too difficult in person, which lets us tackle the concerns you have at your own pace. Very few of us were taught how to have sex. Most of us are feeling our way through the dark. hoping we get it right. I can help you build skills in the bedroom and navigate your intimate relationships, I have two ways you can sign up to start texting with me right away. When you go to earthlydesire.com/coaching You will find a weekly subscription for daily correspondence and the way to schedule a live one hour text chat. Visit earthlydesire.com to start on your path of more pleasure today. You deserve it.
First bonus tip is that while having an orgasm is a fine goal for having sex. And it is most likely the first one that most of us started with. It really isn't the end all be all and there's so much more available to you. And the goal is just to feel good or to build intimacy. It takes all of that pressure to have an orgasm or provide an orgasm for your partner off the table. When the desired outcome is just pleasure that's pretty easy to attain. You don't need to have a rock hard disk or a sloppy wet pussy to feel good. I mean those things are great, and so are orgasms most of the time. But a lot of people think other things feel good too. There are people who are into tickling or being tied up and kissed all over them. Maybe just rubbing each other with oils and feeling skin. By making pleasure the desired outcome, it becomes so much easier to just let loose and play with your partner. And then it's just better, it's just better.
The other bonus tip is to figure out how you meditate best. And use that to help you figure out the rest of it. I'm going to link a video that I send to my clients, often. It's a wonderful monk, and he's talking about the monkey mind and the chatter. And what he says is really important, which is that you can meditate anytime, anywhere, you don't need to sit for 20 minutes and get to a blank empty space. The fact is, is that it's really, really difficult even for people who have been practicing it most of their lives. Our brains tell stories when they are resting. This information changed my life. It's okay that your brain is just running around. It's work and difficult to tell it to be quiet. But it's worthwhile. I do guided meditations most of the time. And that is super helpful, because I'm just following along in a stream. Or sometimes I can put on binaural beats. And there are three or four different things. And I can tell my brain to focus on each one of those different things. That's great. But it's taken me a really long time to be able to do just that. Turns out that you don't even really need to do that. What you need to do is find your state of flow. For musicians that's playing music, artists, it's making art. But for some of us, it's just driving down the highway listening to music, or doodling, or coloring mandalas there are so many different ways that you can train your brain to just hush for a little while. Maybe you get that feeling when you're at the gym. Or maybe you get that feeling when you're just kind of blissed out from a day and setting your house back together. Whatever it is, that you find works for you to put you in a meditative or a flow state. Use that. Use it to align with yourself. Use it to think about why it is that you want to have sex. Use it to consider what sex really means to you. Use it to leave all the other stuff at the door and then use it in life in general. It's such a great skill. And it really helps everything. And I know it's annoying, but it works. So there you go back to being cheesy. Now if you have any questions or comments, or you want to yell at me, please let me know. You can do that at our website. Whatexcitesus.com
And that's it for this episode of What Excites Us. I really like I cannot stress enough how much I would love to hear your thoughts. If you enjoyed the show, please share it with a friend. That way we can grow this movement of people who are having intentional, fantastic sex and heal the world. Did I mention I was cheesy? My name is Gwyn Isaacs, I wrote produced and edit this show. The music I use is under the Creative Commons Attribution license. And that includes music from Steven Kartinberg, who I used for the theme song PolyPlus who I used for the ad copy. And this is Aurora Borealis by Dizaro. The podcast is hosted by tickle.life and they have a bunch of other great articles and other podcasts for you to enjoy. Thanks for listening. You got this and I super appreciate you!