Tongue Tied by Stella Harris

Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships by Stella Harris

This is a wonderful book that I draw on and recommend to clients and acquaintances often!

One of the best books available to talk about talking with your lover. While it’s specifically written for folks in or looking for a relationship, I found that all of the information can be used when talking to anyone from your boss, to your kids and of course your partner.
To summarize extremely briefly, the gist of the message is that we should talk about EV-ER-Y-THING, including, even or maybe especially the ideas that we assume are understood. Because more often than we expect, we have different definitions of words, and make assumptions about what other people like, based on what we like.

An example from my life: when asking a client what he liked for sexual touch, he replied “ya know the same thing everyone does, neck and earlobe kissing…” I had to tell him that not everyone enjoys being touched there.

Ms. Harris starts with discussing the variety of ways we get into trouble when making assumptions, and why talking things out is important. She then demonstrates by example with definitions and how to check your own sense of self awareness. She walks the reader through techniques to figure out what they want and how to ask for those things. There are chapters about safer sex protocols, managing difficult conversations, and some hands on exercises to try.

Throughout the book she has sprinkled personal experiences which draw you in and keep you moving through what can be some challenging new thoughts. Her tone is light and approachable. At no point does the reader feel talked down to. She understands that these things (like so much useful information) is not taught or modelled in schools, churches or most peoples homes.

Please read this book! If you buy it and read it, and don’t learn something from it, I will personally refund your cost. I think it’s that important. I firmly believe that if we all practiced these methods so much anger and confusion would disappear and the world would become a better place!


How to “decide” if you are gay


Do you miss your libido?