How to “decide” if you are gay

The short answer is, you don’t. The letters are:
Queer or Questioning
+ meaning if these words don’t feel right to you and hetero doesn’t either you still get to be under the umbrella.

I recently did a tiktok on my feelings about this

I went through a pretty tough period when I was wondering if I was gay. Granted this was decades ago, and my girlfriend was getting into fistfights protecting us. People would throw things at us for holding hands in public. We like to think we have advanced as a society, we really haven’t come that far, and in some places not at all. The wondering was agonizing. I was worried that I was going to be a martyr, that my life would difficult if not impossible. I felt like I had to choose a team.


But here’s the thing, people and their desires fluctuate. Some of the shifts are slowly over time, and some are quite rapid. Just ask any person born with a uterus how fast their wants can shift 😉. Maybe today you feel like you are only attracted to a certain gender. Maybe next year that will change. Then maybe it will shift again and you will find yourself attracted to all genders. (I’m not going to talk about how the definition of gender is changing here, that is another topic for another post.)

Also, almost everyone has had a sexually charged dream or fantasy that surprised them, maybe even felt frightening. That also doesn’t necessarily ‘mean’ anything. First of all, we don’t want to engage in every fantasy we have, even in make-believe. And, sometimes the brain is just processing all of the random information it has accumulated.

As far as needing to choose, let me ask you this. Why? Why do you think you have to make a finalized choice? Have you thought about this?
Maybe you have some reason I can’t think of, please let me know if you do!

I think when we are younger we have a belief that at some point we will have it all figured out, and will be able to coast through the rest of life. Worse, most of us think that everyone else does and we are in some way behind the curve.

Let me tell you, both of those statements are not true. We NEVER get it all figured out. And if someone tells you they know it all (in any area of thought) run, fast! And… everybody feels inadequate in some way or another. EVERYBODY. Really. If they say they don’t they are lying, or delusional, or both.


So don’t sweat it. If you get to a place where you know you are gay, great. If you come to a place where you know you aren’t, great. If you decide that you are mostly one way but a little flexible, but the only one you will bend for is Jason Momoa (or that sexy lady at the liquor store, etc.), that’s great too. The most important thing is to not add extra pressure and stress by trying to come to a decision. It doesn’t help. You be you, whatever that is…🥰


Hormonal by Martie Haselton PhD.


Tongue Tied by Stella Harris